The GilDong Report (Game #4, @ New Orleans)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally
forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new
statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some
fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take time to expose The
Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Jason
had yet another softee game in which he did little more than stand around
groping and pawing at opposing players, and avoiding contact at every
opportunity.� Jason, supposedly the team
captain, finished the game a whopping total of 3 solos and no assists.�
{Speaking of stats, we've
expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise
dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something about
technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus New Orleans:
- On a 3rd & 2 on the
Pit 36 on the Saints' first drive, the Saints ran a direct snap to Duece, while
QB A. Brooke faked as though he had to retrieve a bad snap.� As is almost always the case, Jason bought
the fake -- hook, line, and sinker -- and was badly fooled.� But he still had a chance to contribute on
the stop, but he was impeded by one man -- the big, rugged, bruising blocker by
the name of Joe Horn.�� Yes, little Joe
Horn -- all 6 feet, 205 pounds -- sealed in Jason as easily as shutting a
Tupperware container, and Deuce easily cruised for 6 yards and a first down. ��**** this is as craven a linebacking play as
you will EVER see in the National Football League.�
- On a 1st & 10 from
their own 33 on their 2nd possession, N.O. pitched the ball to Deuce on a
designed run toward RG.� Gildon -- the
big, he-man "pro bowl LB" -- was literally BURIED on this play by RT
Spencer Folau.� Not only was Jason
buried, but he was buried after giving no fight or opposition at all.�� Deuce ambled by for a nice 4-yard
gain.�
- On the next play, third-string
TE Lamont Hall was sent in motion to the right.� At the snap, Hall made an easy maul block on Jason the Gimcrack,
who was all too obliging in accepting this block.� You'd almost swear, by watching this play,
that Jason was getting paid to liteally accept this block, because the NFL's
biggest block acceptor does absolutely NOTHING to rebut, knife through, or disengage
from this block.� NOTHING.�� Deuce sauntered by for an easy 5 yards, and
Billy Cowshit laments "the two big plays", as if there weren't a host
of other plays in which New Orleans gained easy yardage against this defense's
weakest link, Jason GilDong.
- On the very next play,
Brooks took the snap and rolled a bit to his right.� Jason looped, as usual, and then, because of the rollout, had a
pretty easy angle towards the QB.� The
duckfooted Gildon started to plod his way to Brooks, but when Brooks did a simple
little pump-fake, Jason screeched on the brakes as though he were in fear of
running over a small toddler.� Instead
of reading the QB and then following through by smashing into him, Jason's
brake-job allowed Brooks to hit Duece for a 1-yard pass, which turned into a
16-yard gainer from the RAC.� Yet
another 1st down allowed by the Queen of Cheeze, Jason GilDong.
- 2 plays later, on a 2d
&10, the Saints ran a toss sweep to their right.� Jason was initially blocked by the big bruiser, Little Joe
Horn.� Jason wasn't very fond of this, so
like a complete pussy, Jason literally turned his back on Horn, and tried to
stumble away.� Then Jason greeted
pulling guard LeCharles Bentley, who returned the greeting by PANCAKING The
Gimcrack to the turf.� To summarize,
Jason turned his back on the blocking of a 200-pound wide receiver, and then
was PANCAKED by a guard.� And, oh by the
way, Deuce sauntered by for an easy 11 yards.�
- On a 2d & 2 at the
Pit 32, at 13:05 of the 2Q, Brooks tried to hit Horn on a short pass, but the
ball was slightly behind Horn.� Horn
dropped the ball, and then Jason jarred into Horn.� Jason the Gimcrack had nothing to do with defending this pass or
causing the drop.
- On the next play, on a 3d
&2, the Saints were content to send Horn on a shorty slant-curl, with Jason
in coverage.� Horn easily caught the
ball for the 1st down yardage, and Jason got a cake-easy solo stop.�
- On a 3d & 10 at the
Pit 27-1/2 at 11:31 2Q, QB A. Brooks stood in the shotgun, and upon receiving
the snap, took a good 4 steps back.�
Meanwhile, Jason did a Wide Loop Rush (WLR) around RT Spencer Folau.� Jason grabbed at Brooks and finally dragged
him down for a 3-yard loss and a sack.� Despite
what might look like an earned sack on this play, it's actually a Dong
Sack.� Why?� Brooks, the young QB, took a foolish drop, which took him all the
way back past the 36-yard line.� This
is an 8-1/2 yard drop -- unheard of in the National Football League. �It doesn't exist anywhere in any
playbook.� Why?� Because, just like where punters and
placekickers do their chores, the geometry of the angles dictates that a QB
remain within a 7-step drop of the LOS.�
All Jason did, was blindly perform his WLR, and with Brooks so deep (9
yards back from the LOS), Jason was able to stumble his way into a cheesy sack.� Let's also, while we're at it, elaborate on
this right tackle, Spencer Folau.�
This stumblebum was an undrafted free agent, and has bounced around the NFL
in Baltimore and Miami.� On a scale of
1-10 among starting tackles in the NFL, Ol' Spence is at about a 2.�� Like Roger Chanoine of Cleveland, whom
Jason collected a host of garbage stats against, Folau is another weakling
gimpmunk who has no ability, no talent, and no skills.� And, to put this whopping 3-yard loss in perspective,
a couple weeks ago Mark Bruener snared a pass, and got his two feet barely
in-bounds, thus resulting in a catch that culminated in a 2-yard loss.� After this supposedly God like sack by
GilDong, John Carney easily booted a 48-yard FG.
- Early in the 3Q, Deuce
dashed untouched 52 yards for the big TD.�
What did Big Jason, the defensive captain, do on this play?� As usual, Jason the Gimcrack did jack
shit.� He shot upfield in a rabid hurry
on a WLR, even though Brooks clearly gave the ball to Deuce and there was zero
pass threat.� Deuce actually hit a huge
hole inside of LDE A. Smith, so Jason cannot be blamed for this hole.� However, it would be nice to see an
experienced 9-year veteran actually read, sniff, and then help out on
a fucking running play in his neighborhood, instead of blindly and feebly rushing
upfield and providing NOTHING.��
- On a 1st & 10 at the
N.O. 46, at 5:14 3Q, Deuce ran wide left and rumbled for a big gainer.� Near the end of the run, Brent Alex and Big Jason,
had Deuce dead to rights near the sideline.�
In a fit of hilarity, Big Jason -- supposedly the brawling LB and team
captain -- feebly slowed down, so that Brent could take on Deuce all by
himself.� Brent missed, and then Jason --
as is his wont -- picked up the trash with an easy push OOB for a solo
stop.� The good LBs run over
their own players to get a shot at an opposing ballcarrier.� The pussy LBs -- like Jason GilDong --
stutter and shy away, in hopes that a smallish FS will make the solo and thus
spare the LB from making contact.� Unlike
what imbeciles like Ron Cook claim, fellow teammates do not look up to such
craven play�rather, they disdain it with such repulsion that is makes them want
to vomit.�
- 2 plays later, Brooks ran
a rollout to his right.� Jason the Pussy
merely pawed and pussed at his solo blocker, and Brooks had an easy time
completing a 21-yard pass to Horn.�
- 2 plays later, Deuce ran
a basic plunge up RG.� The LG, Kendyl
Jacox, pulled to his right, and when he met the big bad brawling pro bowler,
literally lifted the Gilded Dong off his feet with a bruising block.� Be sure to watch this play on tape, Stiller
fans.� It's sickening, but
hilarious.�
- At 12:14 of the 4Q, TE D.
Sloan broke from the LOS and engaged in a tittyfight battle with Jason.� Brooks then attempted a short, worthless,
2-yard curl to Slaon, which Jason's tittyfighting and pawing helped break
up.� Jason got credit from the NFL for a
"pass defensed", but make note: this was as cheesy a "PD"
as one can have in the NFL.�
- On a 3rd & 14 at
12:09 of the 4Q, the Aints tried the same trick play, with a direct snap to
Deuce.� Jason was again solo-blocked by
Little Joe Horn (the Saints rrrreally feared Big Jason, eh ??), and slipped by
the smallish WR.� Jason had Deuce in the
backfield, but in true GilDong form, Jason performed a flawless version of the Flop
n' Flail, and whiffed miserably on The Deuce.� Bailey made the silo stop, with Jason trying to jump in for a
Dong Assist, which was followed by Jason prancing and woofing as though he'd
made the stop.�� How pathetic�.but when
you're the supposed d-side captain in the first year of a $323M contract, I
suppose one must stoop to whatever level necessary to make one's sorry ass look
good.
- On a 1st & 10 on the
N.O. 46 at 9:00 4Q, Deuce ran a toss sweep to his right.� Jason was literally and thoroughly mauled to
the inside, and in a French-like move of surrender, Jason the Gimcrack meekly knelt
on the turf, while Deuce jogged by for an easy 5-yard gain.�
- On the 1st play after the
Maddox INT, Deuce ran the ball up RT.� In
the ensuing scrum, the totally disinterested Gilded Dong simply shied from
contact, and then turned his back and waddled away from the scrum.�
To review Big Jason's day,
he had 3 solos:
1.� An easy stop on a short 5-yard curl to Horn
on a 3rd & 2.
2.� A Dong Sack in which the QB dropped far too
deep, and Jason looped around a career scrubeenie for the 3-yard loss.
3.� A long run on the other side of the field culminates
when Jason backs off and allows a FS to attempt the tackle, and only after the
FS misses does the brawling LB meekly push the RB out of bounds after an
18-yard gain.
That's it.� Pass rush?�
Once again�.fuh-get-about-it.� Aside
from the Dong Sack, Jason didn't sniff or harass Brooks the entire
day.� As I often harp on, it's not the
sacks that I worry about, because the sack is the single most over-rated, most
meaningless stat in all of the 4 major professional sports.� What I want from a pass rusher is harassment
�.disruption�.punishing hits on the QB.�
Jason gave us NONE of this on Sunday.��
All he did the entire game was play pattycake and tittyfight.�� That's it�nothing more.�
Right about now, there will
be more carping and crying from the GilDongites (In Dong We Trust is
their motto) about "(sniff)�.but Gildon was in pass coverage all
day�(sob).. how could he rush the passer?"�� Big Jason GilDong was in coverage on 12 passes and rushed the
passer on 9.� Furthermore, Jason served
as a spy on 3 pass plays, in which Jason could have provided heat if he'd
somehow gotten the initiative to do so�.and a burning corncob shoved up his
ass.�
For the outrageously fatty
sum of $23.5M, for the fourth consecutive week Jason accomplished jack
shit in an entire day of football ...no pressures, no flushes, no harassment,
no hits as the pass is released, no shedding of blockers on running plays�no
nothing.� On the other hand, if GilDong
were paid according to the amount of barf-inducing plays that are befitting of
female power-puff football, Jason would be looking at earnings far exceeding
any clever insider deal by Martha Stewart.�
On a related note, what's the difference between Martha Stewart and
Jason GilDong?� Answer: They both stole
money, and they're both feminine in their approach�but unlike The Flopper,
Martha doesn't get bullied, bulldozed, and whipped like a red-headed
stepchild.� And Martha doesn't like to
spend an entire afternoon playfully slapping at someone else's tits.�
Real linebackers do more
than tittyfight an entire game.�� Real
All Pro players do more than tittyfight and play pattycakes for 60 minutes of
football.� Real leaders and pro bowlers
go out and seize the initiative and MAKE PLAYS, not stand around slapping the
tits of an opposing blocker.� The real
shame is that Jason GilDong isn't playing much worse than he has in previous
seasons.� Jason has always been a pussy
of a linebacker.� Shamefully, the fans
have given Jason a free pass and lots of idolatry, merely because he recorded
the occasional Dong Sack.� Jason got his
Dong Sack versus the Saints, but overall did nothing, and amusingly
enough, fans are starting to see through the fa�ade and are seeing what a pathetic
paper tiger their tittyfighting "defensive leader" actually is.
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 4 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 5
First downs allowed:� 10
TDs allowed:� 1
