The GilDong Report (Game #1, vs Balt.)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous
enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf
sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the
NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in
honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this
into their point systems.) �Again in
'03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he
truly is.
Jason, known around the league as The Paper Tiger
for his ability to compile paper statistics, had, according to the
"boxscore", 2 solos and no assists.�
As we will see, according to the actual play-by-play posted on NFL.com,
Jason actually had only 1 measly solo and 1 assist, and on the whole, Jason was
as destructive and disruptive as a ballet dancer competing in a Golden Gloves
tournament.
�
{Speaking of stats, last year we expanded our "Dong
stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally accepted dong
principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're added a few
more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking of Jason
GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.�
These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.�
Jason, the renown master of the Flop & Flail, has done this
with such frequency and adroitness that this stat is a surefire addition to the
NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include
the infamous Flop & Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then
feebly flails, as well as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted
flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL
tackler who actually knows something about technique, balance, and
hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.�
1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the
offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the ball into scoring
range.� Personally allowing a first down
is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field
and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.�
Obviously, the bottom line in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a
TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are required to even come close to
atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of Big Jason's game versus
Balt:
- 1-10-BAL26 15:00 2Q (1st play 2Q) - Jamal Lewis ran
right with the ball�.
��� 
�as you can see, below, Jason was wide enough that there was
no way for the tackle to reach-block him, so all RT O. Brown was able to do was
give Jason a light love-tap.� Jason
ventures into the backfield and has a clear, open, unfettered shot at
burying the RB.� But, as usual, Jason's
feet are his undoing -- they're far too close together�.
��� 
�.and all Jason ends up doing is flopping to the grass
without any help from anyone else.�
There's your $6M linebacker, folks -- flat on his ass after pathetically
flopping without ever being hit, shoved, or blocked.�
��� 
This play by GilDong would actually be funnier than it is --
and believe me, it was uproariously funny -- but when you factor in the fact
that the Stillers are paying this phony $6M a year to flop pathetically to the
turf, then it's downright sickening.�
- On the very next play, Boller took a quick 5-step drop and
began telegraphing his passing intentions (as he did most of the game).� Jason, as he was innumerable times during
the game, was left completely alone and unblocked�
��� 
�
�as you can see, Jason has a CLEAR, STRAIGHT, UNOBSTRUCTED
path to go pell-mell directly at the QB.��
���
�the only thing even remotely in his way is RB Jamal
Anderson, a man who gives up 25 (twenty five) pounds to the big, he-man
lienbacker. But look where Anderson sets up -- far too "wide" of
where Boller is sitting smack in the middle of the pocket.�� Jason (below) could have veered STRAIGHT
AT the QB, but instead chooses to loop wide...
��
�as has happened time and time and
time and time and time again on these exact same pass plays over the years,
Jason literally AVOIDS going straight at the QB, and instead loops to the
outside, just so that he can joust and titty-fight with Anderson.�
���
The result?� An easy, wide-open passing lane for Boller
to play pitch-and-catch and complete the easy 6-yard slant.�� This play sounds innocuous enough to the
uninitiated, but it's sickening to see a "pro bowl" LB veer AWAY from
an obvious passing lane when he has a clear, direct path to the QB.� At the very least, Jason should have crashed
in straight at the QB's outside shoulder -- through the block of a man 25-pounds
lighter -- and Jason's hands should have been so close to Boller's face
that the young QB should have been able to discern what type of soap Jason used
in the locker room before the game.�
Sure enough, we'll hear cries from The GilDongites about "Jason has
outside contain".� Balderdash.� Boller isn't clubfooted, but he's far from
McNabb or Vick.� You don't go out of
your way to pussyfoot three yards OUTSIDE an obvious passing lane when the QB
is setting up and telegraphing his intended throw.�
- 1-10-PIT44 (8:35 2Q) -
The Ravens ran a bootleg on this play and left Big Jason Gildon untouched and
unblocked.� Jason got
"pressure" on the QB on this play, all because he was left entirely
untouched and unblocked.� This happened
on 3 other occasions during the game, but the dimbulbed fan will walk around
saying, "Gee, Jason sure did have some pressure on that QB�"�
��� 
��� 
�
- 3-10-BAL15 (2:00 2Q) -
The Ravens handed the ball to Lewis on this 3rd & long.� KenBell was actually lined up wider on the
left side than Jason, and he blitzes to the outside... meanwhile�
��� 
�Jason goes to engage RT O. Brown,
and what does he do?� HE TURNS HIS
BACK.� Yep, that's right -- Jason turns
his back to Brown like a complete coward.
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Here's another series of photos of
the same sequence.�
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��
Unfortunately, the still photos
don't do this particular play full justice.�
If you've got the game on videotape, go back and re-watch this shameless
display of football.� It'll take you
only 3 minutes to do so.� The
GilDongites and the GAA (GilDong Apologists Assocation) will try to quibble and
rationalize with such babble as, "Oh, you don't know Jason's assignment on
this play."� There is no
assignment, EVER, for a LB to TURN HIS BACK like a coward on a running play.� It was gutless, shameless linebacking at its
worst, courtesy of one Jason 'The Gimcrack' GilDong.�
- 3-6-PIT36 (0:06
2Q) - On the final play of the half, Boller faded back to toss the Hail
Mary.� Haggans rushed from the right
against All-World OT Jon Ogden, while Big Jason rushed from the left against
Orlando Brown, a guy who'd been entirely out of football the past 3 years.�
��� 
�Haggans has beaten his man a
split-second quicker than Big Jason�.
���
�.but unbelievably, as Haggans
goes to rip Boller's head off, none other than Jason GilDong jumps on top of
Haggans and prevents him from delivering the blow.�
��� 
Haggans managed to alter the pass
enough so that it fluttered OOB, but this shows the total lack of field
awareness that Jason possesses, as well as his selfishness and stupidity.� Team captain?�� More like team cancer.�
- 1-10-BAL44 (8:30 3Q) - Here's yet
another sequence of Jason "getting pressure"�..only because he was
totally ignored, untouched, and unblocked.�
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���
Quick, give this guy another $6M
!!� He's a holy terror!!� He's a monster!�� He's so great !!� He's
awesome!!� He cannot be stopped!
- 1-10-BAL20 (3:54 3Q) -
Boller ran a fairly sloppy play-action bootleg�.
��� 
�and wouldn't ya know, the
"veteran guru", Jason GilDong, gets sucked inside like a drunken
sailor stumbling upon a brothel.� At
this point, below, Jason is still confused and bamboozled as to what, pray
tell, is happening�
�Jason finally pulls his head out
of his ass, but not until Boller casually rolls out and hits his TE for a short
completion.�
���� 
�
The point isn't that the Ravens
gained 3 yards on this play.� The point
is that the Six Milion Dollar Dong is supposed to be this "pro bowl
LB" and a "seasoned veteran", yet he exhibits on-field reading
skills that make my 7-year old daughter's reading skills look like she's ready
for graduate school.� At this rate,
Jason is ripe for a star role in the next sequel of "Dumb and
Dumber".�
- At 3:26 3Q, Ricard ran a plunge
up the gut and ran into a scrum of Steelers.�
Big Jason was credited with an assist on this play.� Quick -- someone call Rooney.� This is worth at least another $100K for Big
Jason.
- At 13:50 4Q, Boller completed a
short curl to Jones.� Jason was dropped
into short coverage on the play, and he grabbed Jones as soon as the catch was
made, for his one and only solo on the day.�
Quick -- call Rooney again.�
Surely this is worth at least another $50K.
- 2-10-BAL29 (8:15 4Q) -
Boller dropped back to pass, and looked and looked.� Jason, as usual, did his elongated WLR (wide
loop rush) around the Horn of Africa�
���
�Jason eventually loops around
Brown, and has a clear shot at the QB.�
Instead of crushing the QB, Jason imitates The Flying Wallendas, replete
with arms extended high and wide in impressive artistry�.
��� 
��
�as is his norm, Jason ends up
FLAILING, and whiffing, on the stationary Boller, who was a sitting duck.�
��� 
Boller easily escaped, and then
completed a 6-yard pass.� A 7-yard loss
turns into a 6-yard gain, all because of the sloppy-as-shit technique of one
Jason GilDong.�
- 1-20-BAL37 (6:21 4Q) - The Ravens once again chose to totally ignore Big Jason GilDong, leaving him totally untouched and unblocked� 
��� 
���
"Jason got
pressure"!� Quick -- see if Rooney
can throw in another $75K for this he-man play by Jason !�� My gawd -- the man cannot be stopped!�� The air cannot stop Big Jason!�� Get him more money, ASAP.��
To summarize:� Jason had 1 solo (not 2, as listed in the
box score), on a cake-easy stop after the backup TE caught a short curl
pass.� He had 2 flailing whiffs and
personally allowed one 1st down on a play in which he shamelessly turned his
back to the blocker.� Sacks?� None.�
Hurries created when he beat a blocker?�
None.� Hits on the QB after
beating a blocker?� None.� Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?� None.�
Stuffed running plays?� None.� Meaningful impact on the game?� None.�
In fact, his two biggest plays, impact-wise, were: a.) turn his back to
the blocker and allow a first down RUN on 3rd & 11.� b.)�
jump onto a teammate's back to prevent that teammate from slamming into
the QB.�
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but Jason
was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays with flags
and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage 20 times, while
rushing the QB 28 times.� Meanwhile,
ROLB Clark Haggans rushed only 23 times, while back in coverage 19 times.� Haggans showed that he can both cover and
rush, and he faced the man who is, by far, the very best tackle in the game,
Jon Ogden.� Jason got to face a clumsy
stiff named Ethan Brooks, and once Brooks' horrible play got him benched, Jason
got to face Orlando Brown, who'd been entirely out of football for 3 solid
years, yet Jason was unable to do anything of worth or merit
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� The Ravens ignored Jason on most plays and
treated him with as much fear as if they were facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh
media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for
what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does
nothing, and is clearly inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.� After this game, there's no doubt whatsoever
that Jason is the 5th best LB on the team, well behind Porter, Bell, Farrior,
and Haggans.� And, it won't take long
for Zo Jackson to easily pass GilDong, if only Zo gets some playing time to
strut his stuff.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still
scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's
ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to
expose him, week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season
to date totals for Jason, in 1 game:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�:� 0
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 2
First downs allowed: 1
TDs allowed:� 0
