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The WoodenDong Report (Game #14, @ San Fran)

December 22, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #14, @ San Fran)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��


Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.

Having sat out all but a few series in the past 5 games, The $61M He-Man finally got up the gumption and courage to play.�� He played thru the first 3 quarters, with Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, credited with 2 solos and 0 assist.


Here�s what Big LaMarr did:


���� - on the first 69er play from scrimmage, 1-10-SF 27 (10:36), Gore ran up right guard for 4 yards. ��Big LaMarr was barely nudged and got a slop stop....4 yards downfield, which is a �loss� for the defense.��


��� -2-10-SF 49 (8:23 2Q) Gore ran up the middle to PIT 46 for 5 yards.�� On this play, Big LaMarr was totally unblocked, and then did this little faggot-fuk kneel-down and shoulder-tap on Gore.Gore bounced off and chugged for 2 more yards on a 5-yard gain.A really pussyfied play by a complete pussy.�� This is a play where a legitimate LB, weighing 270 pounds, puts the wood to the RB and delivers a blow and a message.�� But once again, Woodley does very little and he actually got credit for a slop stop after a five yard gain.


���� This was it in terms of ANY production or impact from Big LaMarr.��� In terms of pass heat and pass harassment, Big LaMarr did absolutely nothing.��� Had he had a 15-foot pole, he still wouldn�t have touched QB Alex Smith on any play the entire evening.���


On the Davis 1-yard TD reception, Woodley did absolutely nothing, as he failed to jam Davis and failed to read the PAP.�� A shit play by a shit player.


Woodley bowed out of the game right after that and never returned.�� It was assumed that it was a combination of his hamstring and the sheer embarrassment of his dildo-inhaling performance.��� But according to the Trib Review article, Big LaMarr �just got a little fatigued�, so like the gutless piece of shit that he is, he sat out the entire 4th quarter.��� Said the Big $61M He-Man, �I just got a little fatigued so I got out.�� We expected that anyway, that it was going to get fatigued.����


Never mind the game was played in the cool, comfy temperatures of San Fran.�� Never mind the 1st half was halted for 15 minutes due to the power outage, meaning that fatigue should never have been a factor.�� Never mind that The $61M Man should have been exercising in a variety of manners (swimming, elliptical, bike, and so on) in order to ensure he was not fatigued.�� Never mind that his team desperately needed a spark.�� Never mind that his team was fighting to retain home field advantage for the playoffs.Never mind that his QB, with a horrifically painful ankle injury, was gamely and grittily fighting it out despite taking a beating back in the pocket.


No, the Big $61M He-Man has his money, and like the gutless coward that he is, he pulled himself from the game and sat.��

Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� None.��� Harassment ?�� None.Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 9+ played games:


Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks�: 8.0��

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:11

TDs allowed:1



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