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The WoodenDong Report (Game #2, @ Cinci)

September 20, 2013 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #2, @ Cinci) 


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2013, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 


In the 2nd game of the season against the Bungals, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 2 solos and 1 assist. 


Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:

1.   10:25 1Q - flailing whiff on Green on short out pass.   Very weak and ass-clumsy. 

2.  Got sealed off on widish run, 8:10 1Q, but Gay came up in run support to save The Big He-Man.   Despite doing nothing, The Big He-man got an Assist on this play. 

3.  Got a slop stop on a deflected bootleg pass to Eifert at the LOS, which was easily stopped for no gain.   Quick -- after this demonizing play, call Colbert and demand another $61M extension for The Dogger. 

4.  Rare hustle and chase down of Dalton across the field, 2nd play of 3Q.  Save the video, as this will be 1 of the few times The Fat Wallet Man actually hustles this season.

5.  Applied some pressure the next play on an inside rush, although Dalton easily scooted from it. 

6.  In the 3Q, totally unblocked and untouched, Big LaMarr got a small lick on the QB, who calmly dumped off to his TE for 8 yards and a first down.  

7.  Bernard ran around his end for 11 yards and a 1D late in the 3Q, but LaMarr had his bacon saved by a completely phantom holding call on Gresham to call the play back.

8.  Stunted up the middle, untouched, and whiffed on an easy sack on 3d & 8 late in the 3Q

9.  Got manhandled on a key 3d & 1 in PIT territory at 10:30 4Q. 

10.  On a 3d & 3 at 8:52 4Q, deep in PIT territory, DumFuk LMarr went offsides, which, after an incomplete Cinci pass on the play, gave Cinci a 1st & goal.  What a dumb assed simpleton. 

11.  After Green-Ellis ran right for 4 yards at 3:04 4Q -- a play in which Woodley stood around and did NOTHING -- he then shoved a Bengal for a totally moronic 15-yard roughing penalty.   Hey, if ya can’t hit anyone all game long, ya might as well hit someone well after the whistle.  

That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   2 weak-assed solos, and 1 slop assist.   Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.     Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 2 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 0

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 2

First downs allowed:  3

TDs allowed:  0


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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