The GilDong Report (Game #14, vs. Carolina)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally
forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new
statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some
fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take time to expose The
Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Jason GilDong had a big paper game versus the lowly
Panthers, garnering 3 solos and 2 assists, which included 2-1/2 sacks.� There was some half adequacy, but, as you
will see, it wasn't anywhere near a dominating, all-around effort the way The
GilDongites will inevitably make it sound.�
In fact, the GilDong Apologists Assocation -- of which the entire
Pittsburgh media is a card carrying member -- took this game and ran amuck with
it, spinning new excuses for Big Jason.�
"We made up a video tape of his rushes
from last year and the sacks," defensive coordinator Tim Lewis said.
"We gave him the tape and let him study it and come back to us. He felt
like he was bull-rushing more last year."�
Per the media article, "When Gildon was at his best in recent
seasons, he used his strength to push back the blocker and then confuse him
with a quick move to the outside."��
"When he got the guy to settle down and brace for the big
bull rush, that's when he beat him with speed," Lewis said. He's gone back
to using the bull-rush more. That's one of the comments he made to me, 'I have
to set things up with my bull-rush.' I said, 'I agree. Let's do it.'
"�� As you will see, Jason was
bullshitting, not bullrushing.�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers
that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows
something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus lowly Carolina:
- On 3d & 7 on the 1st
series, Peete faded back to pass.�
Jason, as can be seen below, did an enormously wide WLR, taking himself
way out of the play.�
��� 
Yes, Jason is really
setting this blocker up with the big bull rush., as you can see
below.� Gee, that is a brutal bullrush,
folks!�
- On 3d & 7 in the next
series, Peete faded back to pass.� As
you can see in the pics below ��
��� 
the
LEFT guard -- yep, the left guard -- pulls over the solo block
Big Jason.�� Jason doesn�t bullrush
anything.� Instead, he cleverly dances
his way around the LG, Jamar Nesbit, who never got a single finger on GilDong.� The Gimcrack ends up getting�
��� 
�a
cheesy half sack -- Dong style -- after Clark Haggans did the lion's
share of the work.� But, hey -- what a
big bull rush!!�
��� 
- On 4th & 13 at 5:50
1Q, Peete faded back to pass.� He looked
and he looked and he looked and he looked.�
In the meantime, Jason initially rushed at the RT, and then looped toward
the inside of the interior line�.�
��� 
�Jason then found a large
hole and wandered through it totally untouched and unfettered��
�� 
�Peete waits forever for a
WR to get open.� Finally, Jason comes
untouched up the gut and gets the easy Dong Sack.� Gee, that's some bullrush.�
�� 
����
-� On 2d & 6 at the Pit 6, at 2:47 1Q, Peete faded back to pass,
while Jason dropped into that short little worthless zone that rarely does
anything of value.� Peete, finding no
one open, then scrambled to his right.�
This is where Jason -- as the supposed "pro bowler" who was
covering nobody and doing nothing -- could have done
something.� Instead, as is his penchant,
Jason got caught flatfooted in no-man's land.�
Jason was not only not covering anyone, but he failed to harass,
disrupt, or hurry Peete, nor did Jason place himself into a position where he
could bat a pass in the passing lane.�
Peete completed the easy toss past the flatfooted GilDong for the easy
TD.�
- On successive plays at
11:34 and 11:05 of the 2Q, Weinke was sacked.�
Funny thing on these sacks -- on both plays, Big Jason was solo
blocked, despite the rampant cries of the GilDongites that "Jason is
getting ganged up on every play by multiple blockers."� Sacks by every other Steeler defender are
almost always attributed to, "Well, then only reason so-and-so got the
sack, was because Big Jason Gildon was occupying 3 blockers."� The media feeds this tripe on a daily basis,
and sadly enough, thousands of blind fans nod their heads in agreement.� "Yup, Kendrell Bell would be a nobody
if it warn't for Jason Gildon."��
- On 1st & 10 at 3:28
2Q, Weinke completed a quick 1-step hitch to Muhammed.� Chad Scott came up and made the crisp
initial hit and wrap.� Big Jason ambled
over and jumped on Muhammad from behind, for the thoroughly cheesy dong
assist.�
- On 2d & 8 at 1:24 2Q,
Jason was credited by NFL.com as getting a pressure on the QB.� What happened, of course, was that Jason was
left all alone against the Panthers backup TE, Kris Mangum, a 7th
round pick in '97.� Big Jason slipped by
Mangum the Behemoth, and applied some light pressure as Weinke released the
pass.�
- On Carolina's first play
from scrimmage in the 2d half, Pete turned to give the ball to RB Dee Brown on
a handoff in the backfield (below).� As
you can see, Big Jason GilDong is totally untouched and unblocked and is
venturing into the backfield for a freebie shot at the RB�
������
We
weren't provided enough photos by our media arts department to do this play
justice, but Jason literally tip-toed as he got close to the back.� Instead of heading toward the back like a
steaming locomotive -- the way Kendrell Bell, Joey Porter, and even James
Farrior do -- Jason did his typical tip toe and SHY-from-contact ploy� 
�
�Instead
of devastating Brown with a big hit behind the LOS, Jason is left spectating
-- his favorite sport, of course -- and Brown scampers away for a nice 5-yard
gainer.
���
- On 2d & 10 at the Car
23, at 6:39 3Q, a fairly neglected Jason was able to knife in and get some
pressure on the QB.�
- On 2d & 5 at the Car
31, at 2:15 3Q, Pete completed a short out to Mushin.� Jason was back in his little piss-ant zone, which, as he has
proven the entire season, is about as useful as suntan lotion in Siberia.� Jason (below) missed busting up the pass,
and as you can see, is stumbling and bumbling after the WR�
�
�Jason
then performs his patented Flop & Flail, a real crowd pleaser,
especially for the younger Stiller fans�.
�Jason
then assumes a position he's all too familiar with on the gridiron -- sitting
on his ass, doing nothing, while his teammates make the stop..
�Undaunted
and never too embarrassed to try a stack jump, Jason (below) then kneels onto
the fallen players in hopes of garnering a cheesy dong assist�.
Surprisingly, the Heinz
Field statistician -- who obviously is related to, or perhaps actually is,
Jason's boyfriend, didn't give Jason a dong assist.�
- Apparently brimming with
enjoyment over the Flop & Flail, Jason decided to repeat it the very next
play.� Brown took a HO up RG, while
Jason is once again left along and virtually untouched �
��
�Jason
seemingly has Brown -- one of the most mediocre RBs in the entire NFL -- in his
grasp for the easy tackle�.
�but
as is his nature, Jason flop and flails, ending up on the ground with his dick
in the dirt and holding nothing but air�
�
�Brown stumbled and
fortunately stopped himself for a 12-yard gain, while (below) the big he-man,
Jason GilDong, assumed his oft-favorite position of squatting down on all 4's
in the middle of the gridiron.� Don�t laugh,
though�for this he-man, rousing effort, Big Jason was awarded a solo
tackle.�
- 4 plays later (14:25 4Q),
Brown took a handoff up RG from the Pit 4-yard line.� Jason was lightly blocked by the TE, and
then immediately flopped to the turf from the TE shove and assumed his favorite
squatting position on all 4's.� While
Brown all but scored on this play, Jason was squatting on the turf like a pumperboy.� (Not to mention any names, but thanks to a
certain staff member named Triv J , we do not have this hilarious
photo to show you.)
- At 7:11 4Q, Hampton
sacked Peete.� Despite what the GilDong
spin machine will try to tell you, Jason was solo blocked�by the LEFT
guard, no less.� Pittsburgh media
members will try to claim that the numerous blockers that were assigned to
block Big Jason was the reason for Casey's rare sack, but Jason was blocked by
one, and only one, man.�
- 2 plays later, at 5:48
4Q, on the obvious passing down of 3d & 22, Peete faded back to pass.� As is plainly obvious below, Jason is SOLO
blocked by the pulling LG (#63, Nesbit) on a molly block�
�Jason
loops waaay around the horn of Africa, while Peete has visibly pumped the ball
once�.
�� 
�Peete waits forever for a
WR to get open.� Finally, Jason complete
the elongated fishhook loop rush allll the way around and gets the easy coverage
sack, which the NFL formally categorizes as a Dong Sack.� ��Jason also got a strip of Peete, which A. Smith recovered.� Like Tim Lewis said, Jason is doing his bullrush.�
�� 
Here's
a back-angle view of the play, which clearly shows Jason being SOLO blocked,
and then doing the elongated WLR
�� 
�� 
Funny,
I thought Tiny Tim Lewis was crowing about Big Jason's "bullrush"
??�� This is what Tiny Tim and Jason
GilDong categorize as a "bullrush"�?�
Looping around the horn of Africa against a pissboy LEFT guard like
Jamar Nesbit�.?�� Gee, seeing such a
brutal bulrush like this, it makes me forget all about Reggie White�Bruce
Smith�and Warren Sapp.
To summarize:�
Jason had 3 solos -- 2 on Dong sacks, and a third on an easy tackle attempt
in which Jason flopped and flailed and only the stumble of RB allowing the
"stop" to occur on the play.�
The assists were both laden with cheese -- a half-Dong sack, along with
a stack jump on a play that Scott made.�
It's no coincidence, of course, that perhaps Jason's best game of the
season came against the 2nd worst offense in the NFL.� Yep, the 31st ranked Panther offense, with little skill,
little talent, and much ineptitude, and Jason manages to have -- at least on
paper -- an adequate game. �This
followed last week's game against lowly Houston, in which Jason was able to
feast a few times against the 32nd (ie, THE WORST) offense in the NFL.� Suddenly, because Jason got a few dong stats
against the two very worst offenses in pro football, the Pittsburgh media is
proclaiming, "Jason has snapped out of his slump".��
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but
Jason was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays in which the QB
ran, Jason rushed the QB 31 times, while dropping back in coverage 7
times.� And as we saw, on numerous
occasion, Carolina chose to solo block Jason by using their LEFT guard
-- a tactic never used back when Kevin Greene, Greg Lloyd, or Chad Brown
were roaming the OLB spots.�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� And you've been
presented photos that show Jason clearly being single blocked.� But sure enough, we'll hear experts like Ron
Cook and members of the GAA, who will tell you how badly Jason is being picked
on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every play.� Rest assured, not on of those
"experts" will step up and state that Jason was being blocked by a
LEFT guard on pass plays.�
And now, a new excuse has
been invented by the Pittsburgh media.�
The first part of the season, the #1 lame-assed excuse was, "Jason
is back in coverage all the time".�
We here at Stillers.com easily dispelled that load of bull.� Then came, "Jason is being gang-blocked
by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on every play."�
Again, we made a mockery of that fairy tale.� Then it was "the scheme"�it was all Timmy Lewis' fault
that all the other LBs were hitting and making plays, while Jason was AVOIDING
contact and pussing out.� Now, the new
excuse-de-jour for Jason GilDong is, "Jason needs to get back to the bull
rush."�� Not one of Jason's 2-1/2
sacks had anything to do with this so-called bulrush.� Bullrush??�
Looks (and smells) more like bullshit to me.
Of course, there's always
someone in the local media willing to sing GilDong's praises, no matter how
sorry and overpaid The Dong is.� Wrote
Ron Cook in the PG on Monday: "That's why it was so encouraging
to see what Jason Gildon did yesterday. He's a Steelers defensive captain and
their most indispensable defensive player. Unjustly dogged much of the season
as a big-money bust, he took it upon himself to make sure the Carolina offense
had no chance. "� Yes, sure.�
Jason is the team's most indispensable player.� He was so indispensable that he was thoroughly invisible
for the first 12 games of the season -- and "unjustly dogged",
according to Ron Cook -- and only by virtue of facing creampuffs in the two
worst offenses in the NFL has Jason GilDong become remotely visible.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and
compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 14 games:
Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks�: 6�
Bullshit "sacks" (included in Dong sack total) on plays that actually
netted positive rushing yardage:� 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 2
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 21
First downs allowed: 30
TDs allowed:� 5
