The WoodenDong Report� (Game #1, @ Denver)
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you the WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 3
seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the
exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall,
Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have
incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��
Here
in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the
fraud that he truly is.�
�
In
the season opener against the Doncos, Big LaMarr
lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble,
half-hearted performance.�� He dogged it
the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing.�
Big
LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter,
please) 1 solo and 2 assists.�
Here
were Big LaMarr�s 3 plays:
1.� On a 2d & 18 late in the 1Q, Moreno took
a pitch and ran up LT.�� Big LaMarr was
totally unblocked on the play, and ambled, untouched, down the LOS.�� Moreno was bottled up and LMarr got a slop assist for doing little more than falling
off a log.�
2.� On a 3d & 1 midway thru the 2Q, the Doncos ran a gut plunge.��
Big LaMarr was SOLO blocked by a backup TE, Joel Dreessen, a smallish TE who weighs
only 245.�� This is a mismatch in which Big
LaMarr, the big 285-lb. he-man, should throw a backup scrub like Dreessen aside like a rag doll.��� Not quite, and not by a long shot.� LaMarr was tied up with Dreessen,
and 5 yards past the LOS, LaMarr fell into a cheesy slop solo.���
3.� On a 1st & 10 at
12:18 4Q, Decker caught a 0-step hitch.���
Decker was initially wrapped by Mundy, and then Big LaMarr came over and
stack-jumped for a slop assist.�� (Quick....sign
this guy for another $20M on top of the $61M.....and fast...!!)�
That
was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.�� 1 weak-assed solo and 2
slop assists.� �Despite rushing the passer on the majority of
pass plays, he never once even sniffed slowfooted
Peyton Manning.�� Big
hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� A paw in the face of the
QB to disrupt the QB?�� NONE.��� Meaningful impact?�� None.� The $61M Man
spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping
and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.� He loafed and lollygagged
the entire game.�� �
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him
with.� Just ask Jason GilDong,
the original Donger himself.�
Season to date totals
for Big LaMarr, in 1 game:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong
Sacks�: 0
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 0
First
downs allowed:� 1
TDs
allowed:� 0