The WoodenDong Report� (Game #7, @ Arizona)
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you The
WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2
seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the
exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall,
Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have
incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��
Here
in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the
outrageous fraud that he truly is.�
�
In
the game against the lowly 1-4 Cards, Big LaMarr had perhaps his best game of
the year, albeit far from an All-Pro, studly
performance.�� He managed to get on/the
stat sheet -- causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s back� --� but the grim reality was that it was mostly just
another stad-padding endeavor by a mediocre
player.��
Big LaMarr, The
Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 6 solos and 1 assist.� In reality, he had FIVE solos and 2 assists,
and the stats were chock full of Dong stops.�
On paper, it looks liked Big LaMarr had a �monster game�, but it was
loads of gooey slop.���
�Here�s what Big LaMarr did:
�� - On the 2d series of the game, Big LaMarr
had the rarest of accomplishments -- shedding the block and nabbing Wells for a
quality solo stop.�� Stop the
presses!�� Big LaMarr actually SHED a
block on a ground play !��
�� - on 3d & 11 (an obvious passing
down) early in the 2Q, LaMarr was SOLO blocked by a GUARD on an over-load
blitz, in which the Stillers overloaded their left side and overwhelmed the
right side of the Jax line.�� LaMarr got
a Dong Sack for a 7-yard loss.��
��� - on a 1st & 1
at 7:25 2Q, Wells ran up a nice fissure up right tacklefor 6 yards.�
LaMarr teamed with Taylor for an assist, per the play by play on
NFL.com.� �Indeed, Woodley didn�t have 6 solos and 1
assist, but rather 5 solos and 2 assists.�
�� - On a Wells run in the 2Q, Timmons pounced
on Wells on a stutter-plunge.� �As this was happening, Big LaMarr was
literally on his hands and knees -- like a complete asspump
-- and Wells fell into LaMarr as he was being tackled for a 6-yard gain.�� For this heroic effort, LaMarr got a slop
assist.��
�� - in the 3Q, Smith
ran up a nice hole up the gut, and gained a huge chunk of yardage.� Big LaMar got a
slop stop at the 11-yard dash.��
�� - On the very next play, Smith ran to his
left, and then cut back.� Big LaMarr was
barely nudge-blocked and then left ALONE, and he barreled into Smith for an
easy solo stop.��
�� -� On
the next play, Big LaMarr was SOLO blocked by backup TE Jeff King and
then got a fingernail grab of Kolb�s jersey for a Dong Sack.�� The Committee doesn�t award a legit sack
when beating a no-name scrub backup TE.���
�� - Late in the 3Q, with the Cards pinned near
their GL after a punt, Big LaMarr was left totally unblocked and
untouched.�� He then rushed into the
empty backfield and harassed Kolb into a hasty TA that was ruled grounding in
the EZ for a safety.��� Again, though.....this
was hardly some earth-shattering, he-man play.��
The man was totally untouched and unblocked, and he simply ventured into
the backfield and harassed a horribly mediocre QB into a
grounding.���
As
you can see, when you peel back the reality of what actually occurred on the
gridiron, you can clearly see that it wasn�t quite the dominant effort that the
Pittsburgh media and the stats sheet purports.��
He had a couple of Dong sacks;�
one when he was in an OVERLOAD blitz and beat a guard, and the other when
he was SOLO blocked by backup TE Jeff King.�� LaMarr was lauded with a �forced safety� on
an intentional grounding when he was totally unblocked and untouched.��� He had a few other slop stops, including
the ridiculous credit for a solo on a plunge that gained 11 yards, and a slop assist on a play where The Dogger was
literally on his hands and knees, doing nothing, when the RB ran into a nearby
pile.��� He also had a sloppy pass rush, going was too far upfield, allowing Kalb to scramble
up a huge fissure for 11 yards in the 2Q.��
Of course, shit plays like that don�t show up on any stat sheet.�
��
Big hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� Very, very little, aside from unblocked plays and overloaded
blitzes.��� Harassment
?�� Very, very
little.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Little.� His �big plays� came when he was totally
unblocked, or SOLO blocked by a backup TE.�
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish
him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger
himself.�
Season to date totals
for Big LaMarr, in 7 games:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong
Sacks�: 7.0��
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 3
First
downs allowed:� 11
TDs
allowed:� 1