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The WoodenDong Report (Game #13, vs. Miami)

December 12, 2013 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #13, vs. Miami) 


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong.  (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2013, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 


The Big He-Man sat out 3 games with a sore calf, and finally played this past weekend at Right OLB.   In the 13th game of the season against Dolphins, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with a measly 1 solo (just one!) and 2 assists, in bland, mill-toast effort.   


Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:

1.  On a 1st & 9 at 9:00 2Q, Thomas ran a plunge up RG.   Worilds made the bulk of the stop, with Big LaMarr getting a slop assist.

2.  On 1 & 10 at 13:29 4Q, Thomas ran up the gut.   Big LaMarr mosied over for an assist....after a NINE yard gain. 

3.  At 9:35 4Q, Big LaMarr rushed from the LOLB spot, and totally untouched & unblocked, he finally applied pressure and nearly forced a grounding flag.   Quick, call the Pro Bowl Committee !!   LaMarr got some pressure when he was completely unblocked and untouched !!

4.  On the next play, LaMarr teamed up with Timmons on a gut run.   


That was IT for Big LaMarr.  Of course, he was involved in 1 of the biggest, if not the biggest, plays of the game.   At 3:29 4Q, RB Dan Thomas ran a sweep around his left end, right at Big LaMarr.   As easy as pie, TE/H-back Charles Clay sealed off the big 280-pound he-man, Big LaMarr, and Thomas had a hole the size of a ’65 Buick to run unfettered for a 55-yard gain.    55 yards, because Pussy LaMarr was unable to shed the block of a backup TE who gives up 30 pounds to The Big He-Man.   


The Trib Review covered this play, and you can read about it at these URLs --


Perhaps Dejan Kovacevic summed it up better than any Pittsburgh media member has, regarding Big LaMarr --

     LaMarr Woodley lost his spot at left outside linebacker in being shifted to the right for Jason Worilds, already humbling for a $61.5 million player, then turned in a total of three tackles and zero QB hits from the right.   “I think it worked out pretty good,” Woodley said, oblivious as ever to his own shortcomings.  Read more: 

Casper Woodley finished with 1 weak-assed solo and 2 slop assists, rarely ever harassing the QB or doing anything to provide IMPACT.    

That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   1 weak-assed solo, 2 slop assists, zero passes defended, and zero anything.   Despite rushing the passer numerous times on pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?   NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.     Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   Absolutely NONE.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   What a fraud.   What a disgrace.  What an embarrassment.  What a farce.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 13 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 4

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 11

First downs allowed:  15

TDs allowed:  4

Dumbassed penalties:  2


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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