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The WoodenDong Report (Game #5, vs. Tenn)

October 13, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #5, vs. Tenn)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��



Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.

In the game against the Titans, Big LaMarr had yet another lukewarm effort.He managed to get on the stat sheet -- causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s back� -- but the grim, sad reality was that it was just another crap game by a crapping player.��


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter) 1 solo and 2 assists in a game that saw Tenn run 67 offensive plays.In reality, the stats were Dong stops, and his impact was minimal.


His solo was a classic Dong Sack, in which he was SOLO blocked by a backup RB, Ahmard Hall, and rumbled by the huge mismatch for the sack.��� That shows the clear -- and correct -- lack of respect the Titans had with the $61M Man.�� While it was nice that, for once, Big LaMarr was able to beat a solo-blocking RB, we here at don�t fawn over a $61M, cap-eating starting OLB making such a routine, elementary play, much like we wouldn�t fawn over a WR beating a DE for a routine 4-yard reception on 2nd down and 14.�� ���


Big LaMarr teamed with Hood for a coverage sack in the 2Q, when Hasseljack had plenty of time, and then spun around and simply fell to the ground like a coward.��


LaMarr picked up his other assist on a slop assist on the 1st Titans play of the 2H, in which he was mauled off the LOS a good 5 yards, and then nudged into the ballcarrier at the end of a nice 5-yard gainer.This is a classic slop assist that a 7th round, 3rd string OLB can make.����


Big LaMarr has a couple (as in TWO) �pressures� during the game, 1 of which he came in totally unblocked and untouched.


There were loads of barf-laden plays that, unfortunately, do not show up on any stat sheets.��


���� - Big LaMarr was far too soft on a 1st & 10 counter play up RT in the 1Q, feebly taking on the pulling lineman and getting shoved wide, allowing a 6-yard gainer.�� SIX yards on 1st down is a WIN for the offense and a LOSS for the defense.���


��� - On a 3Q pass play, LaMarr immediately dropped into middle-coverage at the snap, and was far too slow to converge on Nate Washington on a crossing route.�� Worse, as Nate steamed toward the sideline and upfield, Big LaMarr basically QUIT on the play and started JOGGING as Nate sped away for a 21-yard gain.�� Simply a shit play by a shit player.�� To see a guy LOAF and JAKE is just sickening.....but then again, few fans actually see the game.Instead, they gawk at the stat sheet and then blindly proclaim that a loafing stiff like Woodley had a �big game�.��


Lest we forget, Big LaMarr had an INT.�� But again, that�s where defensive stats are so misleading and meaningless.�� Brett Keisel MADE that INT occur with a bat, with popped the ball up into the air a good 25-feet.�� All LaMarr had to do was out-joust a clumsy O-lineman -- whose back was to the ball and had NO IDEA where the ball actually was -- and haul in a plopped ball that was falling so softly that it wouldn�t have broken thru a wet paper bag.�� A classic Dong interception by a dong of a player.�� Just as we wouldn�t fawn over Larry Brown�s Dong INTs in Super Bowl 30 -- where he basically fair-caught 2 horrific mis-throws -- we won�t fawn over a Dong INT like that one.��


Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� Very little.��� Harassment ?�� Very little.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Very, very little.The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 3 games:


Earned Sacks: 0

Dong Sacks�: 3.0 ��

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:7

TDs allowed:1



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