The WoodenDong Report� (Game #2,vs. Seahawks)
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you the WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2
seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the
exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall,
Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have
incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��
Here
in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the
fraud that he truly is.�
�
In
the game against the weakling SeaHags, Big LaMarr had
another weak-assed game, doing very little, aside from lightly padding a few stats.�� Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The
Dogger with a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.�� He dogged it the entire game, impacting
nothing and doing nothing.�
Big
LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 2 solos and 1
assist, to include a half-sack.� Sure
enough, by virtue of recording a half-sack, there are media members and fans
that will blindly nod and say, �Yup, Woodley had a solid game.��� In reality, he had anything but a solid
game; in fact, he had a shit game.��
We�ll see what a cheesy day at the office The Big He-Man truly had.�
Here
were Big LaMarr�s 2 solo tackles:
��1.� On the 1st play of the 3Q, Big LaMarr eluded
a weak-assed cut block by a TE, and ambled, untouched, down the LOS on a
run right up the gut.� 7 yards later, Big
LaMarr got a slop stop.�
� 2.� On
the next play, the Hawks ran a routine stretch plan to the right.�� The Hawks went with an unbalance line to the
right, along with a WB, backup TE Zach Miller.��
But at the snap, Miller flinched, apparently not knowing the
snap-count.�� He finally got up and CHIP
blocked Big LaMarr for a split second, along with the tackle. 2nd-year man Russell Okong.�� Miller then went to engage a defender in the
2nd level.�� Meanwhile, unlike last week,
Aaron Smith staved off his block and blew up the cutback lane, which was key, as this play is designed to go off tackle.�� With nowhere to run, the RB was nabbed by Big
LaMarr for a 2-yard loss.� An acceptable play, but not some superhuman, Dick Butkus or Jack Ham kind of play.�
Here
was Big LaMarr�s 1 assist:
� 1.� In
the 4Q, Big LaMarr came in totally untouched and unblocked, and teamed
with McClendon to get a half-Dong Sack.
That
was it from Big LaMarr.... a slop stop, a half-decent but hardly spectacular
run stop, and a half-Dong Sack on a play where he came in totally untouched and
unblocked.�
Big hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Blown up
plays?�� Thanks to Aaron Smith, ONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.� The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing
blockers.� On a WR screen in the 2Q, all
Big LaMarr did was titty-joust, never
disengaging.�� He then got flattened
to the ground on a wide run by Lynch in the 3Q.�
On a 4th & 8 in the 4Q, Big LaMarr was, twice no less,
knocked onto his ass on his feeble rush attempt.�
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him
with.� Just ask Jason GilDong,
the original Donger himself.�
Season to date totals
for Big LaMarr, in 2 games:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong
Sacks�: 1.5 �
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 0
First
downs allowed:� 2
TDs
allowed:� 0