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The WoodenDong Report (Game #14, @ Dallas)

December 18, 2012 by Still Mill


The WoodenDong Report  (Game #14, @ Dallas)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

LaMarr missed games 12 and 13 with a (sob !) sore ankle, and finally returned to action this past weekend versus the Cowpokes. He should have been looking to feast on the Cowpokes, as the ‘Pokes started a RT who leads the NFL in holding calls for an offensive lineman.  

On the 2nd play of the game -- stop the presses -- Big LaMarr made a stop on a ground play, although the RB still gained 3 yards, which isn’t a shabby gain.  Of course, on the very next play, he was victimized on a pass in the flats – his SOLE responsibility on this play – for 6 yards.  As the receiver ran OOB, LaMarr gave him a love tap, and for this stupendous effort he was given a “solo tackle”. 

After these 2 plays -- which were 2 of the first 3 plays Dallas ran -- Big LaMarr did NOTHING the rest of the game.   Literally, nothing.    Jack shit nothing.   He finished with 2 solos, which were cheaply garnered on that opening series.  After that, he may as well hid himself in the locker room and given the official scorekeeper a $500 tip, because he was entirely invisible the remaining 38 minutes of the ballgame.  

LaMarr did get easily sealed on a wide Jones run, early 2Q, which gained 4 on 1st down. He was spelled some by Worilds in the 2Q, but played nearly all of the 2H, and did jack dick nothing.  

Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   None.  Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   None.   Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire game titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged. 

During his recent hiatus, we found out that Big LaMarr is a pro bowler.    No, dummy....he’s not going to the Pro Bowl.  As shitty as their standards are, they wouldn’t take such a shitbag.    No, Big LaMarr is a co-owner of the Pittsburgh Jackrabbits of a professional bowling league, which makes The Paper Tiger a pro bowler.   Oddly enough, his team is aptly named as the Jackrabbits.   Fits quite well for an $8M OLB who consistently does jack dick and jack shit.  

Of course, we here at know better.  We’ve actually spent time watching and re-watching the game.    Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 12 games:

Earned Sacks: 2

Dong Sacks™: 2

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:  10

TDs allowed:  1


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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