WHY MRS. SWISS HATES THE STEELERS
By SWISSVALE 72
The Background:
She finally said it last week; I knew it was coming. I sure hope the Steelers don�t win the Super Bowl next year. You�re fuckin ridiculous.
I�m sure it had its roots in our respective upbringings.
I was born in a steel mill town
She was born in a shoe mill town
I was a barbers kid.
She was a PK (that�s Preachers Kid, for the majority of you heathens that populate this board).
My dad took me to
Her dad took her to
Digression #1: I went to the symphony once in
While her dad was praying �Dear Lord. We give you thanks.
My Dad was screaming, �Smear his fuckin ass�, as L.C. Greenwood chased Ken Anderson.
Digression #2: My dad was actually careful about the F-bomb. The first time, I heard him drop one was when I was 18, talking about one of his Knights of Columbus colleagues, Ross Cioppa Ross, �that brownnose fucker�, he blurted out one night when he and my mom were sitting on the front porch. �Tony, what did you say�, said Mom? I said �Ross was a brownnoser�, �Mary that is what I said.� �No you didn�t�, scolded Mom. Meanwhile, I was engaged in a serious case of LMFAO; good luck with this one, Dad!!
We got married with her thinking that this Steelers thing would get better. All of my Stillers.com brethren, surely wonder, if Swiss is better, what must worse have been? Truth is, I�ve gotten worse, much worse.
She Hates Me
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I sat and watched a Steelers-Cowboys pre-season game in the midst our honeymoon in 1980. It was then, I�ve always believed, that she levied a 25-year hex on the Steelers, just now dissipated.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I made her sit with my Patriots friend, Stupid Charlie, during an 81 overtime victory, won on a Bradshaw-Swann TD pass. Surely, I thought, this will make her a fan. Don�t ever do this to me again, she exclaimed, thoroughly embarrassed by the behavior of Stupid Charlie.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I made her drive back from
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I collaborated with my Uncle Oney to bring a TV to my grandma�s wake for the 89 opener. (God was pissed, Steelers lost, at TRS, 51-0).
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I jumped backwards over the couch, shrieking with delight, waking the baby as Gary Anderson split the uprights to beat the Oilers in OT in the 89 Wild Card game.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers cause I gave my in-laws the Bums Rush out of the hospital room when my son was 10 hours old, knowing that was my only hope to watch the 92 Steelers-Bills Divisional Playoff when he was 12 hours old, freshly circumcised.
Digression #3: First, and only time in my life that I believed in karma. Opened a girls home in the face of stiff neighborhood resistance on Thursday, Anthony was born on Friday, Steeler football on Saturday. No way could we lose, we lost!!
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I brought our family to the
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers cause when Neighbor Susan called over during the Steeler-Patriot game in 93, telling Mrs. Swiss that there was a fire in the woods out back, and could Dave check it out, because Chucks not at home, �I said that I would do so at halftime.� She objected; �I told her to call the fuckin Fire Department, .that�s why they�re there.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I consistently refer to Steelers-Browns 94 Divisional Playoffs as the closest thing I�ve ever had to a religious experience.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers cause a week later, I screamed uncontrollably, �Fuuuuuck, Fuuuuuuck, Fuuuuuuck� when O�Donnell�s pass to Barry Foster was batted away, denying the Steelers a SB appearance.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I did a somersault when Steelers beat the Lions at the final gun of the 95 opener, thereby kicking 2-year-old Anthony in the nose, .dropping him straight to the floor. That ended the celebration prematurely. The next week though, after a Steeler TD, Anthony cried out, �Daddy, daddy; kick me in the nose again.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I stuffed my ears with cotton while accompanying her to a Saturday matinee performance of The Nutcracker during the 95 Steelers-Pats game. Should have known that no ballet-goer would be talking football, but one can never be too careful with these things.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I went to
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I keep signing up for Steelers credit cards which she then needs to use.
-Maybe Mrs. Swiss hates the Steelers because I�m afflicted with insomnia during the season, rising at wee hours to check the PG & Trib, and am currently afflicted with PEIS (Post-Euphoria Immersion Syndrome). Prognosis is poor, condition terminal.
I gladly accept my fate, though. STEELERS WON THE FUCKIN SUPER BOWL!!!