The home of die hard Pittsburgh Steelers fans. It's not just a team, it's a way of life!

The WoodenDong Report (Game #15, vs. Cinci)

December 26, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #15, vs. Cinci)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

LaMarr missed games 12 and 13 with a (sob !) sore ankle, and finally returned to action last week versus the Cowpokes.  Now, this past weekend, he was presumably as healthy as a horse, and should have been ready to hunt bear, with the playoffs on the line.  He should have been looking to feast on the Bengals, against right tackle Andre Smith, who had allowed seven sacks and 24 hurries coming into the game.
At 9:14 2Q, Green-Ellis ran up RT and LaMarr got a slop assist.  

Late in the 2Q, Green Ellis ran up RT on 1st down, and gained a nice, healthy 4 yards, with Big LaMarr finally making the stop.   Any time you allow 4 yards on the ground on first down, it’s losing football, plain and simple. 

Believe it or not, this was it from Big LaMarr during a game in which he played 62 of the 64 plays run by the Cinci offense.   1 solo, 1 assist, and a large pile of vomit.  

Late in the 2Q, The Big He-Man was easily blocked out on a 2d & 15 shovel pass, which gained 23 yards and a 1st down.  

Being such a big he-man, LaMarr got eaten alive in SOLO blocking by a TIGHT END, be it Jermaine Gresham or Orson Charles.  He went 1 on 1 again the RT, Smith, 20 times, and never even got a sniff  of the QB. 

Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   None.  Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   None.   Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire game titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged. 

During his recent hiatus, we found out that Big LaMarr is a pro bowler.    No, dummy....he’s not going to the Pro Bowl.  As shitty as their standards are, they wouldn’t take such a shitbag.   No, Big LaMarr is a co-owner of the Pittsburgh Jackrabbits of a professional bowling league, which makes The Paper Tiger a pro bowler.   "LaMarr is a proven winner -- his first question was how he could start winning," said PBA commissioner Tom Clark.   Funny -- that’s the same question we’ve been asking of he could start winning, instead of being the sack o’ shit loser that he has been for well over 3 years. 

Of course, we here at know better.  We’ve actually spent time watching and re-watching the game.    Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 13 games:

Earned Sacks: 2

Dong Sacks™: 2

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:  11

TDs allowed:  1


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


Like this? Share it with friends: Follow me on Twitter:
Your opinion counts so voice it!! There are 2 comments on this article in the fan forums. Join the discussion.
Don't have an account? Sign up now (it's free)

Other Related Articles
12/24/2012 Stillers-Bungals Postgame Analysis and Grades by by Still Mill