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The WoodenDong Report (Game #6, vs. Cinci)

October 24, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #6, vs. Cinci)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

Big LaMarr missed the 5th game of the season at Tenn, due to a balky hamstring.   That often happens with over-bulked, stiff-as-a-board players.   In the 6th game of the season, Big LaMarr returned to the lineup and played nearly every, if not every, snap.   He had a complete ghost, recoding 1 solo tackle, 2 weak-assed assists, and zero impact at all.  (The NFL dot play by play always shows him with zero solos and 3 A’s). Despite the non-stop blather of “James Harrison is out and Big LaMarr is getting double and even triple team on practically every snap...!”, Harrison played every snap versus Cinci and commanded plenty of attention.   LaMarr had plenty of chances against SOLO blocking to do something -- anything -- but instead did nothing.   A review --

- On the 15-play opening drive by Cinci, Big LaMarr stood around and did nothing,…until the final play.   He had a CAKE  easy solo tackle attempt at Cedric Peerman, a career backup RB who weighs all of 211  pounds and gives up 70 (SEVENTY) pounds to Big LaMarr.   But true to his nature, Big LaMarr pussed out with a weak-assed paw n’ grab at the RB, who trucked The Big He-Man and plowed into the EZ for a 5-yard TD run.   Pitiful, but oh-so typical of The Big He-Man.   A shit play by a shit linebacker.  

- On 2d & 10 at the CIN 20, 9:44 2Q - Had a slop assist after a short dumpoff.   late in the 2Q. 

- On 2d & 2 at the CIN 28, 2:38 2Q - another slop assist after a short dumpoff to Gresham

- On 1 & 10 at the CIN 11, 5:29 4Q- had a slop assist with Timmons on a harmless plunge by Green Ellis.  


That was it.   Big LaMarr got a Dong INT when a Dalton had the ball slip out of his hands on a pump fake and then the loose ball hit an O-linemen in the helmet, and then the ball softly bounced right into LaMarr’s waiting hands as he was standing in no-man’s land doing nothing. 

He also got totally manhandled by an O-lineman on a SIX yard plunge, which was spotlighted by NBC on  the replay of this wretched bit of linebacking.   Got easily shielded off on a run up RT, good for 6 yards while Big LaMarr just stood there and accepted the shield.   Any time you give up 6 yards on the ground on 1st down, it’s losing football.   LaMarr had a Dong pressure a couple plays later when Dalton held the ball forever and then threw it away.   

This was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   3 routine slop assists, plus getting trucked near the goal line and giving up a TD to a RB who gives up 70 pounds.  Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   None.   Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 4 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 1

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 1

First downs allowed:  3

TDs allowed:  1


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

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