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The WoodenDong Report (Game #7, @ OAK)

October 29, 2013 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #7, @ OAK) 


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong.  (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2013, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 


In the 7th game of the season against the Raiders, Big LaMarr truly lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 0 solos and 0 assists.  That’s right -- ZERO.    As in, The Empty Set.    As in, jack shit.    Jason Gildong was often called “Casper GilDong” for his long, ghost-like disappearing acts, but Casper Woodley far outdid himself with this milk-carton, “I’m missing and please call police” kind of effort.    


Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:


1.  On the game’s first play, The Dogger was totally untouched and unblocked, but gets sucked in on the fake dive and allowed Pryor a GAPING hole around right tackle for a 93 yard TD run.  That’s HIS play to make on the QB keeper, and there he is, aimlessly roaming way over to a scrum in hopes of picking up a cheap slop stop.   

2.   Got pressure on the QB, 3d series.  Of course, the Woodley Fan Club will exclaim, “See, he’s back to his old self!”   Yes, he’s back to his old self, which sucks.   On this play, he was completely untouched off the LOS.   He skirted a weak-assed submarine dive by the RB, McFadden, but then whiffed on the sack attempt and allowed Pryor to dump off to a RB.   Because of this WHIFF, instead of pushing OAK out of FG range Oak is able to continue the march and ultimately scored a TD to make it 14-0. 

3.  Whiffed on a sack attempt, 3:00 1Q.  

4.  On a 1st down at the OAK 10 early in the 2Q after a bobbled KO, The Dogger once again got SUCKED INSIDE on a dive fake, which allowed the QB to toss a quick out pass to the TD for 9 yards.    

5.  On 2d & 7 from the PIT 11 at 3:56 2Q, The Dogger had Pryor HEMMED IN on a scramble, but instead clumsily went UPFIELD -- for no reason at all -- while Pryor easily ran underneath him and gained 5 yards on the scramble to the PIT 6.   Instead of a sack, which could have forced a FG, or perhaps a STRIP, the Raiders gained 5 yards on the play, setting up an easy 3d & 1 plunge, which then set up the ensuing TD 3 plays later.   

6.  Speaking of the TD play, McFadden took a Wildcat snap, while Big LaMarr was totally UNBLOCKED and UNTOUCHED.   He had his sights on McFadden for a cake-easy stop, but like the gutless pussy he is, LaMarr simply dropped to his hands and knees like a faggott awaiting to be pumped by his boyfriend.   

7.  Late in the 3Q, Pryor kept on a read-option, in which Taylor flashed up and made a sterling stop for a 4-yard loss.   Where was The Dogger on this play??  Why, once again, he got SUCKED IN and was nowhere to be found.   If Ike doesn’t make the stop, Pryor has another long TD run. 

8.  On a 3d & 8 at 8:24 4Q, Big LaMarr meekly fell to the turf and allowed Pryor an acre of room to scramble to his right.  Luckily, Troy was there to stop Pryor and save LaMarr’s bacon. 


That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   ZERO solos, ZERO assists, ZERO passes defended, and ZERO anything.   Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.     Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   Absolutely NONE.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  


Said The Dogger after the game, ““We need to do better.”    We??    WTF is the “we” ??    How ‘bout, “I need to do better.  I need to stop avoiding contact.  I need to stop acting like I squat when I urinate, and I need to at least make a tackle every now and then” ???    The lumbering fat-ass, oblivious to it all as he collects his $61M contract, continued, “"This is no step back for us; we're still movin' forward,”, and "I wouldn't question us as a football team."    First, LaMarr is moving in one, and only one, direction, which is BACKWARD.   Further, I -- and anyone who knows the game of football -- would question this stiff as a football player.   As in, he’s not one at this level.   At all.   


In 57 plays from scrimmage, without ever leaving the field, The Big He-Man, LaMarr Woodley, recorded ZERO solos and ZERO assists.   None.    Nada.   The empty set.    All the while, The Dogger faced RT Matt McCants, a rookie 6th round OT from Alabama-Birmingham.    Let this sink in.   In 57 plays from scrimmage, while facing a non-descript backup rookie RT, the $61M He-Man did not manage a single slop stop, or a slop assist, or ANYTHING.    Utterly incredible, even for this dogger of a player. 


But sure enough, because he has 4 Dong Sacks to bring his cheesy sack total up to 5 for the season, the blind Pittsburgh media will continue to fawn all over The Dogger.   “Oh, Big LaMarr is back; he now has 5 sacks”.    As Dejan Kovacevic wrote in the Trib Review before last weekend’s game in OAK, “Woodley's back to doing his part, with five of the eight sacks and fairly consistent pressure. So that whole blame-it-on-LaMarr meme is dead.”    Uh, not quite. His pressure has been a complete joke the entire season.   The only thing dead, Dejan, might be your brain matter.    As it was, this was a completely horseshit game by a horseshit player. 

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   What a fraud.   What a disgrace.  What an embarrassment.  What a farce.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 7 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 4

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 10

First downs allowed:  12

TDs allowed:  4

Dumbassed penalties:  2



(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1



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