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The WoodenDong Report (Game #11, @ Clev)

November 29, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #11, @ Clev)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

As is often usual with Big LaMarr, he played in the 1st quarter, and then like the complete pansie that he is, he hurt his ankle (waah!) and did not return.   Perhaps they need to re-name The Paper Tiger as “The Crystal Tiger” for how glass-fragile The Big He-Man is. 

Of course, this was a game that Big LaMarr could have surely padded his stats, what with facing a rookie RT.  Instead, LaMarr meekly tip-toed back to the bench and sat on his fat wallet.  LaMarr finished with zero solos, zero assists, and zero impact.   

He did have a chance to make something happen, on a Clev run up RT in the 1Q (3rd series).  Instead, The Big He-Man was totally caved in by the THIRD string TE, Alex Smith, with Richardson cruising up RT for 6 yards.  A completely shit play by a completely shit player. 

Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   None.  Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   None.   Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire quarter titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged. 

We here  at know better.  We’ve actually spent time watching and re-watching the game.    Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 11 games:

Earned Sacks: 2

Dong Sacks™: 2

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:  10

TDs allowed:  1


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

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