For a Dick, You Sure Are a Pussy

For a Dick, You Sure Are a Pussy

�Sucks Says

Random Rants by PalmerSucks

September 30, 2209

We can talk about Wallace's lack of footwork that cost the Steelers a TD. We can talk about Holmes running upfield when he should've curled back in, which gave the Bungals a TD. We can even
rant about Limas Weed's (the guy who must be smokin� some serious doobage before each game) drop, which took a banked 6 off the board.

But the fact is, even with those goofs, the Stillers still held the lead Sunday; it was up to the defense to hold it. And when it�s up to the Stillers� D to secure the fort, that responsibility lays on one man�s shoulders: Dick Lebeau, who at least for now deserve a first name more suggestive of the female version of genitalia. Dildo Dick, Dick LeDouche, Lips Lebeau � I don�t know, none of these truly satisfy, and you the reader can no doubt do better. The point is, it�s time to have the guts to call things as they really are.

That said, allow me to back it up here. Watching Rex Ryan's defense take on the Titans in the undercard game, the contrast was painful. Ryan didn't flinch when his rookie QB gave up the big pick late in the 4th quarter of a tight game - no, Rex, unlike the Dickster, sent his guys flying after Kerry Collins in an all-out effort to make sure there was no threat of a comeback. Needless to point out, he succeeded.

Now contrast this with Lebeau's lame, chickenshit, schoolgirl-under-the-bed game plan, which gave Cincy Choker Carson Palmer time to dine on a chickenshit-salad sandwich and pick out receivers at his leisure. Got a prob with that?  You better shut up, because hey, nobody less than Rod Woodson demanded this guy nail down a spot in the Hall.

And it wasn�t just the game plan, as usual, it was the total lack of adjusting to this clusterfuck that really iced things. You�d think the Stillers, surrendering a cheesy FG right before the half, would come out of the locker room blitzing � instead they laid back in cushion coverage, dead and directionless, like a bunch of extras in a George Romero movie. The one time I recall Dick sending the heat, a right-side overload where Harrison gladly sacrificed himself to the now-standard double team, Lawrence Timmons was able to blow in untouched and harass the Cornholer. But did the Grand Master learn from this? No, instead he went back to the same lay-back-and-wait defense that allowed Jay Gutless to pad his stats in Chicago last week.

Yep, this one goes on Dick, though the close runner-up is Coach Tomlin, whose own sudden lack of seeds led him to approve  the Cowherian field goal on 4th and a pube from the Cincy goal line. The stat sheet says Willie Parker rushed for 93 yards; it was a half-yard short of what he needed. Miss that extra 4 points now? I knew we were in for a rough one the minute Coach turned down the TD.

 I'm giving Bruce Arians the pass this week because frankly it's clear now this guy has taken the fall for the other coaches far too much. Not that Bruce helped any, mind you, it�s just it�s time the head man and his �future Hall of Fame� assistant took some heat.

Thanks to Dick's softee calls, Carson Choke got to waltz through the entire last quarter like it was training camp. Thanks to that, Carson didn't choke, and really, if you can't count on Choke Boy to choke, what can you count on? What's next, Santa Claus not coming down the chimney, or granny not serving the Thanksgiving pie? I tell you, this perversion of football is downright un-American.

The stat line says the Bungholes achieved drives of 81 and 75 yards. Reality says that was really Dick Lebeau�s doing.

OK, Stiller fans, time to face reality. Last week we could deny it, this week we can�t. Last year the Stillers won these kinds of ugly games nine times; already this year they�ve choked twice. No, this year it's a real battle for the division, to be fought among the Ravens, Stillers and now, apparently, the Bungals.

GOAT OF THE GAME: A special shout-out goes to James Farrior, aka �James Failure� aka �the new Larry Foote.�  I don�t know which is worse, blowing the easy game-ending tackle on 4^th down (vs. a cement-footed back no less) or co-starring in the pic of the Cincy receiver catching the winning TD pass. Actually I do � there was no excuse whatsoever for not making that tackle.

Right now some are calling out Failure: I�d like to go one further. I�m calling for him to come out, and be replaced by either Fox or, for some real guts and creativity, Arnold Harrison. (A star of the preseason, and before you go laughing, look around at the winning teams who aren�t afraid to stick in their young players to replace older vets playing on rep only.)  Neither one could possibly do worse than Juked-Out Jimmy, and just as Timmons�s speed is an upgrade over Slow-a-Foote, so would Fox�s be over Failure�s.

Now if we could just do something about Lamarr Woodley, currently doing a really bad Hulk Hogan impression. Hey Wood, ever catch any of those Nutrisystem commercials?  A 20-lb. slimdown would do wonders for the Stillers� pass rush right now.

Time to face facts: the Stiller D is now living off its �number one defense� hype. Long has this site chronicled the late-game breakdowns and crunch-time collapses; I won�t go into the particulars. But the word �overrated� now applies to the unit. That�s not to say the Stiller D sucks, because they generally excel at keeping the other team�s scoring down. However, a truly elite defense doesn�t break down at the worst time � namely, the end of games. Yeah, it�s great James Harrison returns a fumble 100 yards for a big score before the half, but I�d rather see him lead the charge in stonewalling the opponent late � when games are actually won or lost. Go back and review this season�s games; you�ll see the Stiller D giving up crucial points right before the half, or late in the 4^th. That simply can�t happen with a championship caliber squad.

Now for some good news: nobody is this division is really that unbeatable, and that includes the overrated Ravens and their overrated second-year new Dilfer, Joe Flaccid. The fact is, the Ravens have feasted on an easy schedule, beginning with KC, continuing with a game they should've lost to San Diego if not for a drop of a sure TD (where have we heard this one before?) and now the hapless Clownies with Brady Queen at QB. Doubt it? Go look up how many yards Phil Rivers notched against them � their defense is every bit as overhyped as the Stillers�. The Ravens are a bunch of man cocks so beatable, they ought to come coated with Jergen's lotion.

THE STRANGE CASE OF SANTONIO HOLMES: What gives with the Tonester, who�s now cost the Stillers 14 points the last two games, and probably the Bears� game to boot? Where did the MVP go? The answer is this: back to his regular-season funk. Don�t bum out totally: this is just how he rolls. The good news is, if � no when � the Stillers make the playoffs, expect him to grow a pair of balls and another six inches. Yeah, it�s going to be frustrating in the meantime, but given the choice, I�ll take the January Giant over the September Stud any day. In the meantime, just sit back and make like Holmes:  cue up the Bob Marley, light up another bowl of Mother Nature and chill out, Buffalo Soldier.

Tell me at least one of you out there caught the CBS pre-game last Sunday. Tell me you didn�t miss Bill Cowher�s absolutely shocking �revelation� that � wait for it � football games are won by passing, not running. PLEASE tell me you didn�t miss that one.

Way to finally get it coach, and by the way, thanks for getting it about 20 years too late and treating us all to some fond memories that will be forever burned into our brains (San Diego �94 oh yeah!). According to Bill, though, he has an excuse: see when he started head-coaching in the early �90s, football was still about �defense, the running game and special teams.�

Oh really? Gosh, Coach, whose dynasty was in effect at that time, was it� the San Francisco 49ers? You know, the team led by Tom Rathman and Keena �Don�t Call Me Tina� Turner? And not guys like Joe Montana and Jerry Rice? Yeah, that run game and defense-driven team. Child, please.

Guess what coach � whether you realize it or not, all you�re saying is touchdowns make champs, field goals make chumps. Duh. Obvious fact is, go-for-the-jugular passing teams tend to score more points, while your grind-it-out teams rack up those threebies. Shame Bill didn�t have this little revelation before the �05 playoffs � who knows, maybe he wouldn�t have kicked that faggy field goal against the Pats. (Somewhere, Belichick is watching tape of that broadcast and laughing his ass off.)

See coach � to go one further, it simply boils down to balls,  or lack thereof. Which thanks to two coaches, past and present, just happened to create the theme of this little commentary. Funny how things work sometimes.

Anyway, now just think of the spoiled fun � what�s going to happen to Ground Chump when he finally takes that next head-coaching job. What�s next: �Air Cowher?� See, Bill�s seen the light, and this time might even voluntarily draft a QB number one. Damn, my Cowher-to-Cleveland fantasy just got totally limp-dicked.

Thanks CBS � thanks not just for the worst TV coverage in football, but now this. Thanks a lot.

So now, we�ve covered the bad stuff. How about some good news?

Good news: if you�re going to fail, fail early, like the Stillers have done. December is no time to discover your high-draft-choice receiver can�t catch, or your defense chokes like Jenna Jameson. Most of all, it�s best to discover your team can just show up and beat any opponent because, hey, we�re the champs! No reality must be faced, and moves must be made: already we�re seeing it as we wave goodbye to Weed on the active roster, and hello to Shaun McDonald, who frankly earned a spot based on his work in the pre-season. It�s classic addition by subtraction, as the Stillers guarantee there will be no more drops at the worst possible times. And it�s the kind of gutsy move that a contending team makes.

Likewise, it�s better for your linebacker who terrified the NFL from day one to discover early why he�s just not doing it anymore. Cockiness? Complacency? Extra bulk? Whatever, those faults can all be corrected, whether by embarrassing film study or diet. Forget Polamalu for a minute, the true stars of the Lebeau 3-4 have always been the OLBs. A couple routine pressures or sacks by our two guys and I�m not writing this kind of commentary right now.

Good news: that Ravens squad that�s suddenly all cocky now plays New England, who showed how a good team snaps back against a young snot-nosed whippersnapper team. Before we go handing the Ravens the division, and Joe Flaccid the passing title, let�s review their opposition: Kansas City, San Diego and Cleveland. KC and Cleveland, hold your snickers. The Charger game they lose if some rook San Diego WR holds onto the winning TD pass (is there a theme here?).

This means the Stillers can jump right back into the hunt with a win Sunday Night, and count me in among the 65,000 or so with extra pre-game drinking time on their hands to help make that happen.

Only in places like Cincinnati do they win Super Bowls in September. Personally I prefer to do my celebrating in February. Let�s hope the Stillers do, too.

Anyway, that�s it and once again, I�m PalmerSucks, and this is what I say.

(The views of PalmerSucks are not necessarily those of Stillers.com, but should be.)