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The WoodenDong Report (Game #2,vs. Seahawks)

September 22, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #2,vs. Seahawks)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��



Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is.

In the game against the weakling SeaHags, Big LaMarr had another weak-assed game, doing very little, aside from lightly padding a few stats.�� Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.�� He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing.


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 2 solos and 1 assist, to include a half-sack.Sure enough, by virtue of recording a half-sack, there are media members and fans that will blindly nod and say, �Yup, Woodley had a solid game.��� In reality, he had anything but a solid game; in fact, he had a shit game.�� We�ll see what a cheesy day at the office The Big He-Man truly had.


Here were Big LaMarr�s 2 solo tackles:


1.On the 1st play of the 3Q, Big LaMarr eluded a weak-assed cut block by a TE, and ambled, untouched, down the LOS on a run right up the gut.7 yards later, Big LaMarr got a slop stop.


2.On the next play, the Hawks ran a routine stretch plan to the right.�� The Hawks went with an unbalance line to the right, along with a WB, backup TE Zach Miller.�� But at the snap, Miller flinched, apparently not knowing the snap-count.�� He finally got up and CHIP blocked Big LaMarr for a split second, along with the tackle. 2nd-year man Russell Okong.�� Miller then went to engage a defender in the 2nd level.�� Meanwhile, unlike last week, Aaron Smith staved off his block and blew up the cutback lane, which was key, as this play is designed to go off tackle.�� With nowhere to run, the RB was nabbed by Big LaMarr for a 2-yard loss.An acceptable play, but not some superhuman, Dick Butkus or Jack Ham kind of play.


Here was Big LaMarr�s 1 assist:


1.In the 4Q, Big LaMarr came in totally untouched and unblocked, and teamed with McClendon to get a half-Dong Sack.



That was it from Big LaMarr.... a slop stop, a half-decent but hardly spectacular run stop, and a half-Dong Sack on a play where he came in totally untouched and unblocked.


Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Blown up plays?�� Thanks to Aaron Smith, ONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.On a WR screen in the 2Q, all Big LaMarr did was titty-joust, never disengaging.�� He then got flattened to the ground on a wide run by Lynch in the 3Q.On a 4th & 8 in the 4Q, Big LaMarr was, twice no less, knocked onto his ass on his feeble rush attempt.



Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 2 games:


Earned Sacks: 0

Dong Sacks�: 1.5

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 0

First downs allowed:2

TDs allowed:0



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