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The WoodenDong Report (Game #9, vs. Chefs)

November 14, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #9, vs. Chefs)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

As is often usual with Big LaMarr, he appeared to have a half-adequate game on paper, with 4 solos and 4 As .  Of course, as we will see, defensive stats are as meaningless as an ATM card in a disaster area.   LaMarr had plenty of chances against SOLO blocking to do something -- anything -- but instead mostly did nothing, and mostly had his buttocks beaten red.   A review --

- The asswhipping started on the very first play by KC.   The Chefs made it abundantly clear that they saw a weakness up RT -- directly at Hood and the 285-pound, $61M OLB -- and intended to plunge the ball there at every opportunity.   On that 1st play, a simple dive play up RT netted 9 yards, and LaMarr was nowhere to be found, aside from nipple-grabbing with the blocker.  This is an enormous win for the offense on 1st & 10 and its criticality cannot be emphasized enough. This set the tone for the entire evening.  

- On the next play, on 2d & 1, Big LaMarr got a slop assist, after an easy 2 yard gain and a 1st down.   You know, for $61M, Big LaMarr is permitted and allowed to stuff a run short of the sticks.  

- On 2d & 3 at the KC 35 at 6:26 1Q, Hillis ran a gut plunge and LaMarr, who was barely blocked, came over for a slop assist. 

- On 2d & 3 at the KC 35 at 6:26 1Q, LaMarr got another slop assist on a dive play. 

- 2 plays later, LaMarr was easily sealed off on wide Charles run, which gained 7 yards & a 1st down. 

- On 3d & 3 at the PIT 3 at 15:00 2Q, Charles ran right, and then hesitated, stuttered, and started to cut back.  By this time, LaMarr came off a light SOLO block by the tight end and nabbed Charlie for a 1-yard loss.    An adequate play, but one that Jack Ham could make even with a knee sprain and a pulled groin.  

- On 1st & 10 at the KC 39 at 2:03 2Q, Charles ran up RT and LaMarr chipped in with an assist after a 2 yard gain.  

- On 3d & 8 at the KC 42 at 13:11 3Q,Big LaMarr was placed at MLB and then conducted a routine drop about 10 yards from the LOS, in the middle of the field.   In this spot, his job is to look for short crossers and curls, as well as keeping an eye on screens, flares, and QB scrambles.   Sure enough, Matt Assel, who runs a 5.2 forty, scrambles in an obvious manner right up the gut.   It’s 3rd and EIGHT, and LaMarr has the guy dead to rights.   Just one he crosses the LOS, Assel veers to his left about 5 feet, and LaMarr, as slow as a fucking traffic pylon that is cemented to the highway, lumbered over and was too fucking slow and too fucking late to prevent Assel from getting 9 yards and the 1st down.  Jerry Olsavksy, after his THIRD knee operation, could have easily made this stop after a mere 6-yard gain....but the $61M was unable.   Of course, he got credited for a “solo tackle” on this shit play, serving as a prime example for how meaningless defensive stats are when viewed away from the context of down, distance, ballcarrier, blocking, and so forth.   What a pile of shit. 

- A few plays later, on 3d & 3, Big LaMar had trouble fighting off a SOLO block by a TIGHT END, and then got stiff armed and had his dick shoved into the dirt by Hillis, who skirted wide for 4 yards and yet another 1st down.

- On 2d & 8 at 4:41 3Q, KC ran up RT and WoodenDick teamed with Harrison on a 1-yard gain.  

- On 2d & 10 at 12:22 4Q, Hood made a rare stellar play, blowing up the block and nabbing the RB for a 1-yard loss.   Somehow, The Paper Tiger himself, Big LaMarr, got credit for a Dong Assist on this play in which he did next to nothing.

- Despite what Gruden claimed (“Woodley set the edge on this play”), LaMarr was totally sealed and shoved inside on the Hillis 3d & 1 run midway thru the 4Q; fortunately, Allen and others made the stop.  This was a soft play by a soft LB.  

- On 1st & 10 at 5:40 4Q, the Big He-Man was solo blocked by a TE, and then whiffed on Cassell, who managed to get back to the LOS. 

- On 2d & 10 at 0:54 4Q, Assel dumped off to McCluster, and LaMarr got a slop stop after a 5-yard gain. 

- The $61M Man could have ended the game on the late 4th & 15, but feebly whiffed like a complete asspump, allowing Cassell to complete the 27-yard pass.   

This was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   3 routine slop stops.  5 first downs allowed.  Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   None.  Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   None.   Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire evening titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   

We here  at know better.  We’ve actually spent time watching and re-watching the game.    Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 9 games:

Earned Sacks: 2

Dong Sacks™: 1

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:  9

TDs allowed:  1


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

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