The GilDong Report (Game #2, @ KC)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
Jason, known around the league as The Paper Tiger
for his ability to compile paper statistics, had yet another weak-assed effort
in the loss to KC.� Jason finished with
a whopping 2 solos and no assists, in what was one of the softest, meekest
efforts by a LB in the annals of NFL history.��
�
{Speaking of stats, last year we expanded our "Dong
stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally accepted dong
principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're added a few
more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking of Jason
GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.�
These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.�
Jason, the renown master of the Flop & Flail, has done this
with such frequency and adroitness that this stat is a surefire addition to the
NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include
the infamous Flop & Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then
feebly flails, as well as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted
flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL
tackler who actually knows something about technique, balance, and
hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.�
1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the
offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the ball into scoring
range.� Personally allowing a first down
is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field
and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.�
Obviously, the bottom line in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a
TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are required to even come close to
atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of Big Jason's game versus
KC:
1.� 1-10-PIT 37 1:32
1Q. The Chefs ran an end around with Hall toting the ball around
right end.� As you can see, Jason is
being solo-blocked by the backup TE, Jason Dunn�..
��� 
�and in the battle of the Jasons, Dunn mauls and bullies Big
Jason GilDong as easy as pushing a grocery cart down the aisle of Giant
Iggle�.�
���
�The mauling continues, and finally Big Jason (GilDong, that
is) gets an easy, cheesy tackle of Hall along the sidelines�..but only after
Hall gained an easy 12-yards and a 1st down.�
��� 
What was really sad and pathetic, was the fact that this
mauling started at the 36 yard line, and went fully to the 30-yard line -- a
distance of 6 yards.� Yep, that's right
-- Skates GilDong got wheeled back a full 6 yards by a backup TE.�� Even sadder, is the fact that Jason turned
his back to the blocker during the mauling, which our crack staff
failed to capture in their photos.�
2.� On 3rd & 6 at
14:00 2Q, Jason was flagged for foolishly being offsides.
3.� 1-2-PIT
2 13:35 2Q. Priest took a handoff and headed to his
right.� Meanwhile, The Big He-Man, Jason
GilDong, was getting solo blocked by TE Tony Gonzales�.
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�the mauling continues, with a chip block from the FB�..
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�.the mauling turns into a full scale, unmerciful bullying,
with Jason getting rudely bullied out of bounds as though
he were a punk spectator being escorted out of the stadium by a security
guard�.
��� 
�unbelievably, this brutal mauling still continues, with
Jason getting plowed OFF the white sideline strip and onto the green area
behind the strip.��
��� 
Priest was stopped for a 1-yard loss, no thanks to the Blow
Bowl LB, Jason GilDong, who got mauled and bullied out of bounds.� This is bag-o-barf football, folks,
performed by a fraudulent LB making $6M a year.� Sure enough, the GilDong Apologists Association (GAA) will claim,
"But�.but�Jason had outside contain�"�
4.� 2-3-PIT 40 8:18
2Q. Here's a prime example of Jason's "Big Bull
Rush".� While Trent Green takes a
5-yard drop, Jason is solo blocked and is doing absolutely nothing�
��� 
�the Sultan of Soft never gets any push upfield whatsoever�.
��� 
�and ultimately, he's dumped onto his ass.��
Quick -- call Rooney.�
We can't pay enough for this guy of impact playmaking on defense.� Shovel more millions at the $6M Dong.��
5.� 2-2-PIT 8 6:20
2Q. Priest ran the ball up RG.�
�Jason, being solo blocked by
Gonzo, got mauled off the LOS and ultimately pancaked onto the turf.� Our crack (or should I say
"cracked") staff failed to get me these pics, so go back and watch
the video for yourself.�
6.� 3-3-PIT 3 4:55
2Q. Jason was lined up� lil'
bit wide, and a couple yards off the ball, aligned with TE Jason Dunn�
�
�.at the snap, Dunn immediately goes into his pass pattern,
and runs so close to Jason GilDong that the two Jasons could have performed
homosexual relations without removing their clothing.� So what did the big, brawling, "pro bowl" LB do to the
TE that was, millimeters away, releasing into a pass pattern?�
��� 
�Answer:� jack shit
nothing.� The Big Dong didn't jam,
chuck, bump, blast, smack, shiver, or shove Jason Dunn.� GilDong, as is his mantra, DID NOTHING.�� All Dunn did, then, was dash to the back of
the end zone� and haul in an easy
touchdown pass, thus giving the Chiefs their first lead of the game,
21-17.� But, hey, Jason's supposedly a
"pro bowl linebacker" and "team captain".�� He's just so great and just so
awesome.��
7.� 2-4-PIT 4
12:15 3Q.� Priest takes the handoff and
runs right�.
��� 
�In a repeat of play #3 above, Gonzo mauls GilDong off the
LOS and toward the sideline�.
��� 
�the mauling isn't over until Gonzo bulldozes the big he-man
LB out of bounds, while Priest scores the easy TD.
��� 
�
Below is the replay angle of this horrific mauling�.
��� 
�note that this is NOT the same play as referenced up above
(13:35 2Q)�.although it is an identically embarrassing ass-kicking by Tony
Gonzo on Big Jason GilDong�
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��� 
�
�the mauling finally comes to an end, with Big Jason bullied
waaaay out of bounds, past the white strip, while Priest saunters into the EZ
for the TD��
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It's sickening enough to watch any LB get bullied a full
16-some yards and then shoved out of bounds like yesterday's trash.� It's even more sickening when it happens
twice in one game.� But, hey, Jason
GilDong "really isn't that bad".�
"He's not as bad as some make it sound."�� "He's an ok player."��� Yeah, sure.� And Osama Bin Laden is just a small-time criminal who's not as
bad as some make it sound�.
8.� On a 3rd & 1
at 2:25 3Q, Jason was driven into the turf by Gonzo.� Remember this, as we'll re-visit this kind of vomit-inducing
linebacking in the 4Q.
9.� At 14:09 4Q,
Green completed a 0-step hitch to Hall in the right slot.� With Farrior flying up on his outside
shoulder, Hall had no choice but to cut back a bit to the inside, and Jason had
the cake-easy grab for his 2nd and final solo of the game.�
10.� 1-10-KC
37 7:56 4Q. Priest took the hand off and ran right, with tackle
John Tait pulling�.
�� 
�.one might expect a he-man pro bowler to attack the play, but
not Big Jason�.
�� 
�
�instead, the Big Boy meekly pitter-patters and does
nothing, and then gets blasted by Tait�.
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�
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�with the sideline so close and handy, Jason has an easy shot
of Priest, but instead weakly grabs at Priest�.�
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�and then is shrugged off like a pathetic little toddler and
ends up, as is all too often, on his ass.�
�� 
But, hey, Jason really is as great as he woofs.�� And he's not really as bad as The GilDong
Report makes him out to be.� We're all
just too hard on Big Jason.�
12.� 3-1-PIT
31 5:14 4Q. On another 3rd & 1, the Chefs went
to hand the ball to Priest.� Jason isn't
actively engaged with anyone at the snap�.
�but what does the Kong of Dong
do?� Seeing that the play isn't directly
at him, Jason GilDong dogs it in shameful fashion�.
��� 
�turning his back to Gonzo and
then getting driven into the turf like a turd.�
��� 
Meanwhile, Priest ran left, cut
back, and then dashed untouched for the game-icing TD, while Jason GilDong went
through the motions and dogged it by lying down on the job, plain &
simple.� GilDong played this play like a
turd, and ya can't polish a turd.� Wonder why
this defense is playing so soft and passive?��
Wonder why this D has lost its identity?� One only needs to look at this play, and see what the supposed
"leader" and "defensive captain" is doing.� Gee, what a great display of "leading
by example".� What an inspiration
to his teammates!�� What a prime example
of "what right looks like" to his defensive mates and rookies.
To summarize:� Jason had 2 solos:� one that came only after he was mauled and bullied on a reverse,
thus allowing 12 yards & the first down; and the other on a cake-easy stop
after a 0-step hitch o the slot receiver.�
He allowed one 1st down on a play in which he shamelessly turned his
back to the blocker, and was at least 50% responsible for both the Dunn TD
catch (no chuck at all from Big Jason) and Priest's 4-yard TD run in which
Jason was bullied waaay OOB.�
Sacks?� None.� Hurries created when he beat a blocker?� None.�
Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?�
None.� Forced turnovers?� None.�
Hard hits?� None.� Stuffed running plays?� None.�
Meaningful impact on the game?�
Absolutely none.�
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but Jason
was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays with flags
and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage 15 times, while
rushing the QB 10 times.�
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� The Chiefs ignored Jason on most plays and
treated him with as much fear as if they were facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh
media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for
what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does
nothing, and is clearly inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still
scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's
ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to expose
him, week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of The GilDong Report, then go
ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare what you observe to what the
report covers.� Don't have the game on
tape?� Then make it a point to isolate
on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next
week.� Soon enough, you'll join the
legions of Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of
The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth
about what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Season
to date totals for Jason, in 2 games:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�:� 0
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 2�
First downs allowed: 2
TDs allowed:� 1�
(Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
