Revisit of the Deck of Playing Cards

 

Longtime readers here will recall the infamous deck of playing cards released by Stillers.com.��

 

Aside from their historic and humor value, the real value was as stated in that article's opening paragraph: "Simply put, these cards show the true enemies -- either thru outrageous cap hit, poor play, incompetence, or a combination thereof -- who literally stand in the way of what could otherwise be a championship season."

 

Fans have bandied about many a theory as to why the Stillers are 5-1 and riding high atop the AFC North.� Obviously, the remarkable play of rookie QB Ben Roth has quite a bit to do with the gaudy start.� Having said that, there's much more to the improvement of the 2004 Stillers, and most of it came as addition by subtraction.

 

Consider the members of the deck of cards:

 

 

Mark Bruener - The guy was widely heralded as the Almighty God of TE blocking, and, as a consequence, the claim was asserted by Breuner fans and the local Pittsburgh media that, without Bruener, the entire running game would crumble into a miserable pulp. Funny thing happened -- the Stillers finally cut this over-rated, overpaid sack o' dung, and voila, the ground game is the strongest it's been in years.�

 

 

Jerome Bettis - This relates to the cut of Bruener.� Fatboy Bettis has been well past his prime for over 3 years, and finally his fat bottom has been planted on the bench.� In his place?� Duce Staley, who has been superb, and frankly, hasn't nearly been exploited to his maximum potential, be it in the passing game; or with more workload; or around the goal line.� Meanwhile, The Plunger has been just good enough this season to average a whopping 62 inches per carry.� Equally hilarious is the poppycock about what a "sure fire Hall of Famer" the Tubby Tailback supposedly is.� Newsflash to the blind and ignorant: Curtis Martin will pass Fat Jerome next week on MNF.� It will be Martin, not The Doughboy, that gets fitted for the gold jacket at Canton, as will Emmitt Smith.�

 

 

Burnt Alexander - Sure, a no-brainer of a cut, but someone with no brains insisted on not only clogging the roster with this sack o' dung the past 3 years, but also STARTING this sorry sack o' dung the past 3 seasons.� Troy Pola has made more plays in any 3 games this season, than Burnt made the past 3 seasons COMBINED, to include the '01 and '02 playoffs.� Ditto for Chris Hope, who rotted the past 2 seasons before finally being allowed onto the field.� Alexander is the poster child for Billy Cowher's fetish with clinging to over-the-hill, do-nothing vets instead of talented, skillful, capable youngsters.��

 

 

Tiny Tim Lewis - The architect of The Softee Defense, Tiny Tim never saw a softee scheme that he did not like.� Farrior's big forced fumble by Vinnie last week?�� Under Tiny Tim, that would have been a softee, vanilla 3 or 4-man rush, in which Vinnie would have been given enough time to peruse the Wall Street Jounrla, sip a spot of tea, and eat some crumpets before finally deciding to throw the ball.�� As I said in the deck of cards article, "Look around the entire NFL, and you'll have a hard time finding a more overrated -- and more worthless -- defensive coordinator as Tiny Tim Lewis."�

 

 

Slosh Miller - Josh was grossly overrated in his days as a Stiller, yet ate up hugs amounts of the salary cap.� It wasn't just his inconsistent punting that sucked.� Worse, it was his penchant for ensuring the legitimacy of the commissioner's signature before he put his foot into the ball, which took an absurd amount of time and led to several blocks and partial-blocks over his career.� Chris Gardocki isn't anything great, but at least the man is so quick to get off a punt that the only way he'll ever suffer a blocked punt is if he's got to first retrieve a poor snap.�

 

 

Jason GilDong - Among all players noted, none was more deserving of inclusion in this card deck than Jason GilDong.� Never has a Stiller player consumed such a humongous part of the salary cap, yet played like a complete faggott, as has Jason GilDong.� From tittyfighting with opposing blockers, to turning his back on opposing blockers, to jogging and loafing play in and play out, no player was more of an embarrassment to the Black n' Gold than Jason The Gimcrack.� It's entirely appropriate that Jason appears on the Queen of Hearts, because if there ever was a Queen B on an NFL defense, it's Jason "The Flopper" GilDong.� The Stillers are now getting tough, inspired play and hustle from Clark Haggans, who'd been forced to sit and rot behind Big Jason the past 4 seasons.� And now that Jason's gone, the Stillers have a real captain leading this defense in the name of James Farrior.� As I'd noted in the original article, "Winning an NFL title is difficult.� Winning an NFL title when your defensive captain (GilDong) is a total puss, is virtually impossible."����

 

 

Billy Cowher - Last, but certainly not least, is the truly worst enemy that blocks the Stillers path to glory, which is why this person was deemed worthy of occupying the Ace of Spades.� I have no need to change the original article's verbiage, as follows:� Billy has been to the playoffs 8 times, and in every single playoff season his team has been flat, lethargic, sloppy, and grossly outcoached.� When it comes to playoff football, no one gets LESS out of his team, year in and year out, than Billy Cowher.� Sure enough, Billy makes an enormous amount of money -- on par with Super Bowl-winning coaches -- despite never having won it all.� And, sure enough, Billy Cowher has had more chances than a 5-year old at H-O-R-S-E, yet many Stiller fans actually want to give this LOSER more and more and more chances.�� Cowher is not unlike the drug abuser or criminal with a 10-year history of horrific depravation, in which the liberal imbecile will clamor, "Just give him one more chance", as though Brainless Billy will suddenly emerge from his funk and arrive at a playoff game with a well-coached, well-prepared team.� Like the perennial drug abuser and criminal, Billy has no real hope of "turning his life around".� Most fans forget that Billy blackmailed Rooney by threatening to leave for a Cleveland franchise that had not yet even been finalized back in March 1998.� It turns out that Billy would have done the fans and city of Pittsburgh an immense favor had he fled.� The only hope for society -- and Stiller fans -- is that Cowher is fired and never permitted to influence anything having to do with Stiller football for as long as he lives.� Otherwise, all that Billy Cowher serves as is the primary roadblock for this team to win a Super Bowl.� Winning an NFL title is difficult.� Winning an NFL title when your head coach is a choker and a complete buffoon is virtually impossible.� The road to perdition start -- and ends -- with Billy Cowher.�

 

Fortunately, all of the players from the deck of cards are finally gone (or, in the case of Bettis, riding the pine most of the game), as is Tiny Tim Lewis.� The lone person left remaining is Bilbo Cowher.� The question, then, is this: Can the Stillers overcome Billy Cowher and win a title?�� We'll know in about 12 weeks.�

 

 

(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)