Stillers.com Releases Deck of Playing Cards
In keeping with the Pentagon's effort to identify key Iraqi enemies of America, we here at Stillers.com have expounded upon that idea. Herewith are replicas of handy playing cards that will soon be available for public consumption. Instead of displaying enemies of America and enemies of freedom, these cards display enemies of the Steelers shot at a Super Bowl title. Simply put, these cards show the true enemies -- either thru outrageous cap hit, poor play, incompetence, or a combination thereof -- who literally stand in the way of what could otherwise be a championship season.
Mark Bruener - Everybody's "good guy", but don't let that fool you. This guy is clearly an enemy of a championship. Despite the fawning over Bruener's supposedly great passcatching skills, this man has never caught more than 26 passes in a season (that coming in his rookie year). Sure enough, there are feeble cries of, "But only if we'd pass more to him�" Sure, like any offense would want to force the ball to a slow, clumsy, stonefooted TE who can't get open, and can't get much RAC yardage after a rare catch. Inserting Bruener into the game kills any versatility in the passing game and, because he's such a lame, non-factor in the passing game, it allows opponents to home in on Plex and Ward. Supposedly the God of TE Blocking, Bruener serves as nothing more than an eligible tackle, yet consumes an enormous amount of cap space. What his card should say, is "Cap Hog", for the enormous amount of cap he chews up, yet gives so little in return. Bruener is so grossly overpaid, that his salary is fatty enough to cover that of the other three TEs on the roster combined. Unless Mr. Stonefoot accepts a pay cut, he will eat up $2,650,000 this season -- a huge amount of money that could be invested in a CB, a backup WR, and/or a starting free safety.
Burnt Alexander - With the noted exception of Darren Perry during his last 3 seasons in Pittsburgh, no safety in NFL history faced so many passes, yet defended or broke up so very few passes, as did Burnt Alex in 2002. Burnt had 4 INTs, but these came off hideous overthrows, WRs slipping during the route, deflections, and so on. Along with fellow safety Lee Flowers, Burnt was an outright disgrace as safety in 2002. If Burnt starts again at FS, the Stiller pass defense will still face its share of scorchings, simply because they have a starting free safety who can't run, has no speed, no quickness, no agility, and no ballhawking ability. Gloat all you want about rookie SS Troy Pola -- if Burnt remains the starting FS, the pass defense will still be ripe for the abuse.
Jerome Bettis - Yet another "good guy" who not only eats far too much at the supper table, but also eats far too much cap money for what he provides. The Round Mound of Groin Pull has been hampered by one injury after another, all of which have been caused by the strain of carrying 280 pounds on a frame that carried 240 when he entered the NFL. The Rotund Running Back is the epitome of ONE DIMENSIONAL, which, like Stonefoot Bruener, totally cripples an offense's ability to surprise the defense; to attack a mismatch; and to quickly move the ball when playing catch-up football. Like Bruener, The Doughboy consumes a massive amount of cap money -- money which could be better used to add the final piece to a championship run.
Justin Kurpeikis - The Panceiked Pansie doesn�t chew up a lot of cap money. His problem, rather, is that he simply isn't worth a rat's ass on a football team aspiring to win an NFL title. He adds nothing on special teams, and is far too weak, scrawny, slow, and feeble to do anything on defense. You win titles in the NFL when role players chip in to make key contributions. Justin's problem is that he has nothing to chip in towards a championship effort.
Tiny Tim Lewis - Defense was obviously a big problem last season, and a massive problem within that problem was the dim bulb who oversaw the defense, Tim Lewis. Tiny Tim has consistently shown that he's a mental midget when it comes to defensive gameplans, in-game adjustments, exploiting opponent's weaknesses, and covering his own defense's weaknesses. Look around the entire NFL, and you'll have a hard time finding a more overrated -- and more worthless -- defensive coordinator as Tiny Tim Lewis.
Slosh Miller - Josh is revered by many a Steeler fan who have been bamboozled by the Pittsburgh media's fawning about what a great punter he supposedly is. Fact is, throw Josh and 15 other average NFL punters into a bag, and there's ain't a damn bit of significant difference between any of 'em. Josh is the very epitome of mediocrity, yet consumes an enormous amount of cap money. Unbelievably, Josh will eat up just over $1M this season, and then around $1.1M the following two years, and then -- hold your laughter -- nearly $1.4M in 2006. All this cap money pissed away for gross, overt mediocrity. And, the next time Josh has a big game in the playoffs, will be his first.
Spank Poteat - The Spanker spent the better part of 3 NFL seasons spanking his monkey on the sidelines, other than some infrequent ST work. Thrust into nickel-back chores in the playoffs, The Spanker was ruthlessly abused and victimized by the Cleve Browns. Given his relatively small cap hit and his low spot on the depth chart, Hank isn't as large an enemy as the aforementioned men, but he is still worthy of appearing in this deck of cards.
Jason GilDong - Among all players on the roster, none is more deserving of inclusion in this card deck than Jason GilDong. Never has a Stiller player consumed such a humongous part of the salary cap, yet played like a complete faggott, as has Jason GilDong. From tittyfighting with opposing blockers, to turning his back on opposing blockers, to jogging and loafing play in and play out, no player is more of an embarrassment to the Black n' Gold than Jason The Gimcrack. It's entirely appropriate that Jason appears on the Queen of Hearts, because if there ever was a Queen B on an NFL defense, it's Jason "The Flopper" GilDong. Winning an NFL title is difficult. Winning an NFL title when your defensive captain is a total puss, is virtually impossible.
Billy Cowher - Last, but certainly not least, is the truly worst enemy that blocks the Stillers path to glory, which is why this person was deemed worthy of occupying the Ace of Spades. Billy has been to the playoffs 8 times, and in every single playoff season his team has been flat, lethargic, sloppy, and grossly outcoached. When it comes to playoff football, no one gets LESS out of his team, year in and year out, than Billy Cowher. Sure enough, Billy makes an enormous amount of money -- on par with Super Bowl-winning coaches -- despite never having won it all. And, sure enough, Billy Cowher has had more chances than a 5-year old at H-O-R-S-E, yet many Stiller fans actually want to give this LOSER more and more and more chances. Cowher is not unlike the drug abuser or criminal with a 10-year history of horrific depravation, in which the liberal imbecile will clamor, "Just give him one more chance", as though Brainless Billy will suddenly emerge from his funk and arrive at a playoff game with a well-coached, well-prepared team. Like the perennial drug abuser and criminal, Billy has no real hope of "turning his life around". Most fans forget that Billy blackmailed Rooney by threatening to leave for a Cleveland franchise that had not yet even been finalized back in March 1998. It turns out that Billy would have done the fans and city of Pittsburgh an immense favor had he fled. The only hope for society -- and Stiller fans -- is that Cowher is fired and never permitted to influence anything having to do with Stiller football for as long as he lives. Otherwise, all that Billy Cowher serves as is the primary roadblock for this team to win a Super Bowl. Winning an NFL title is difficult. Winning an NFL title when your head coach is a choker and a complete buffoon is virtually impossible. The road to perdition start -- and ends -- with Billy Cowher.
These are your enemies of a Stiller championship. Remove as many of these as possible from Pittsburgh, and you significantly increase the Stillers chance at a Super Bowl title.
To order your deck of cards, call 1-800-Cowher-idiot, or 1-800-Steeler-enemies. MasterCard, Visa, and Amex accepted.
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)