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The WoodenDong Report (Game #6, vs. Ravens)

October 25, 2013 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #6, vs. Ravens) 


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2013, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 


In the 6th game of the season against the hated Ratbirds, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 4 solos and 0 assists.  As you will see, the “tackles” were as soft as Charmin, and in fact 2 of the solos were actually assists

Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:


1.  Got a slop assist on a Rice stutter-run for 3 yards at 1:27 1Q.   As the play-by-play reads, “(1:27) (No Huddle, Shotgun) 27-R.Rice left guard to PIT 26 for 3 yards (56-L.Woodley, 25-R.Clark).”     Yet, somehow, on the tabulated stats, this was incorrectly recorded as a solo, which it clearly was not.  Go watch this play yourself on your DVR.

2.  On a 2d & 1 at 9:29 2Q, The Big He-man was solo blocked by the TE and got a backside slop assist on a 5-yard run by Pierce.   Again, the play-by-play reads, “(9:29) (No Huddle) 30-B.Pierce left tackle to BAL 28 for 5 yards (56-L.Woodley, 25-R.Clark).”   This obviously should have shown up in the game totals as an assist, not a solo.  

3.  Easily pushed aside on a kick out block by Ed Dickson on a 13-yard run by Rice, mid 2Q. 

4.  Two plays later, Big LaMarr dove and whiffed at Rice on a backside grab, allowing 2 yards. 

5.  On the next play, on 3d & 8, LaMarr stunted up the middle, and easily skirted a SOLO, weak, submarine dive-block attempt by Ray Rice, and then nabbed Jacco for yet another Dong Sack.  This was a play in which the RB failed miserably -- and like a complete pansie -- with his blitz pickup.  

6.   Chased down Jacco across the field, and had Jacco hemmed against the sideline chalk, but then clumsily whiffed as Jacco pirouetted and allowed Jacco to get an accurate pass off to the EZ.   The missed sack allowed the Ravens to boot a chippie 32-yard FG on the next play.

7.   On 3d & 1 in the 4Q, LaMarr did NOTHING, failing to either JAM Rice, attack the passer, or cover Rice.   Nope, that was The Dogger, dogging it in No Man’s Land, and Rice grabbed the short pass for 5 yards.

8.  On the next play, Leach ran up RG and LaMarrr got a slop stop after a healthy 6-yard gain.  Quick -- sign this guy to a mammoth extension.....he’s just so great at stopping plunges for 6-yards...!! 

9.  A few plays later, on 3d & goal at the1, LaMarr once again got caught flat-footed, failing to jam the TE, failing to attack the QB, and falling for the play-action fake.   The result?   LaMarr was once again lost in No Man’s Land, and an easy pitch n’ catch TD to tie the ballgame.


That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   2 weak-assed solos -- one on a Dong Sack, the other on a plunge that gained 6 yards -- and 2 weak-assed slop assists.   Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.     Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  


But sure enough, because he got yet another Dong Sack to bring his cheesy sack total up to 5 for the season, the blind Pittsburgh media will continue to fawn all over The Dogger.   “Oh, Big LaMarr is back; he now has 5 sacks”.    Fact is, he’s been MEDIOCRE -- at best -- all season long thus far.  Only the Dong Sacks have made this paw-pawing pansie look halfway respectable.  


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 6 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 4

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 7

First downs allowed:  9

TDs allowed:  2

Dumbassed penalties:  2


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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