The GilDong Report (Game #16, @ Balt)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
In a season
in which he has done virtually nothing, Jason GilDong, known
around the league as The Paper Tiger �for his ability to rack up paper stats on plays in which he did
absolutely nothing, Jason once again had a nice game on paper versus the
Ravens.� He was credited with 7 solos and
an assist, but as we will quickly see, Jason got credit for 2 solos in which he
did NOTHING to stop the ballcarrier, and his other solos were all the result of
cheesy, unblocked opportunities in which he still did nothing more than softly
love-tap the ballcarrier.�
{Speaking of stats, last year we
expanded our "Dong stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something
about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of
Big Jason's game versus the Ravens:
1. 1-10 BAL 37 13:28 1Q. On the
Ravens' first play from scrimmage, JL (Jamaal Lewis) took a handoff up RT.� Big Jason GilDong (red line, below) is being
SOLO blocked by the RT, Orlando Brown�.
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�as Lewis cruises through the hole
that Jason is half-responsible for, what's the Gilded Dong doing?� He's tittyfighting with Brown and absolutely
refusing to disengage with the blocker to make the stop.�
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Thanks to Jason's relentless
titty-jousting, Lewis gained an easy 6 yards, and the tone was set.� GilDong is entirely too similar to the
10-year old child who is tasked to rake leaves, and instead of doing something
productive -- like gathering and bagging the leaves -- he stands around and
pokes and paws with the rake, all in an effort to LOOK BUSY, but in reality is
doing absolutely nothing.� Jason loves
to "look busy", be it with tittyfights, rolling like TJ Hooker on the
turf, flopping around, or jumping on stacks.�
2. Two plays later, 3-1 BAL 46, seldom-used FB
"Jean-Luc" Ricard ran up the gut for a nice chunk of 4 yards.
At the snap, Jason was crashing toward the inside on this short-yardage play,
and as luck would have it, he managed to stumble right into Ricard for the
cheesy slop stop.�
3.� On the very
next play, 1-10 on the 50, JL took the handoff up RT.� Off the snap, Big Jason was easily buffeted and blasted wide, and
Lew ran up the massive fissure.� Lewis
then hit a scrum, and Big Jason softly piled in to help with the stop for a
cheesy assist 8 (eight) yards downfield.�
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4. Two plays later, 1-10 PIT 32, JL too the handoff toward
RG.� Meanwhile, Big Jason GilDong tried
to crash in�.
�instead, Jason gets BURIED like a corpse.� Yes, that's Jason, below (red circle)
getting planted into the turf of M & T Bank Stadium�.
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The replay angle is just as
hilarious.
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And one last angle, suitable for
viewing any time you need a good laugh:
Lewis gained a cool 19
yards on this play, in large part thanks to the burial of "the team
captain", Jason GilDong.
5. 1-10 BAL 20 1:54 1Q. JL up RT,
no gain, Casey stop. Jason was bullied 4 yards off LOS by the TE, T.
Jones
6. On the very next play, 2-10 BAL 20, Balt ran a
short pass to Jones (blue circle, below) on their right side.� Big Jason GilDong (red circle, below), who'd
dropped back into that piss-ant little zone in the flat, was in perfect
position to come up and stuff this play��
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�.instead, what does The
Flopper do?� The FLOPS to the ground
in a weak-assed, feeble, girlish, pathetic attempt at stopping the ballcarrier,
and comes up with nothing but air.�
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�Jones is still quite obviously
running with the ball, and only the tremendous all-out hustle by 340-pound NT
Casey Hampton brings Jones down after a 5-yard gain.�
Great play by Hampton to make the
SOLO tackle, right?� Wrong.� Unbelievably, Jason GilDong, who FLOPPED
N' FLAILED on this play, was credited with a SOLO tackle on his
pathetic whiff.�
7. 1-10 BAL 15 11:53 2Q Lewis took
the HO and head toward RT.� Meanwhile,
Big Jason was totally untouched and unblocked off the snap of the ball.� Jason then DANCED around FB Alan Picard, and
then FLOPPED himself onto the ground�
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�luckily for Jason, this was
enough to trip up Lewis for no gain.�
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�as you can see below, Jason was
actually not that close to where Lewis was stopped; Lewis got tripped up and
then hit a scrum of players.
The GilDongites will try to point
to this play and fawn over the prowess of Jason GilDong.� This was a weak, soft, overly-fortuitous
play.�� Flopping to the ground and praying
that a 1-arm flail will bring down a RB is hardly sound technique at the NFL
level.�
8. 1-10 BAL 10 3:22 2Q. After the
snap, Jason was feeble and tentative, not sure whether he should rush the
passer or cover the back (Lewis) who was sneaking out of the backfield.� As is usual with The Gilded Dong, Jason did
NEITHER.� He didn't harass the passer,
nor did he provide any coverage.� He
foolishly got caught in NO MAN'S LAND, and was easily victimized by this
dump-off pass, which gained a healthy 13 yards.
9. 4 plays later, 3-13 BAL 20. RB Chester
Taylor ran around right end. Jason was mauled wide, and Taylor
easily cut underneath this wide mauling for an easy 9-yard gainer.
Absolutely pitiful.
10. 1-10 BAL 22 7:09 3Q. Ricard took
a HO up gut.�� Meanwhile, the big,
he-man "pro bowler" was so feared by the Raavens that they left Jason
totally untouched and unblocked�
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�and Jason slid over for a real softee, love-tap solo stop
of Ricard for a 2-yard gain.
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11. 1-10 BAL 36 2:22 3Q. At the snap,
Wright faked the line plunge and then ran a bootleg to his right.� Sure enough, the "veteran team
leader", Jason GilDong, was totally fooled and bamboozled on the play
fake.� He then goes to cover the TE,
Jones, but as you can plainly see, Jason stumbles and bumbles like a wino after
a hard bout with a bottle of Night Train�.
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�Jones hauls in the pass, and
there's Jason -- the supposed "pro bowler" -- in perfect position to
make a bone-jarring hit, and heck, maybe even force a turnover�
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�Instead, the Princess of Cheeze
immediately FLOPS down to his knees like a starving crackwhore, and then paws
and gropes as Jones as though Jones were the bedroom partner of Michael
Jackson�
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�unbelievably, Jason is still
pawing and grasping at Jones, entirely unable and incapable of bringing the backup
TE down after such an EASY, simplistic tackle opportunity.�
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�with 2 other Stillers in hot pursuit,
and being so close to the sideline, Jones finally relents and goes down, but no
thanks to the gutless, softee play of the Kong of Dong, Jason GilDong.
12. 3-5 PIT 24 14:20 4Q. Lewis up RT,
Farrior stuff, -3. On this play, Big Jason was buffeted and bullied wide
by Brown.�
13. 3-15 BAL 31 11:26 4Q. As Wright
faded back to pass, Big Jason was being SOLO blocked by the backup TE,
Terry Jones.� We've heard for two
seasons now about how Big Jason is being unfairly picked on by having to face a
phalanx of blockers.� Here was the
perfect chance for Jason to use his so-called "big bull rush" and
provide heat and fury upon the QB �
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..instead, The Sultan of
Tittyfight did nothing
more than a weak, pansie-assed WIDE LOOP RUSH (WLR) against a 6'-3", 265
pound backup TE.�
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14. 2-9 PIT 45 7:02 4Q. KenBell sacked
Wright.� Lest anyone think Jason drew 2
or 3 blockers -- which then "freed up" Bell -- think again.� Jason was back in coverage on this
play.
15. 1-10 PIT 40 2:00 4Q. As JL head up RG,
Jason was UNTOUCHED and UNBLOCKED once again, and then flopped to his knees for
a SOFTEE SOLO, his 6th of the game.
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16. 1-10 PIT 27 13:24 OT.� As Lewis took the ball up the gut, Big Jason
was once again UNTOUCHED and UNBLOCKED.�
Jason feebly dove at Lewis for a 1-armed flail�
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�and pitifully whiffed.� Brent Alexander (blue circle, below)
actually makes the STOP, while Jason (red line) was lying on the turf humping
the grass.
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Unbelievably, The Paper Tiger got credit for a solo
stop on this putrid play.
17. 3-12 PIT 29 11:47 OT. It's
3rd & very long, so you're expecting something a bit more than a
line plunge. Sure enough, Jason, the "veteran leader", was
totally BAMBOOZLED by the line plunge, and was waaaay out of position as Wright
ran the bootleg to the right.� Wright
hit Jones with a decent pass, which Jones dropped.� Nonetheless, this was as sorry and putrid a job of outside
linebacking as you'll see in the NFL.�
(Note -- we'd have certainly placed photos here of this laughable play,
but Trivia foolishly allowed his tape to run out, and he was unable to grab
these photos.)�
To summarize:� Jason was credited with 7 solos assists and
one assist in this game.� A quick recap
of how these "stats" were garnered:
��
1.�� On a 3rd & 1 FB plunge,
Jason was crashing to the inside and stumbled into a cheezy slop stop of the
seldom-used FB.�
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2.� Jason meekly piled into a
scrum and stopped Lewis EIGHT yards downfield for a cheesy assist.
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3.� Jason flopped n' flailed on
Jones after a short pass to the TE, with Hampton making a superb play for the
stop, yet Jason was somehow credited with the solo.�
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4.� Big Jason was totally untouched and
unblocked off the snap of the ball, and then DANCED around the FB and FLOPPED
himself onto the ground, and got a lucky 1-armed trip-up of Lewis.
��
5.� Big Jason was totally untouched and
unblocked off the snap of the ball, and slid down the line for a softee,
love-tap solo on FB Alan Ricard.�
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6.�� Jason was badly fooled on a
PAP-bootleg, and then stumbled after the TE like a drunken wino.� Jason then had an easy-as-pie chance to
smack the TE after the catch, but instead feebly grabbed and pawed at the backup
TE, and only the threat of 2 more Stiller defenders caused Jones to relent and
go down.� Jason got a solo for this
softee display of grabass.
��
7.� Big Jason was totally untouched and
unblocked off the snap of the ball, and got a softee solo of Lewis on a
plunge.�
�� 8.� Big Jason was totally untouched and
unblocked off the snap of the ball, and whiffed on a 1-armed flail while Alex
made the stop, but somehow The Paper Tiger got credit for the solo.�
�
Two phantom solos that never
occurred; 2 solos on a seldom used FB; a weak shirt-grab of a TE when the TE
could have been buried; and 4 solos on plays in which Big Jason was totally untouched
and unblocked.�
The Flopper flopped to
his knees more often than a hungry crackwhore, and allowed 2 (two) 1st-downs
during the game and committed 2 flailing whiffs.� Hurries created when he beat a blocker?� None.� Hits on the QB
after beating a blocker?� None.� Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?� None.�
Meaningful impact on the game?� Absolutely
none.���
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook, Dale Lolleygag, Jim Waxall, and The GilDongites
("In Dong We Trust"), "�but�but Jason was back in
coverage practically the whole game."�
No, he was not. Counting plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran,
Jason dropped in coverage only 13 times, while rushing the QB 15 times.�
Meanwhile, Joey Porter rushed only 8 times the entire game, and dropped
into coverage 20 times.�
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� As shown repeatedly above, the Ravens
ignored Jason on most plays and treated him with as much fear as if they were
facing Justin Kurpeikis.� Time and time
again, Big Jason was MAULED by a solo blocker that was blocking all by himself,
and time and time again, Jason was left untouched and unblocked.�
Of course, simpletons like Ron
Cook, Dale Lolleygag, and John Skawski, the executive vice presidents of the GilDong
Apologists Association, will continue to fawn and gush all over Jason
GilDong.� Jason may be in the Steeler
record book for sacks, but he's also in the same book for being the biggest puss
in boots to ever wear a Stiller uniform.�
He babbles ad nauseum about quitting�.the ONE defender who has QUIT this
entire season is #92, Jason GilDong.� We
know exactly whom KenBell was referring to when he said this defense is
LAZY.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still
scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's
ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to
expose him, week in and week out, as long as he's a member of this team.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Stay tuned for the 2003
Season-in-review GilDong Report.
Season to date totals for Jason, in 16 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 5�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1/2
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 18 (plus Sea, and Oak. game, TBD)
First downs allowed: 31 (plus Sea, and Oak. game, TBD)����
TDs allowed:� 5 (plus Sea and Oak. game,
TBD)�
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately
predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)