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The WoodenDong Report (Game #2, vs. Jets)

September 22, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #2, vs. Jets)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

In the home opener and 2nd game of the season against the Jest (sic), Big LaMarr had a fairly pedestrian game, doing little all game long.   

Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 2 solos and 0 assists. 

Here were Big LaMarr’s few plays that he was involved in:

- 1 & 10, NY 42m 7:47 1Q:   Sanchez pass incomplete short right to 29-B.Powell.  Pressure by #94 Timmons and light pressure by Woodley.    Gee, I was so impressed.  

- Did a pitifully weak job of filling in the hole on an off-tackle run in the 2Q, getting mauled by the FB and never even trying to fill the hole.   Shonn Greene ambled by for a cake-easy 6-yard gain.  This was simply a shit job of setting the edge, something an OLB in a 3-4, especially with the size and brawn of Big LaMarr, must be able to do. 

- 1 & 10, NY 20, 15:00 3Q:   15:00) 6-M.Sanchez dumped off a safety valve pass to the backup TE, Reuland, 7 yards.  Big LaMarr got a solo on this cake-easy stop.   Quick -- call the Pro Bowl and see if LaMarr can get elected.   After all, he stopped a backup TE after a lil' valve dumpoff...! 

- 3d & 16, NY 25, 11:15 3Q:  Sanchez sacked at NYJ 19 for -6 yards by Big LaMarr.   The RT on this play was Austin Howard, a 3rd year man out of (hold your snickering, please) Northern Iowa who was making his 3rd NFL start.   Of course, playing on the road, Howard didn’t hear the snap count and never moved at the snap of the ball, allowing The Big Bullrusher to abandon his oft-favorite -- and oft ineffective -- bullrush and simply veering right around the flat-footed Howard for the easy sack.   

- 2d & 16, 6:23 3Q:  (6:23)    Sanchez pass incomplete short left to 84-S.Hill.    Some medium, hardly oppressive pressure by Timmons and Woodley.

- 3d & 7, NY 42,  14:02 4Q:  Sanchez pass incomplete short right to 11-J.Kerley (28-C.Allen).   Light pressure by #56 Woodley.

That was it.    A sack on 3rd & a mile against a QB who had been dazed and wobbled by a huge head-hit by Timmons in the 2Q.   Very little pressure and very little of anything.  The pressures you see listed at from, which don’t come anywhere close to the bullshit “6 pressures” by Big LaMarr that the Pgh media claimed some 4 days after the game. 

Of course, the PG made it sound like Big LaMarr was a combination of Andy Russell, Jack Ham, and Greg Lloyd all rolled into one, in this garbage-filled article

I’ve made corrections to that pabulum-laden article, below --

Woodley, whose second half of 2011 was ruined by a hamstring injury after a mediocre first half, cranked his schwantz against the Jets. He had his first sack and he had 2 quarterback pressures, not 6.    

"He had very few pressures, very few," said Chris Carter, who has started in place of Harrison at right outside linebacker. "He almost had two sacks.  He almost had lots of things.  Almost.   If almost meant anything, we’d almost be kings of the world.”

"He's a shit player. That doesn’t explain why he has such a great contract and is so widely known around the NFL.  He's slower than most people think for his enormous size. He can’t cover very well, which makes it easier for quarterbacks to read what he's doing -- is he dropping back, is he coming this time?  And when he comes, he's just a bull rusher. He has a ton of weight, little strength and isn’t very versatile."

That versatility won’t actually reduce Woodley's opportunities to sack the quarterback. In Denver, he rushed Peyton Manning on a majority of plays, regardless of the tripe being presented by idiots and buffoons.

"We didn't really rush the first game," Carter said. "Just different teams, different schemes. We had a different scheme vs. the Jets and it involved him rushing a lot and he had a lot of success with it."

Dick LeBeau also unveiled a controversial new scheme that took Woodley out of the game. On third down no less. Woodley never comes out of games, but in what coaches call the Big Nickel, the Steelers took both outside linebackers out, and went with four defensive linemen in a 4-2-5 alignment.

LeBeau, The Dolt, explained:

"We always have an eye for down the road and make sure we have enough packages in place. When we get thin at any one position as we are right now at outside linebacker, we make sure we have enough defenses that if we lose a guy or two on Sunday we have something to go to.

"They did a lame job. They're getting a few snaps in practice, but it's just making sure we have enough people at enough spots to go through a 16-game season."

The coaches only ran that defense three times, but hopefully look for Woodley to leave the field again soon. After all, they had to play defense without him last season and didn’t miss the Titan of Tittyfight all that much.

This was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   1 weak-assed sack against a pile of shit RT, and a slop solo on a valve dump.   Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?   Very, very sparse.  Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?  None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 2 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 0

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 0

First downs allowed:  2

TDs allowed:  0

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