2011 Season in Review
WoodenDong Report�
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you The
WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2
seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the
exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As
longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with
his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some
fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for
well over a decade.)��
For
the 2011 season, we and we alone took the time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr
Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.� (Apologies for the tardiness of this
report....work and other stuff bogged me down...)
�
Here�s
Big LaMarr�s season in a nutshell -- he did nothing
the first 5 weeks of the season.� NOTHING.��� The low
point was the loss to Houston, in which The Dogger was blocked 25 times by a TE
as opposed to 8 times by an O-lineman, yet did nothing the entire game.�� He personally allowed the game-winning TD
run by Foster when, while UNBLOCKED, Big LaMarr feebly waved at Foster before
thrusting his dick in the dirt.�� Big
LaMarr compiled a few Dong Sacks in Oct,�
earning a farcical �D-side player of the month� award, and then soon
injured his hammy and was rarely ever heard from again.��� $61M for a lazy,
overweight, over-rated sack o� dung.����
The
game by game breakdown is below --
|
Sack # |
Game |
Opp. |
Game Time |
Down/ Dist. |
Whom beat |
Added Description |
Result |
Jar or strip |
Earned/
Dong |
Additional
notes |
|
1 |
1 |
@ Balt. |
15:00 4Q |
2d & 6 |
TE Ed� Dickson |
Dickson was a solo chip blocker and peeled off on the play.�� Coverage sack. |
loss -9 yds |
none |
Dong |
Faced RT Michael Ohrer most of the
day.� Had 3 solos, 0 A's....2 slop
stops and 1 Dong Sack. |
|
2 |
2 |
vs. Seattle |
4Q |
� |
no one |
Came
in totally untouched and unblocked, and teamed with McClendon
to get a half-sack. |
� |
none |
Dong |
2
solos, 1 A.����� This sack was oringially ruled a HALF sack and then incorrectly changed
to a "full sack" days after the game for no good reason.�� McClendon had at least 50% of this
sack.�� |
|
-- |
3 |
@
Indy |
none |
N/A |
no one |
|
|
|
|
Had
2 solos, 3 A's.� |
|
|
4 |
@
Hou |
none |
N/A |
no
one |
|
|
|
|
25
times blocked by a TE�
12 times by an OL.��� 8
times dropped into coverage.�� 8 times
unblocked.�� 1 time double-teamed.� 4 solo, 1 A. |
|
3 |
5 |
Tenn. |
2Q |
|
RB
Ahmard Hall |
Big
LaMarr teamed with Hood for a coverage sack in the 2Q, when Hasseljack had plenty of time, and then spun around and
simply fell to the ground like a coward.��
|
|
none |
Dong |
1
solo, 2 A.�� Also got a Dong INT when
Keisel batted a pass and the ball popped 25 feet into the air for a simpletonistic Dong INT.�
|
|
4 |
6 |
Jax |
|
|
Backup
RB Brock Balen |
|
|
none |
Dong |
|
|
5 |
6 |
Jax |
9:02
2Q |
3d
& 6 |
OG
Guy Whimper |
Big
LaMarr was solo blocked by RT Guy Whimper, who until this season, had started
all of one game in 4 (four) NFL seasons.��
The rookie QB, Gabbert, had all day, and
finally took a coverage sack. |
|
none |
Dong |
8
days later, Whimper was easily and savagely beaten -- without a whimper --
for a sack on nat'l TV by Balt.
backup DE Paul Kreuger.� Finished with 4 solos, 4 A's. |
|
6 |
7 |
@
AZ |
14:52
2Q |
3d
& 11 |
OG
Rex Hadnot |
|
|
none |
Dong |
|
|
7 |
7 |
@
AZ |
10:06
3Q |
1
& 10 |
Backup
TE Jeff King |
|
|
none |
Dong |
Had
5 solos & 2 A, not the 6 & 1 as listed in the boxscore |
|
8 |
8 |
vs.
N.E. |
10:55
2Q |
3d
& 15 |
no
one |
stunted up C/G, untouched, for easy Dong Sack. |
|
none |
Dong |
Had
2 solos, 0 A before leaving at 5:44 3Q with ham injury. |
|
9 |
8 |
vs.
N.E. |
0:51
2Q |
1
& 10 |
RT
Sebastian Vollmer |
LaMarr
gave Vollmer an initial bull-shove, and Vollmer responded like Jon Scott --
collapsing backwards, and then doing nothing.�
|
-7 |
none |
Earned |
Barely
an earned sack, given the lackluster blocking effort by a rusty RT who hadn't
played in over a month due to a bad back. |
|
|
9 |
vs. Balt. |
|
|
|
Did
Not Play |
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
@
Cinci |
|
|
|
Did
Not Play |
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
@
KC |
|
|
|
Did
Not Play |
|
|
|
|
|
|
12 |
vs.
Cinci |
|
|
|
� |
|
|
|
0
solos, 1 A. |
|
|
13 |
vs.
Cleve |
|
|
|
Did
Not Play |
|
|
|
|
|
|
14 |
@
San Fran |
|
|
|
� |
|
|
|
2
solos, 2 A.� |
|
|
15 |
vs.
St Louis |
|
|
|
Did
Not Play |
|
|
|
|
|
|
16 |
@
Clev |
|
|
|
Did
Not Play |
|
|
|
|
|
|
17 |
@
Denv |
|
|
|
Played,
did nothing.�� |
|
|
|
2
slop stops, 0 A.�� Did absolutely
nothing the entire game. |
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish
him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger
himself.�
Season totals for Big
LaMarr, in 10 played games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong
Sacks�: 8.0��
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 4
First
downs allowed:� 11
TDs
allowed:� 2