�The GilDong Report (Game #15, @
Tampa)� 
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
The national TV audience got to see a player who has loads
of press clippings and ballyhoo, yet produces little or nothing�and that
player's name is Jason GilDong.� Jason
GilDong had yet another meek, mild-mannered game on prime time TV, finishing
with 3 solos, 0 assists, a whole lot of flopping, and no positive impact
whatsoever.���
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong
Sack, we're added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the
accurate tracking of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually
knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Tampa:
- On King's 2nd pass, Chad
Scott broke on the hesitation and snared the INT, and raced to the EZ for the
score.� On the play, Big Jason was in
coverage, dropping into that worthless little zone that Jason drops into on
almost every time that he is in coverage.�
There was no other receiver in the area, except the intended receiver,
Keyshawn, who'd done that short out.�
King telegraphed the pass, and blatantly hesitated with a sort of pump
and re-cock, yet Jason was no closer to breaking up that pass than the popcorn
vendor on the 4th level.� What's amusing
is that, had Jason not been so duckfootedly slow, clumsy, and oafish back in
coverage, he would have gotten a paw on that pass and tipped or disrupted its
flight.� To be sure, Jason wouldn't have
ever INT'd the ball -- he has one career INT, on a fair-caught catch
last season after Bell/Porter hammered the QB and caused a wounded quail.� Watching Jason drop into that little
piss-ant, worthless zone, one has to wonder what the purpose is, when you have
the team's worst open-field tackler and worst coverage 'backer standing in a
piss-ant zone with his thumb up his southern orifice.� ��
- 1-10-TB39
(4:15 1Q) Alstott ran a sweep wide to his right.� At the snap, Big Jason, the he-man team captain, is engaged by
one, and only one, blocker, the TE, Ken Dilger.� All Dilger does is proceed to maul Jason backwards and wide�
��� 
��� 
�Joggin' Jason finally
disengages from Dilger, and then jogs after Alstott while his mates make the
tackle after an 18-yard gain.����
��� 
The
back angle shows Jason's standing-around-at-the-bus-stop proclivity�
��� 
��� 
�.The
GilDong Apologists will claim, "But Jason had contain."� Yes, $23M for a guy to stand around and
"contain", while the RB gains 18 yards.� What a great value!�
-
2-12-PIT30 (1:18 1Q) Shaun King faded back to pass.� Jason veered a bit to the inside�
��� 
�and despite the constant
cries of, "But he has contain", Big Jason gets sucked inside and
loses contain as easily as a heroine addict loses money.���
�� 
�King scampers for an easy
15 yards and a key 1st down, while Jason The Gimcrack is left way back in the
dust.��
�� 
����
- On the very next play,
Tampa ran a gut run, with Alstott gaining a nice 7 yards.� How was Tampa able to get such a good gainer
against a usually stout Stiller D ?�
Well, they left the defense's big he-man, Jason GilDong, totally
neglected and untouched.� No one was
assigned to block the big he-man, and this economy-of-force operation allowed
the Bucs to use a blocker to smack a real defender, which helped created the
nice hole for 7 yards.�
- At 9:28 2Q, Pittman ran
up the gut for 4 yards.� On this play,
Big Jason was solo blocked by Dilger, and never once tried to disengage the blocker
and help out with the stop.�
- 1-10-TB34
(8:18 2Q) King faded back to pass.�
Jason was solo blocked by one man, the TE, who basically gave him a
hasty chuck-block, as though the team were running a screen or, perhaps the TE
was assigned to give a quick chuck and then release into the pattern��
����� 
�
�Jason
had an open, clear shot to pound the QB, but as is his nature, Jason took a
horrible angle at the QB, going far too deep instead of taking a sharper
angle.� King easily eluded GilDong and
ran ahead for a short gain, and as you can see in the last photo, Jason jumped
on to the side of the tackler in hopes of getting a cheesy assist.
��� 
- 2-10-TB38� (1:57 2Q)�
King faded back to pass.� On this
play, Mike Logan charged in and batted the pass.� We show this play to you, just so you can see how dominating,
bulldozing, and steamrolling Big Jason's newfound "bulrush" is.� Just look at how Jason is bulling his way
back to the QB!� Look at Jason The
Bull do his bullrush!�
��� 
-
Two plays later, 1-10-PIT42 (1:27 2Q) King faded back to pass.� As usual, Jason was solo blocked by the RT
(Walker), not by the 2 or 3 blockers that the Pittsburgh media claims is
ganging up on the big he-man every down��
���
�Jason
once again loses contain, flailing like a windmill as King easily scoots to the
outside�.
���
�Jason ends up, as is his
penchant, with his dick in the dirt��
���
�and
then gets up and snaps his fingers as if to say, Aww, darn!"� What a pathetic turd!!�
���
Here's
the back-angle of the play� Just look at The Windmill flail away in the
2nd photo below!��
�
��� 
�and there's the $23M
Flopper, flopping down onto the dirt from nothing but a futile attempt to hide
his embarrassment��
- On 2nd & 10 at 0:51
2Q, RT K. Walker was called for holding on GilDong.� Before the GilDong Hype Machine (similar to the Miami Sound
Machine) blows its horn over this play, what actually happened was that both
men fell over each other in a heap.�
Walker no more held Gildon than Gandy did Rice on the Bettis run in the
4Q.�
- 3-20-PIT38� (0:40 2Q) King faded back to pass.� Jason, as you can plainly see below, is
being blocked by ONE man, Ken Dilger, who happens to be smallish TE that is
actually lighter than Big Jason.� Here
was the perfect opportunity for Jason to show the national TV audience his
vaunted bullrush�
�Contrary
to the Pittsburgh media's claim of Jason's newfound "bullrush", Jason
The Bull loops waaay around the horn of Africa (see red arrow), getting
absolutely no pressure or harassment on the QB.�
�� 
But, hey -- don't believe
me.� Don�t believe your lyin' eyes.� Believe the Pittsburgh media, who proudly
trumpeted Jason's "newfound bulrush".
- 1-10-TB27
(14:53 3Q) M. Pittman took a basic handoff up the gut on the 2nd half's first
play.� As you can see, Big Jason is
being solo blocked by the TE, Dilger, and got blasted off the LOS at the
snap�
�� 
�Pittman
gains a healthy 7 yards on the play, while the team captain is standing around
getting slapped and bullied by a TE��
��
-
2-15-TB23� (10:42 3Q) King faded back to
pass, while Jason was in his worthless little zone.� Finding no one open, King dumped the ball to his safety valve,
Alstott, who was standing still with his back toward the Stiller defense.� Big Jason had a chance to rip Alstott (a
smaller man) a new pair of buttocks, but instead, Jason meekly flopped to his
knees and hung on to Alstott for dear life, getting a cheesy solo tackle in the
process��
�� 
�Because
of Jason's pitiful, grade school tackling technique, Alstott gained 2 extra
yards on the play.���
-
2-1-TB14� (6:02 3Q)� Alstott took the ball up RG on a basic
plunge.� As Tampa showed a willingness
to do all evening, they left Big Jason totally untouched and unblocked.� The big he-man slid over -- completely
untouched -- and made the cake-easy stop of Alstott, but not, of course, before
Alstott got 4 yards and the first down.�
-
On the next play, Slob Johnson was sacked by Smith.� What's remarkable, of course, is that, contrary to popular
belief, Smith was not given a free path to the QB because "the offense was
using all its blockers to stave off Gildon", as the Pittsburgh media would
have you believe.� No -- Big Jason
GilDong was left untouched off the LOS, and then was easily picked up by
Alstott in the backfield.�
-
2 plays later, Johnson was sacked again by Smith.� Again, while the GilDong Apologists will claim that "Jason
helped cause the sack by consuming so many blockers", the truth of the
matter is that Jason had dropped back into coverage.�
- 2-13-TB25 (3:48 3Q)�
Johnson threw a pass, incomplete to K.McCardell.� As you can see in the photos below, Jason
dropped into his little worthless zone, and as the ball sailed toward the WR,
Jason tried to jump up to deflect the pas. Instead, Jason looks like a flailing
retard, flapping in the wind like a scarecrow in a hurricane.� What a fit of hilarity!�� J
��� 
-
At 0:14 3Q, Rob Johnson got stripped by Hampton and coughed the ball up.� Perhaps Big Jason, with all his might,
reputation, bullrush, and he-monging, helped create this turnover, either by
consuming numerous blockers or somehow harassing the QB??�� Actually�uh, no.� On the play, Big Jason was totally ignored by the O-line, and
then was cut-block by Lil' Mike Pittman�.
�Jason,
as is his penchant, ends up on sitting on his ass�
�and
then assumes his more favorite position, kneeling on all fours like a hungry
pet waiting for his boyfriend to arrive home from work�
���
-
At 12:05 4Q, Joey Porter sacked Slob Johnson.�
Contrary to popular belief, Jason GilDong wasn't tying up 3 blockers so
that Porter could amble into the backfield.�
On this play, Big Jason was blocked by one, and only one,
blocker.�
-
On a 4th & 3 at 2:10 4Q, QB Slob Johnson faded back to pass.� Jason was, as usual, solo blocked, and doing
absolutely nothing with his big, bad bullrush�
���
�As
Johnson was scurried from the pocket by other defenders, Big Jason
mosied over in pursuit of the lumbering, bootfooted Rob Johnson�
���
�Jason
flopped and flailed, and got fingernail on Johnson's shoe�.
�Johnson
vaults head for the first down, while the $23M Flopper lies with his dick in
the dirt.�
-
1-10-PIT18 (1:23 4Q)� Johnson faded back
to pass.� At the snap, Jason is solo
blocked by the TE and is easily stymied�
��� 
�Jason
conmtinues to play punch the clown, doing nothing and getting nowhere�
��� 
�As
happened throughout the evening, Jason The Loser loses contain once again,
while the bootfooted Johnson easily skirts wide and complete the TD pass to
Keyshawn.
��� 
Below
is the back angle of this pathetic play�
��� 
�just
look at the gross illiteracy of the 9-year veteran to read the play and
contain the right-handed QB�.
��� 
�and
the QB scoots unfettered outside the pocket and fires an easy TD pass, while
the $23M Gimcrack stands around playing the skin flute.
To summarize:�
Jason had 3 solos -- all 3 of which were as cheesy as the factory that
produces Cheetos.� To sum them up:
- short valve dump to a
standing-still Alstott
- untouched solo on an
Alstott plunge
- fingernail nip of Rob
Johnson's shoe on a 5-yard scramble
That was it.� Jason the Gimcrack stood around the entire
game and forced nothing; disrupted nothing; and did nothing.�
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook, Ed Bouchette, and The GilDongites,
"�but�but Jason was back in coverage practically the whole
game."� No, he was not. Counting
plays in which the QB ran, Jason rushed the QB 37 times, while dropping back in
coverage 19 times.� In other words,
Jason rushed the passer virtually twice as many times as he dropped back into
coverage.�� .�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.�� And as we saw
time after time after time after time, Tampa chose to either solo block
Big Jason or leave him totally unblocked, which you've seen in many of the
photos above.� But sure enough, we'll
hear experts like Ron Cook and members of the GAA, who will tell you how badly
Jason is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each
and every play.� Rest assured, not one
of those "experts" will step up and state that Jason was being solo
blocked or simply left alone.���
And, as we learned last
week, a new excuse has been invented by the Pittsburgh media.� The first part of the season, the #1
lame-assed excuse was, "Jason is back in coverage all the time".� We here at Stillers.com easily dispelled
that load of bull.� Then came,
"Jason is being gang-blocked by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on every
play."� Again, we made a mockery of
that fairy tale.� Then it was "the
scheme"�it was all Timmy Lewis' fault that all the other LBs were hitting
and making plays, while Jason was AVOIDING contact and pussing out.� Now, the new excuse-de-jour for Jason
GilDong is, "Jason needs to get back to the bull rush."�� You saw Jason during this national TV game,
and you've seen the photos�.and not once was Jason's big, bad bullrush
any more effective than a screen door on a submarine.� Bullrush??� Looks (and
smells) more like bullshit to me.
Of course, there's always
someone in the local media willing to sing GilDong's praises, no matter how
sorry and overpaid The Dong is.� Wrote
Ron Cook in the PG about 11 days ago: "That's why it was so encouraging
to see what Jason Gildon did yesterday. He's a Steelers defensive captain and
their most indispensable defensive player. Unjustly dogged much of the season
as a big-money bust, he took it upon himself to make sure the Carolina offense
had no chance. "� Yes, sure.�
Jason is the team's most indispensable player.� He was so indispensable that he was thoroughly invisible
for the first 12 games of the season -- and "unjustly dogged",
according to Ron Cook -- and only by virtue of facing creampuffs in the two
worst offenses in the NFL has Jason GilDong become remotely visible.� Jason was really "indispensable"
against the Bucs; in fact, I cannot fathom how the Stillers could have possibly
won that game were it not for the superhuman efforts and heroism of Big Jason
GilDong.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and
compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 15 games:
Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks�: 6�
Bullshit "sacks" (included in Dong sack total) on plays that actually
netted positive rushing yardage:� 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 2
INTs caused: 0
INTs made: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 23
First downs allowed: 33
TDs allowed:� 6
