The WoodenDong Report� (Game #6, vs. Jax)
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you The
WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper
statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the
work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall,
Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have
incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��
Here
in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the
outrageous fraud that he truly is.�
�
In
the game against the lowly 1-4 Jags, Big LaMarr had
yet another lukewarm effort. �He managed
to get on/the stat sheet -- causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s
back� --� but
the grim, sad reality was that it was just another mediocre game by a mediocre player.��
Big
LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 4 solos and 4
assists.� In reality, the stats were Dong
stops, and his impact was minimal.� Here�s
what Big LaMarr did:
� �1st series, Drew up LG/LT.�� LaMarr mosied down the LOS, barely nudge-blocked, and got a slop
assist,�� On a
difficulty scale from 1-10, this was a 1.��
���
� �A
short while later, Big LaMarr was solo blocked by a
TE on a run up LG.��
LaMarr jousted with the TE down the LOS, and
lightly chipped in a slop assist FIVE yards down the field on a 5-yard
gain.��
�� On the next play, LaMarr
was SOLO blocked by a backup RB, Brock Balen.�� To make matter easier, Balen
was lined up as a wingback on the LEFT side of the Jax
formation, and at the snap, was tasked to come all the way to his right to
block an untouched Woodley.��� Big LaMarr beat this block and got a Dong Sack.���
��� At 4:09 1Q, Big LaMarr
got totally caved in and buried by the TE, while Drew ran by for an easy 4-yard
gain.� �
��� In the 2Q, Big LaMarr
was flagged for a dumbassed neutral zone infraction
on a 3d & 4, giving the Jags a freebie 1st down.��
���
��� At 12:53 2Q, Big LaMarr
had pressure on the QB !��� Of course, what ya
won�t read is that he was totally unblocked on the play.��
��� On a 3d & 6 at 9:02 2Q, Big LaMarr was solo blocked by RT Guy Whimper, who until this
season, had started all of one game in 4 (four) NFL seasons.�� The rookie QB, Gabbert,
had all day, and finally took a coverage sack by LaMarr,
which of course goes into the books as a Dong Sack.� �
���� In the 3Q, Drew ran a stretch play to the
left, and plowed against some penetration from the left side of the Steeler D.�� Woodley mosied over and got a weak-assed slop assist on little more
than a stack jump.��
��� In the 4Q, Drew ran wide left and bounced
of Keisel.��
Drew then cut it back, and Big LaMarr got yet
another slop assist.�
��� On the next play, Drew ran up RG.�� Big LaMarr was
totally unblocked and untouched, and got a slop assist after a hefty 5-yard
gain.��
��� On the next play, backup RB Deji Karim ran up RG, but the
hole was totally stuffed by the NT and DE.��
As the RB stuttered against a wall, Big LaMarr
just reached in and grabbed at the stationary RBm and
got a solo slop stop.
Big
LaMarr was also involved in a large bit of
foolishness in the 3Q of a close ballgame.�
Big LaMarr, the big tough-guy that he is, got
into a scuffle with FB Greg Jones.� The
scuffle grew heated and turned into some fierce jostling.�� All of
the sudden, one man slammed the other onto the ground, onto his
back.��� Poor Jonesie....er,
wait, no, Poor LaMarr, who got his ass thrown onto
the turf by a running back who gave up 2 inches and well over 20 pounds.� What a weak-assed puddpuller.���
It�s bad enough
Woodley got goaded into a scuffle that could have resulted not only in a costly
penalty (luckily there were offsetting flags), but also a possible
ejection.�� But then, to make matters
worse, he gets his fat ass kicked by a no-name RB.� It goes to show you how little strength,
leverage, and athleticism The Big He-man actually has.�
Big hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� Very, very little.��� Harassment ?�� Very, very little.��
Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Very, very little.�
The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting
and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.� His �big plays� came when he was totally
unblocked, or SOLO blocked by a wingback from the opposite side of the
formation.�
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish
him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger
himself.�
Season to date totals
for Big LaMarr, in 6 games:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong
Sacks�: 5.0��
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 3
First
downs allowed:� 9
TDs
allowed:� 1