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The WoodenDong Report (Game #3, vs. Chico, and Game 4, vs. Minn.)

October 06, 2013 by Still Mill


The WoodenDong Report  (Game #3, vs. Chico, and Game 4, vs. Minn)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2013, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

We’ll review both games #3 and #4 here in this article. 

In the 3d game of the season against the Bears, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 

Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 1 solo and 1 assist, while mostly facing a rookie RT, Jordan Mills (5th round pick), all game long. 

Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:        

1.   2d & 1 , 1st series - Chico was in a POWER running formation, and after the snap, LaMarr started to fade BACK in pass coverage, even though it was an obvious, immediate handoff to the RB as soon as Cutler got the snap.   Forte ran up RT for an easy 2 yards. 

2.  Big LaMarr just STOOD there and titty-jousted as Forte rambled by on the 55-yard romp.   If he READS the play and tries, just a wee lil’ bit, he nabs Forte, who rumbled by just 18 inches away, for a routine 3-yard gain.  A few plays later, Chico punched it in on 4th & G for a 17-0 lead. 

3.  Forte ran a dive up RT, 13:30 2Q, and LaMarr just jousted, never once trying to dis-engage from the blocker.  

4.  Got a sack at 3:58 3Q, when he looped around the TE, Martellus Bennet, on a 5-man passrush.  Worilds had sealed off the other side, and there was pressure up the gut.  With nowhere to go, QB Gay Buttler basically caved in and gave up for a Dong Sack.   This was a confused, clustered play by Chicago in which they were flagged for an illegal shift.  


In the 4th game of the season against the Vikes, Big LaMarr again lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a feeble performance.   Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 3 solos.   

Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:        

1.  Feebly flailed and whiffed, with his dick in the dirt, on an EASY tackle attempt on the 60-yard TD run by Purple Jesus early in the 2Q. 

2.  On 3d & 5 late in the 2Q, the  QB was flushed toward LaMarr and The Dogger reached over and got a finger nip on the ball for a cheesy lil’ “strip” and a Dong Sack, but the ball bounced forward and the Vikes actually gained 10 yards & a 1st down on the recovery.  

3.  Fought off a block by the TE and helped bottle Adrian, early 3Q. 

4.  Like a complete jackass, he body slammed a Viking ballcarrier while a full 3 yards OUT of bounds for a 15-yard penalty in the 3Q, his second in 2 games. 

5.  On the 2nd Peterson TD run, Big LaMarr -- just like last week -- simply took himself OUT of the play by moseying over to cover a TE while the play was very clearly a HANDOFF to the RB.  

6.  Got totally caved in on the 11-yard AP run up RT at 10:30 4Q.  

7.  On the next play, he flailed and whiffed after a short pass to Gerhart, good for 7 yards.  

8.  Got a he-man solo on a lil’ 0-yard out to Rudolph, 3:29 4Q.  

9.  At 2:03 4Q, AP ran wide right and Big LaMarr  had an EASY play, but meekly WHIFFED like the complete bag o’ shit that he is, allowing a 4-yard gain. 


That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.    Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent both of these games titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged each of these entire games.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 4 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 2

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

Flailing Whiffs: 5

First downs allowed:  5

TDs allowed:  1

Dumbassed penalties:  2


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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