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The New Nickname for Conrad

December 16, 1999 by Still Mill

The Conrad Nickname Dilemma

The Conrad Nickname Dilemma

Thanx to all our faithful readers who emailed or posted (on the message board) their ideas for a nickname for Chris Conrad.

As yunz may recall, I'd begun this endeavor with 2 possiblities: "The Human Turnstile" (or "Turnstile" for short) and "The Upright Alligator".

This really has become a tough call, especially with the outstanding feedback we got.

  • Here's some of the input we received:

"Chris 'Traffic Cop' Conrad...just signals everyone to go on through.�"

"The invisible girl"

"The conductor" Step right this way!

"Con rad in"

"The movable object providing stoppable force"

" Ole' "

"I like "The Mannequin Man" for Pis Conrad since he can't block a mannequin".

"Would you like to say hi to my pal Mike?"

"I dare you to knock this ... Hey, where'd you go"

"Chris 'Kringle' spreading sacks and tackles for losses to all the good little linemen and linebackers"

"How about 'The Matador? He just waves his arms as the bulls go by. A turnstile slows people/objects down, a matador doesn't." And another related idea: "While I like "the Human Turnstile," the logic for "The Matador" make sense. Waving his arms and doing nothin' describes his play to a tee."

"Looking for Mr. Goodblock"?

" 'Clearance Rack Merchandise', what the Rooney's always buy!"

"How about 'Ugly Discount Ho'? Come on in for free ........"

"How 'bout 'The Searcher', since he couldn't find his butt with both hands in broad daylight."

"What about 'Jar' ?. This has a 2-fold meaning. First, the whole nickname could be Piss 'Jar' Conrad, or Piss Conrad for short. 'Jar' relates to the fact that "He's not worth a cold jar of piss."

"What was the name of the robot in 'Lost In Space'? ..."Warning... warning.. Mike Tomczak..."

These are all quality, top-shelf proposals. The toughest thing for me, is to decide on which moniker to use.

I really like "The Matador". My only concern with "The Matador" is one could take the reference

the wrong way and view Conrad as a swashbuckling figure who eventually kills the bull. As we know, if we're going to relate him to anything related to bullriding and bullfighting, Conrad is far more of a rodeo clown than a matador...

I was initially fond of "The Upright Alligator", since --- if you can picture an alligator standing on its hind legs and trying to block with its 5-inch-long forepaws --- this pretty much resembles Conrad. The only concern is that alligators are perceived as a fierce, tough animal capable of gnawing a human being in half with a few quick chomps. Since Conrad isn't even capable of blocking a human being, much less chomping him up and spitting him out, this might be misconstrued.

"The Mannequin Man" (or Mannequin, for short) is a strong contender. First, it accurately describes the 1 entity in the universe --- besides an empty trash can --- that Conrad is capable of blocking. Second -- and perhaps more importantly -- it accurately describes the arm extension Conrad gets when he blocks. Most mannequins, when ya think about it, have NO arms --- they merely have stubs about 3 inches down from the shoulders, which works fine for in-store clothing displays. Conrad's arm extension is no more than these kind of mannequins. Furthermore, even when ya consider a mannequin that has full arms, those arms are so stiff, weak, and useless for any laborious tasks, that they are like Conrad's arms.

Therefore, I have decided upon the name "Mannequin" for Conrad. However, all these other names still apply to the stiff, and will be interspersed along with "The Mannequin" in future articles. Again, thanx for your help!!

The Still Mill

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