The RePorter Report (Game #9, vs Clev.)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper statistics for 5-plus seasons, we here at Stillers.com
devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Big Jason was famous enough with his coverage
sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues still incorporate this into
their point systems.)
Now in 2005, the Stillers are saddled again by an underachieving, big-hype OLB, this being Joey The Porter.
Make no mistake, Porter was 3 times better than the Gilded Dong back in 2000, 2001, 2002, and 2003. And, Porter hasn't sunken
to quite the shamefully low standards of Jason GilDong. But, sadly and alarmingly enough, Porter has come awfully, awfully close
this season. He's been invisible in all too many games and hasn't made any more a positive impact than the governor of Louisiana
did in the days before and after Katrina. I gave him a free pass of sorts early in the season, due to his knee scope in August that legitimately
robbed him of some quickness, cutting, leverage, and footing in those first 3-4 games. But that was ages ago, and his play hasn't
shown any marked improvement in October nor November.
Against lowly Cleveland, The Porter had, according to the boxscore, 2 solos and 0 assists. This is feeble enough for any starter that
plays 99% of the snaps, but as we will see, according to the actual play-by-play posted on NFL.com, Schmoey actually had only 1 solo
and 1 assist, and on the whole, Joey was as destructive and disruptive as a ballet dancer competing in a Golden Gloves tournament.
In chrono order, here's a recap of The Big Mouth's game versus Clev:
- 3-8-CLE36 13:31 1Q - With Dilfer back in the pocket, Porter did a huuuuge WLR (wide loop rush), before getting literally shoved, face
first, into the turf at the Clev 25. Note that the LOS was the CLE 36, which means that Joey was getting the ol' face jam 11 (eleven)
yards behind the LOS. All this did, of course, was give the NFL's 2nd most bootfooted QB a giant path to scramble, which Dilfer did before
calmly dumping a pass to Bryant that netted the 1st down.
- 2 plays later, Porter was credited with "a pressure", which can be seen on the play-by-play listing at NFL.com as "Pressure by #55 Porter, coverage by #26 Townsend".
The ignorant will point to this play and proclaim, "Look, Joey had pressure and he forced an incomplete pass!!" Problem is, this play was a
designed reverse boot, off the play-action fake, in which Big Joey Porter was CHIP blocked for a split second by the TE, who then scampered
out into the pass pattern. Thus, Joey Porter fought through nothing but air on this supposed hegemonic play. Thus, it would be the height of
absurdity to heap loads of praise and adulation on Porter for this exceptionally ordinary play.
- About 5 plays later in the drive, the Browns faced a 2d & G on the Pit 5. RB Ruben Droughns took a simple HO and headed up LT -- a basic
dive play. As you can see on this video (click here), Joey Porter does NOTHING on this play but joust with the blocker. Here he is, a just a few
feet from his own goal line, and he never once tried to READ the play, or shed n' stab, the way a LB is supposed to, especially this close to the
goal line. You'll hear a litany of bullshit blather about "Joey had outside contain", which is pure, unadulterated bullshit. You'll also hear, "Joey took
on the blocker", but of course you won't hear the truthful ancillary of, "...and he took his own lame ass out of the play." Titty-jousting with a blocker
while a RB cruises right by toward the goal line is nothing more than sorry, lazy linebacking at its worst.
- On 1-10-CLE11 at 6:07 1Q, Droughns ran up LT. Porter was initially part of this scrum, but as has happened all too often this season, he wasn't
part of the tackle; in fact, he ended up getting knocked onto his ass.
- On the next play, Porter was pass blocked�..solely by the RB, not the supposed armada of 3 or 4 blockers that many claim he's facing each play. - On 2-11-CLE1, at 3:02 1Q, Droughns rumbled up the gut and then carried Chris The Dope like a donkey carrying its load. Pola came over and grabbed away, but Droughns droned on (no pun intended). With 410 pounds of player already atop The Ruben, Porter came over and put the final touches on the 9-yard gain, earning a heroic, Pro Bowl type assist.
- On the 1st play of the 2Q, Clev threw a screen pass to Droughns to their left. In one of the rare times during this game, Porter didn't rush; instead
he dropped into short coverage, which, on paper, should have thus completely foiled the screen pass. Instead, Porter played this screen like a
complete puss, taking a horrendous, addle-pated angle that was exacerbated by a feeble joust with the blocker. Droughns cruised right by, en route
to a nice 22-yard gain. This was as GilDongesque as it gets.
- 3 plays later, on 3rd & 11, Porter rushed into the middle of the line, rather than at the edge. As Dilfer stepped up in the pocket, The Mouth had an
easy-as-pie shot at the clubfooted Dilfer, but inexplicably flailed and whiffed. Dilfer scampered away for a 5-yard gain.
- On the 3d & 14 pass play that Northcutt dropped, Porter lined up at RDE, but looped to his left and rushed against the RT. He did, of course,
absolutely nothing on this play.
- On 1st & 10 at 1:36 2Q, Porter had the "big INT" off the mortar pass that Pola forced by hitting Dilfer as he threw. There were songs of praise all
around, lauding Big Joey for his "stupendous deep drop back in coverage". The truth is hilariously different than the Bunyan-like stories. On this
play, Porter dropped into coverage and settled at the Clev 29-yard line. As the LOS was the Clev 22, and Porter was already a yard off the LOS, this
represented a whopping SIX yard drop. For the uninitiated, this may sound like some Ruthian feat, but even Fat Levon Kirkland, in his fatter days of
'98 and '99, dropped much further back in coverage. As the pop-up pass lazily floated back down to earth (after about a 3-second hang time), Porter
casually backpedaled to the 34 and essentially fair caught this soft balloon for the INT. Sure, at least he didn't drop the INT, ala' Chris The Dope, but to sing songs of praise and worship over such a simpleton, piece of cake play is absolutely ludicrous.
- On Clev's 1st play of the 3Q, Porter swooped around LT LJ Shelton and sacked Dilfer for his 1st and only solo tackle of the game. Quick -- call
around the league, and nominate Big Joey for the Defensive Player of the week award because he beat LJ Shelton, once, during the game !!
- 3 plays later, as Droughns ran a plunge up the gut, Porter was totally UNBLOCKED and untouched. The Porter came down the line and had a clear,
EASY shot at Droughns, but in GilDongesque fashion, simply flopped and flailed. Ruben gained a nice 5 yards on the play.
- On 2d & 3 at 14:14 4Q, Porter was SOLO blocked by the LT and ridden high and wide. Dilfer made the unfettered completion to Edwards for a healthy 27-yard gain.
- On 4th & 10 at 11:49 4Q, Porter rushed a bit to the inside and slid by the confused LG. Dead in Porter's sights was Trent Dilfer, the 2nd slowest,
clumsiest QB in the NFL, just barely "quicker" than Tommy Slow As a Mad Ox. Instead of blasting Dilfer, Porter flopped n' flailed, which enabled Dilfer to scoot away and throw a decent pass that was nearly caught for a TD.
To summarize: Schmoey had 1 solo (not 2, as listed in the box score), and an assist on a scrum jump after Pola and Hope had jumped atop and had finally dragged down Droughns. He had 2 flailing whiffs and personally allowed a big play on a screen in which he totally pussed out, and a TD when he also pussed out. Sacks? One. Hurries created when he beat a blocker? None. Hits on the QB after beating a blocker? None. Forced turnovers? None. Hard hits? None. Stuffed running plays? None. Meaningful impact on the game? None. In fact, his biggest play, impact-wise, was to fair-catch a popped-up, floating-down-to earth pass for a cake-easy INT.
Not surprisingly, we've already heard the same quibbling babble and excuse-making that we heard for years regarding Jason GilDong. To wit:
- "�but�but Joey was back in coverage practically the whole game." No, he was not. Counting plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran, Joey rushed the QB 22 times, while he dropped in coverage only 6 times in all plays except for the very last Cleveland drive, which my f---ing Tivo box failed to record. 22 rushes compared to 6 coverage drops, which means Big Joey rushed the passer nearly 80% of the game.
- "But Joey is being ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to get to the QB." Once again, another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact. Joey performed some designed stunts, in which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG and RG with protection. There were 2 plays in which a RB specifically and persistently helped the LT block Porter. But there were a plethora of 1-on-1 attempts against Shelton, a Cardinal castoff that ranks among the more mediocre LTs in the entire league. But sure enough, we'll hear experts who will tell you how badly Joey is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every play.
"Joey has outside contain." Another popular rationalization left over from the GilDong era, which was used to justify everything from GilDong being driven by a FB into the sideline chalk, to global warming and the mating habits of the African monkey.
Hey, I like Joey Porter. In fact, Still Trivia got a Porter jersey last year, and upon every visit to his house, I've tried to swindle it or swipe it with no luck. But I don't like Porter's play right now; not at all. As my esteemed high school football coach used to say, "Action talks, bullshit walks".�and right now, The Mouth is all walk and all bullshit. Sure, it's easy to cling to good memories, but this ain't the Joey Porter that dominated the Raider game in Sept. 2002. This is a shadow of that Porter, and unless the real Porter emerges from that shadow, the Stillers will get an early jump on preparing for the 2006 season.