The 2003 Regular Season-in-Review GilDong Report

January 10, 2004 by Still Mill

2003 Reg. Season in review for Jason GilDong...

�� The 2003 Regular Season-in-Review GilDong Report�

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons I've devoted considerable time the past 3 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Big Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '03, we'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he truly is.

As faithful readers here can attest to, each week during the entire season I pored through every inch of tape to review the work of Big Jason Gildon, the fearsome OLB of the Stillers. (Each Gildong Report is available for your perusal here on the Stillers.com web site.)� This report is without peer in the world of sports reporting, as no analyst in America has studied the tape of The Paper Tiger or the Pittsburgh Stillers to the extent this analyst has.� Some so-called analysts do nothing more than look at the boxscsore the following day; this one puts in the time, the rigorous research, the football knowledge, and the elbow grease to study the game in a manner that it's supposed to be studied.�

The table below, exclusive to Stillers.com, summarizes each of Jason Gildong's sacks during 2003, as well as his productivity -- or lack thereof -- in each contest:

Sack

�#

Game

Opp.

Game Time

Down/ Dist.

Whom beat

Added Description

Result

Jar or strip

Earned/ Dong

Additional notes

# plays Rushing the QB

# plays in coverage

Balt.

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Ethan Brooks & Orlando Brown

N/A

none

----

Had 1 solo, 1 A -- not the 2 solo as stated in boxscore

@ KC

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT John Tait

N/A

none

----

2 solo, 0 A

@ Cinci

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Willie Anderson

N/A

none

----

Made 1 solo all day, and fortuitous INT

Tenn.

1:52 2Q

3d & 13

RT Fred Miller

Faced RT Fred Miller. McNair took foolish 10-yard drop, and GilDong looped around RT and ankle-grabbed the QB

Sack, -3

none

Earned

Made 3 solos and 0 A's

Clev

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Ryan Tucker

N/A

none

-----

Finished game with 2 solos (not the 3 as listed in boxscore) and 5 A, all laden with soft cheese

@ Denv

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Matt Lepsis

N/A

none

----

Finished game with 2 solos & 0 A's

St. Louis

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Kyle Turley

N/A

none

---

Finished game with 1 solo (not 2 as listed on boxscore), and 3 A

@ Seat.

1:55 2Q

1st & 10

no one

While Jason was doing the WLR, Mike Logan crashed in and had the QB.� Hasselbeck shook off Logan, then stepped backwards, and Jason got the Dong sack.�

Sack, -3

none

Dong

Finished game with 2 softee solos, 3 A's.� Faced RT C. Terry.

Arizona

14:15� 3Q

3d & 7

no one

Stunted to inside, and came in untouched.� Blake avoided A. Smith, and Jason then got softie ankle-grab of Blake for a sack

Sack, -9

none

Dong

Finished game with 5 solos & 6 A, not the 8 solos and 3 A's that was advertised in boxscore.�

Arizona

10:17 4Q

4th & 10

no one

Gild. tittyfought, then dove at scrambling Balke's feet, and finger-nipped his ankle.� 2 steps later, Blake stumbled and fell.�

Sack,�� 0 yards

none

Dong

2 Steeler defenders were ready to pounce on Blake.�

Arizona

8:36 4Q

2d & 10

no one

Jason tittyfought & did nothing.� Blake finally scrambled to his right, and ran untouched OOB.� Jason was closest and got credit for cheezy sack.

Sack, -1

none

Dong

Faced RT Anthony Clement.�

@ SF

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Scott Gragg

N/A

none

----

Jason finished with 3 softee solos and 1 A.�

@ Clev

0:05 1Q

2d & 10

no one

Faced RT Ryan Tucker.� Jason took huge WLR, and Joey Porter got to the QB a split-second sooner, yet Jason was awarded a full sack.

Sack, -11

Yes, caused by Porter, not Jason

Dong

Jason credited for sack and FF, when, at best, he should have gotten a HALF sack and no FF.� Jason was credited with 2 S's, but he had absolutely nothing to do with the 1 solo and he should have gotten an assist on the Porter sack.

Cinci

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Willie Anderson

N/A

none

----

Jason was credited with 1 S & 2 A's in boxscore, but actually had 3 feeble assists and no solos.

Oak.

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Lincoln Kennedy.��

N/A

none

----

Jason finished with 2 assists and ZERO solos; not the 2 solos as listed in the boxscore.�

@ Jets

none

N/A

No one

Faced RT Kareem McKenzie

N/A

none

---

Credited with 2 solos and 2 assists, but Jason only had 3 feeble assists and 1 solo

S.Diego

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Phil Bogle

N/A

none

---

Credited with 1 solo and 1 assist, but Jason only had 2 incredibly feeble assists and 0 (zero) solos

@ Balt

none

N/A

no one

Faced RT Orlando Brown

N/A

none

---

Credited with 7 solos and 1 assist, but actually had 5 solos and 1 assist.�

�� Totals ===�

351

175

A summary of Big Jason's sacks:

* 5 of his 6 sacks -- or 83% -- of his sacks were Dong Sacks�.

* Of his 1 Earned Sack --

�. One came when Jason looped around studly, superstar right tackle Fred Miller and got a sack while Titan QB Steve McNair took a ridiculous 10-yard 'drop' back in the pocket.�

* Of his 6 sacks --

�one came when the QB shook off Mike Logan and then stepped backwards, and Jason got the ceezy Dong Sack.�

�one came when Jason rushed inside, totally untouched, and after Aaron Smith flushed the QB, Jason got a weak, softee ankle grab of the QB.�

�one came when Jason tittyfought and did nothing, and then got a fingernail nip of the QB's ankle, and 2 steps later the QB stumbled for what amounted to a 0-yard gain.

�one came when the QB scrambled and ran, untouched, out of bounds, and since Jason happened to be the closest defender, Jason was awarded a sack.

�one came when Joey Porter actually got to the QB a split-second sooner, yet Jason was awarded a gift full-sack.�

* Jason played 7 games against teams that made the playoffs (Balt x 2, KC, Tenn, Denv, St Lou, and Seattle).� In these 7 tilts, Jason had a whopping 2 sacks, each good for a paltry 3-yard loss.�

* Conversely, Jason had 1 sack against the lowly Browns, and 3 against the 4-12 Cardinals.� This is ever-so-typical of a paper tiger like Jason The Gimcrack, who pads his stats against inept weaklings, and then is as silent as the fart from a church mouse against average and above-average competition.�

* His 6 sacks averaged a whopping 4.5 yards per loss.�

Humorous game-by-game moments/factoids:

1.� Balt:� 1st play of 2Q -- Jason ventures into the backfield and has a clear, open, unfettered shot at burying the RB.� But he stumbles onto the ground like a complete OAF.

2.� @ KC:� Not once, but twice bullied 2-yards OOB by Gonzo, who was listed as "questionable" going into the game, playing on a sprained ankle.��

3.� @ Cinci:� Had 1 solo the entire game, and that came on a designed slant in which he was untouched� and unblocked.

4.� @ Tenn:�� Had 1 solo the entire game.� As Eddie George cruises by, here's what your $6M "pro bowl" linebacker is doing -- he's flat on his back, with his ass and feet up in the air, imitating an upside-down crab. ��

5.� Clev:� Allowed 2 TDs and also turned his back to a blocker on THREE different occasions.�

6.� @ Denv:� Big Jason gets mauled by Shannon Sharpe�.and ends up sprawling back onto his ass with a spectacular backward flop in hilarious fashion�

��

7.� St Louis:� Besides doing nothing the entire game, Jason had 3 Flops n' Flails.�

8.� @ Seattle: Got a Dong Sack after Logan corralled the QB and Hasselbeck then stepped backwards out of the tackle; and then a cheesy slop tackle on a line plunge.� Other than that, Jason didn't hit a soul the entire game and had 2 Flops n' Flails.�

9.� Arizona:� Jason had 5 solos the entire game, not 8 as listed in boxscore.� They were:

�� - totally untouched, Jason pawed at Boldin as Boldin was juking Chad Scott, and Boldin carried Big Jason a good 4 yards before going OOB.

�� - totally untouched and unblocked, Jason ankle-grabbed Blake after Blake eluded Aaron Smith, for a Dong Sack.

�� - totally untouched and unblocked after the RT released, Jason stood around and waited for Shipp to plow into him.

�� - Jason got a fingernail nip of Blake's heel, and a couple steps later, Blake stumbled and fell for a Dong Sack of 0 yards.

�� - Blake ran OOB for a 1-yard loss, and Jason happened to be the closest defender for a Dong sack and yet another cheesy solo.

10.� @ San Fran: Jason got mauled wide and then shoved onto his ass (left-hand photo), and then had his face jammed into the turf (right-hand photo).

��

11.� @ Clev: On a 2nd & goal line plunge, here's the "team captain" imitating a CRAB, getting knocked onto his ass and then doing nothing by waving his feet in a feeble attempt to trip up the running back�

��

12.� Cinci:� Here's the big-time, he-man on the 51-yard TD strike to Washington�.

��

�and then here's the Big Bullrusher on the game-winning TD to Schoebel�

��

13.� Oak:� Finished the game with 2 piddly assists and ZERO solos.��

14.� @ Jets:� Here's Jason trying to stop a running play, while stooped down on all fours like a homosexual catcher�.

��

And here's Jason getting totally bamboozled on a bootleg, in which Jason is still running the WRONG way well after the QB has begun his bootleg�

��

15.� San Diego:� Jason had a cake-easy opportunity to sack ancient QB Doug SkinFlutie, but instead Flops n' Flails in hilarious fashion�

��

16:� @ Balt:� Here's what Big Jason was doing while Jamaal Lewis was dashing for 19 yards.�� (Hint: that's Big Jason getting buried into the turf of M&T Bank Stadium)�

��

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Bear in mind, of course, that LINEBACKER is also more than collecting slop sacks. Linebackers are SUPPOSED to offer run support, which Jason feebly & infrequently did all year long. I lost track of the number of times Big Jason got totally duped on bootlegs and reverses. Moreover, Jason continually gave up gobs of yardage off-tackle and around end all season long. The way teams continually ran by Big Jason in 2003 was downright shameful and sickening. But hey -- the NFL doesn't keep track of "getting whipped off the snap", or "getting bullied and manhandled by a FB or TE", or "flailing and whiffing at a ballcarrier", or "number of times bamboozled by a bootleg or reverse". The NFL keeps track of sacks, and Big Jason -- who benefits from playing opposite Joey Porter; who benefits from playing against lethargic cupcakes like Clev and Arizona, and who benefits from being on the field for 99% of all snaps, manages to collect enough slop sacks to impress a few simpletons out there.�

We keep track of pertinent stats here at Stillers.com.� In fact, we expanded our "Dong stats" last season.� In addition to the ever popular, Generally Accepted Dong Principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:

- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�

- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.

- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�

Here are the regular season totals for Jason, in 16 games:

Earned Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�: 5 �
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1/2 (one-half)
INTs caused: 0
INTs made: 1
Flailing Whiffs: 22
First downs allowed: 34
TDs allowed:� 5

Just look at these stats, folks.� 22 flailing whiffs from the "defensive captain" who is playing in his 9th season and is raking in $23M.� 34 first downs allowed, which is an embarrassing number for any defender, much less the "team captain" and one of the highest paid defenders on the team.� 5 TDs allowed, which is grossly unacceptable.� But hey, "Jason had 6 sacks".� INT caused -- zero, just like Jason's value to the team.�

Speaking of Big Jason's sacks, look at the numbers.� His 6 sacks produced a cumulative total of 27 yards.� On average, then, each of Big Jason's big sacks produced a whopping loss of 4.5 yards to Stiller opponents -- less than that of a false start penalty or a running back dropped for a loss.� The sack is the absolute most meaningless statistic in all of pro sports, and when applied under the microscope in respect to Jason GilDong, that truth has never been more clearly evident.�

And note that, despite the never-ending cries from both Jason and the Pittsburgh media about, "always dropping into coverage", and "dropping into coverage as much as he rushed", you'll notice that Jason finished the season with 351 rushes versus 175 "drop-backs into coverage."�� 351 to 175 -- exactly double -- yet we're still continually fed the bald-faced babble about how Poor Jason was deprived of his rabid sack-monging because he toiled back in pass defense at such an excessive rate rather than rushing the QB.� Never in the history of sports has such a lame-assed, no brained excuse been bandied about by so many -- and foolishly believed by so many -- yet has been so grossly inaccurate and feeble.��

Then there's Big Jason's value to the team.� Despite playing no less than 99.8% of all the snaps on this defense in '03, according to the stats on NFL.com, Big Jason finished 8th (eighth) on the team in solo tackles.� Remember, there are 11 starters on defense, and Big Jason -- who never missed time to injury (you can't get injured when you avoid contact) finished 8th on his team's defense.� PUH-THETIC.� Sure enough, we'll hear the same old saw that we've heard for years now -- "The Steeler defense isn't designed for the OLB to be that active�.all the plays are funneled into the middle."� Oh, sure.� That really explains how the team's other outside LB, a guy named Joey Porter, had 8 more solo tackles despite missing 2 games with a gunshot wound.�

2003 was also the Continued Year of the Grande' Excuse for Jason GilDong.� Never before has a player's overly piss-poor play been covered up with some many weak, no-brained, un-factual excuses, as was Jason GilDong's in 2003.� The first part of the season, the #1 lame-assed excuse was, "Jason is back in coverage all the time".� We here at Stillers.com easily dispelled that load of bull.� Then came, "Jason is being gang-blocked by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on every play."� Again, we made a mockery of that fairy tale.� Then it was "the scheme"�it was all Timmy Lewis' fault that all the other LBs were hitting and making plays, while Jason was AVOIDING contact and pussing out.� Then there's the new excuse-de-jour for Jason GilDong -- "Jason needs to get back to the bull rush."�� Bullrush??� As you fans can attest to, it looked (and smelled) more like bullshit.

2003 also saw the continued proliferation of new nicknames for Jason GilDong.�� In random order, his long list of current monikers includes:

The Paper Tiger
Joggin' Jason��
The Kong of Dong�
The Flopper
The Princess of Cheeze�
The $23M Fraud
The Gilded Dong
Mister Cheeze (taken from Lynrd Skynrd's Mr. Breeze)
Jason The Gimcrack�
Roadkill Gildon
The Duckfooted Boy Blunder
The Floppy Dong
The 6 Million Dollar Dong�
The Bullshitting Bullrusher
The Bully of Bullrushing

Stay tuned. Even if the Stillers foolishly keep this underachieving cap-hog next season, we here at Stillers.com will compile The GilDong Report 2-3 days after each game. After all, the great fans of the Steelers deserve to know the real truth behind the team's biggest fraud, The 6 Million Dollar Dong, Jason GilDong.�

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(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)

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