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The WoodenDong Report (Game #4, @ Hou)

October 06, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #4, @ Hou)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��



Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.

In the game against the Texans, Big LaMarr had yet another weak-assed game.Indeed, this game was the weakest he�s had in ages, and given the piles of shit that he has comipiled the past 2+ seasons, that�s saying something.Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble, limp-dick performance.�� He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing.


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 4 solos and 1 assist.��� In reality, the stats were slop stops, and his impact was abysmal.��



The game started off abysmally for the Big $61M He-Man.He played like a complete dildo-inhaling asshump on this drive, getting mauled and humiliated time and time again --


- He took a totally shit angle, and then got mauled, on a 2d & 10 run up RT by Tate that went for 20 yards.Total pile of shit on this play.


- He played a screen pass weakly and meekly, again taking a shit angle and failing to shed the block.�� He ended up getting a finger-nip on the RBs ankle for a cheesy assist.��


- On the next play, on a run up RG, Big LaMarr was totally UNBLOCKED.�� He got a cake-easy slop stop, albeit after a FIVE yard gain.


- On the next play, Big LaMarr was easily sealed off on a wide run, which gained 6 yards.This play was brought back when HOU was flagged for holding Pola.


- On a reverse boot, Big LaMarr was totally fooled and bamboozled, making it an easy pitch n� catch from Shaub to Andre Johnson.�� This play gained a nice 13 yards, and would have gained more had Johnsonnot injured a hamstring after a harmless cut and then simply fell to the ground in agony.��


- at 4:43 2Q, Foster took a routine HO up RT.�� On this play, the Big $61M He-man was SOLO blocked by the TE, Casey.SOLO blocked.�� This is a play, similar to Harrison savagely ripping Dallas Clark apart last week, where Big LaMarr should take Casey, chew him up and spit him out.�� Not The Dogger.��� LaMarr gets into a jousting match, and then feebly flails at Foster as Foster cruises by for a hefty 8-yard run.�� This is LOSING football, plain and simple.��



Things didn�t improve in the 2H.��


- early in the 3Q, Foster grabbed a flare with Woodley nearby.�� The Big He-Man should have nailed Foster for a 1-yard loss, but instead whiffed miserably, and Gay had to apply the stop for a 1-yard loss.��� Very, very poor.��


- in the 4Q, on the Foster TD run, Big LaMarr was totally UNBLOCKED and untouched on this stretch play to the LEFT.�� When Foster cut it back, LaMarr should have been there to blast the RB for a 2-yard gain.�� SHOULD.Instead, The Dogger lived up to his moniker, by LOAFING after the ball was snapped and barely walking toward Foster.�� When Foster cut back, Big LaMarr -- the clumsy, hulking stiff that he is -- feebly flailed and whiffed at Foster.Worse, WoodenDick�s ass-clumsy flailed took out Troy Pola from making the tackle, and Foster was off to the races.A complete shit-eating play by a shit-eating LB.


- later in the 4Q, LaMarr was lightly backside cut by a SOLO TE.�� The RB stuttered as he went up LG, and then finally nosed ahead.�� Big LaMarr came over for an overly cheesy slop stop.��

- Later, Foster ran up RT.�� Although far from great, LaMarr actually played this play acceptably.�� There was no cut-back room, and LaMarr got an assist.��


That was it from Big LaMarr.


Big hits?NONE.�� Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Harassment ?�� NONE.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.


The Trib Review did a nice analysis on this dogging jouster 1 day ago.�� (Unlike the Jason GilDong era, it�s nice to see the local media actually take the time to see what a fraud this stiff is.)��� According to their film study, here�s the breakdown of what Woodley did:

25 times blocked by a tight end.
12 times by an offensive lineman.
8 times he dropped into coverage.
8 times he went unblocked.
1 time he was double-teamed.

In other words, opponents are gambling that they can economize by using a TE -- or NOBODY at all -- and they are getting away with it and laughing their assess off in the process.


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 3 games:


Earned Sacks: 0

Dong Sacks�: 1.5

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:6

TDs allowed:1



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