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The WoodenDong Report (Game #5, @ NY Jets)

October 17, 2013 by Still Mill







The WoodenDong Report  (Game #5, @ NY Jets) 


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2013, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 


In the 5th game of the season against the Jets, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 2 solos and 2 assists.  As you will see, the “tackles” were as soft as Charmin, and worth about as much as rain-soaked Charmin.  


Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:


1.  Got a slop assist on WR screen, 2nd series (5:45 1Q) , in which Gay made 98% of the stop.   Go watch this play yourself on your DVR.

2.  Got a slop assist while solo blocked by a TE on a run up RT at 5:24 2Q for 3 yards.

3.  At 4:40 2Q, LaMarr looped around the entire Horn of Africa, and then got a scrambling Smith for a Dong Sack.    Look up Dong Sack in the dictionary, and this play fits the very definition.  

4.  Got bullied and shoved onto his back on the play Timmons drilled the RB on (9:21 3Q). 

5.  Totally UNBLOCKED, LaMarr made a solo stop of Goodson on a gut plunge, at 11:37 4Q.  

That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   2 weak-assed solos -- one on a Dong Sack, the other on a plunge in which he was completely unblocked -- and 2 weak-assed slop assists.   Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.     Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  


But sure enough, because he got a Dong Sack to go along with the 2 previous Dong Sacks he had, the blind Pittsburgh media will fawn all over The Dogger.   “Oh, Big LaMarr is back; he now has 4 sacks”.    Sure enough, it occurred just hours after this article was published, with the Trib Review praising and fawning over The Dogger as though he’d forced 3 fumbles and grabbed 12 solo tackles against the Jets.  As though Big LaMarr was a demonizing terror against the Jets.   Which, of course, he wasn’t.   He’s been MEDIOCRE -- at best -- all season long thus far.  Only the Dong Sacks have made this paw-pawing pansie look halfway respectable.  


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 5 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 3

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 5

First downs allowed:  6

TDs allowed:  1

Dumbassed penalties:  2



(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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