The WoodenDong Report� (Game #14, @ San Fran)
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you The
WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2
seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the
exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As
longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with
his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some
fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for
well over a decade.)��
Here
in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the
outrageous fraud that he truly is.�
�
Having
sat out all but a few series in the past 5 games, The
$61M He-Man finally got up the gumption and courage to play.�� He played thru the first 3 quarters, with Big
LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, credited with 2 solos and 0
assist.�
�Here�s what Big LaMarr did:
���� - on the first
69er play from scrimmage, 1-10-SF 27 (10:36), Gore ran up right guard for 4 yards. ��Big LaMarr was barely nudged and got a slop
stop....4 yards downfield, which is a �loss� for the defense.��
��� -� 2-10-SF 49 (8:23 2Q) Gore ran up
the middle to PIT 46 for 5 yards.�� On this
play, Big LaMarr was totally unblocked, and then did this little faggot-fuk kneel-down and shoulder-tap on Gore.� Gore bounced off and chugged for 2 more yards
on a 5-yard gain.� A
really pussyfied play by a complete pussy.�� This is a play where a legitimate LB,
weighing 270 pounds, puts the wood to the RB and delivers a blow and a
message.�� But once again, Woodley does
very little and he actually got credit for a slop stop
after a five yard gain.� �
���� This was it in terms of ANY production or
impact from Big LaMarr.��� In terms of pass
heat and pass harassment, Big LaMarr did absolutely nothing.��� Had he had a 15-foot pole, he still wouldn�t
have touched QB Alex Smith on any play the entire evening.���
On
the Davis 1-yard TD reception, Woodley did absolutely nothing, as he failed to jam Davis and failed to read the
PAP.�� A shit play by a
shit player.�
Woodley
bowed out of the game right after that and never returned.�� It was assumed that it was a combination of
his hamstring and the sheer embarrassment of his dildo-inhaling
performance.��� But according to the Trib Review article, Big LaMarr �just got a little
fatigued�, so like the gutless piece of shit that he is, he sat out the entire 4th
quarter.��� Said the Big $61M He-Man, �I
just got a little fatigued so I got out.��
We expected that anyway, that it was going to get fatigued.���� ��
Never
mind the game was played in the cool, comfy temperatures of San Fran.�� Never mind the 1st half was halted for 15
minutes due to the power outage, meaning that fatigue should never
have been a factor.�� Never mind that The $61M Man should have been exercising in a variety of
manners (swimming, elliptical, bike, and so on) in order to ensure he was not
fatigued.�� Never mind that his team desperately
needed a spark.�� Never mind that his
team was fighting to retain home field advantage for the playoffs.� Never mind that his QB, with a horrifically
painful ankle injury, was gamely and grittily fighting it out despite taking a
beating back in the pocket.�
No,
the Big $61M He-Man has his money, and like the
gutless coward that he is, he pulled himself from the game and sat.��
�
Big hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� None.��� Harassment ?�� �None.� �Blown
up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.�
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish
him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger
himself.�
Season to date totals
for Big LaMarr, in 9+ played games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong
Sacks�: 8.0��
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 3
First
downs allowed:� 11
TDs
allowed:� 1