The GilDong Report (Game #10, @ Tenn.)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Jason,
known around the league as The Paper Tiger for his ability to
compile paper statistics, had, on paper, a half-adequate game with 5
solos and 3 A's.� As we will see, of
course, Jason's "tackles" were overly laden with cheese, and on the
whole, Jason was as effective as the proverbial 2-legged stool.� On top of that, as can be seen on the
NFL.com play-by-play, Jason actually had 4 solos and 4 assists, not the
5 & 3 as listed in the post-game "box score".�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's
a recap of Big Jason's game versus Tenn:
- On the 4th Tenn drive, on
1st & 10 at the Tenn 21, George ran the ball toward the right end of his
line.� At the snap, Big Jason was met by
backup TE Erron Kinney at the 21-yard line.�
In a trend that occurred the entire game, Kinney proceeded to
maul and manhandle Big Jason -- the big, brawling pro bowler -- back to the
24-yard line.�
- A few plays later, Jason
almost lucked out into a Dong Sack (his favorite).� Jason stunted to the inside, and has he almost always does,
accomplished jack shit, getting no push or pressure whatsoever.� McNair had a fair amount of time, but seeing
no one open, he tucked the ball and plodded forward.� Smith and Jason made the stop for what was called a "sack
for zero yards", even though one can easily tell that McNair gained a good
half-yard on the play.� It all became
moot, however, because Porter was flagged for a hold.� GilDongites will try to claim that "Jason should still get
credit for the half-sack", but aside from the obvious fact that McNair gained
yardage, the reality is this: if Porter doesn't hold, then McNair throws the
ball to an open man and the QB keeper never occurs.�
- On the first play of the
next series, at 3:26 1Q, George ran a draw up the gut.� At the snap, Jason received a teeny, tiny
love tap, and then the blocker moved on to bigger game.� Jason mosied over toward George, but then
inexplicably -- with no hindrance from blocking or traffic -- just slowed to a
stop and QUIT on the play. George ambled for a hefty 9-yard gainer, while the
$23M fraud quit with a sorry-assed, half-hearted effort.�
- On a 3rd & 9 at7:29
2Q, George ran up center/RG.� Jason, as
is his penchant, was slothful in his recognition and decision to make a move on
the ballcarrier, but perhaps urged on by mere curiosity, Jason nudged himself over
and chipped in with Flowers on the stop.�
Of course, Jason nearly flailed and whiffed on the attempt, but got a
paw on George and got himself a fairly lame assist.
- Two plays later came the
kind of hilarious that Jason has become famous for.� McNair hit Dyson on a short curl.� Dyson eluded the tackle, and then cut toward the inside of the
field with Stillers in hot pursuit.�
Jason, who dropped into coverage on this play, was coming from the other
side of the field, and was in a prime position to make a devastating blindside
hit on Lil' Dyson and perhaps even force a turnover.� Instead, the clumsy, duckfooted dunce stumbles toward Dyson as
awkward as Manute Bol performing a ballerina act, and Dyson easily eludes Big
Jason, leaving the so-called "pro bowler" flopping and
flailing.� Dyson gained 23 yards,
while the helpless GilDong ended up with his dick in the dirt.�
- About 5 plays later, on a
1st & 10 at 4:23, McNair faded back to pass. Jason dropped into that little
worthless-assed zone that he almost always drops into.� Eddie George checked out, and ran toward Big
Jason and cut directly in front of Jason on a short square-out.� What did GilDong do?�� Why, nothing -- just like he usually
does.� Mr. Duckfoot just stood there
flatfooted and dumfounded, and McNair tossed a quail over to George, who
grabbed the pass and gained 14 yards before stepping OOB.� Jason got 2 paws on George, but not before
George stepped OOB, but Jason got credited for the cheesy solo.� Yet another 1st down allowed
-- the 22nd given up by Jason this season.�
- On a 3rd & 9 at 1:21
2Q, McNair checked down and settled on a short crosser to Dyson.� Much to the surprise of nearly every
intelligent Steeler fan in the country, Jason had adequate coverage, and more
surprisingly, Jason wrapped up Dyson from behind without flailing &
whiffing like he is so fond of.� This
was Jason's 2nd solo.
- At 14:12 of the 3Q, Jason
dropped into a deeper zone than he usually does, and got a small piece of his
hand on a pass intended for Dyson.� Not
hardly a "pro bowl" caliber play, but at least adequate.
- On a 2d & 4 at 10:29
3Q, Jason had a rare slice inside a block on a running play up guard.� But Jason then weakly flopped and flailed,
doing little more than scraping his finger nail across George's leg.� George plunged into a large scrum and was
stopped for a 3-yard gain, yet somehow GilDong was given credit for yet another
phantom assist for his pathetic flailing 4 yards before the stop.��
- 2 plays later, the Titans
tried a FG.� Jason was lined up opposite
the Tenn "RG", although Jason was in the �2nd layer" of
defenders who are behind the "scrummers" that try to consume the
blockers.� This 2nd wave is supposed to
utilize their freedom of movement in order to step up and jump high in order to
get a paw on the ball.� At the snap, you
can see (below) Jason pushing a bit behind the def. lineman in front of
him.� (Bear in mind -- this angle was
not shown until the network faded toward a commercial.)�
Then, inexplicably, Jason
collapses as though he'd been hit by a shotgun blast from close range.� In the pic below, he's mostly obstructed
from your view by Chad Scott, who is hunched over somewhat.� Farrior, to his left, is upright, as is Kimo
to his right.��
What happened to the big, he-man,
havoc wreaking monster named Jason GilDong??�
See below.�� He's getting the
living piss mauled out of him, and is heading for a face-first dive into the
Nashville turf.� You can clearly see
that the kicker is just about to make contact with the football, and the big,
he-man "pro bowler" is getting caved-in and is prepared to get his
face rubbed into the turf like a complete turd. Not that Jason minded any of
this�because bending over and getting down on all fours is what
Jason GilDong loves to do the most.�
Be sure to watch this on tape -- it's sickening, but it's also
hilarious.�
- On a 1st down at the Pit
42, at 7:54 3Q, McNair faded back to pass.�
Jason rushed, and guess who blocked him?� The RT?� No.� The RT and the RG?� No.� The RT, the RG, and Eddie
George?� No.� The RT, RG, the TE, and the center?� No.� Despite the bullshit
rhetoric from the Pittsburgh media about how much "attention" Jason
is being given, Jeff Fischer and his gang gave Jason zero attention.� Jason was blocked by NOBODY as he came off
the ball, and Jason freely ventured across the LOS.� Jason was met by ONE blocker in the Titan backfield, sparingly
used FB Greg Comella.� Jason was able to
wiggle past Comella, and had a freebie shot at McNair for a big-time sack.� Instead, The Flopper came in off-balance and
duckfooted, and McNair easily scooted aside while Jason flopped and flailed
once again. And while Jason once again lay fallow with his dick in the
dirt, McNair scrambled unfettered and completed a pass to Dyson for an easy 20
yards.� What should have been a routine
5-yard loss is turned into a 20-yad gain, all thanks to the gimpy, shitty play
of the supposed team captain, Jason The Gimcrack GilDong.�
- A few plays later, McNair
scrambled up the gut.� Jason was back in
coverage on the play, and came up to make the fairly routine stop of McNair, a
banged-up QB who no longer is a quick-footed danger when running.� Big Jason met McNair at the Pit 26-yard
line, and then, in a fit of hilarity, was thoroughly unable to come close to
bringing down McNair or even stopping the man's forward progress.� McNair carried Big Jason as though he were a
toddler, all the way to the Pit 21-yard line.�
Finally, Clancy and Scott chipped in to make the stop, and it's a good
thing they did, because McNair might very well have plowed Roadkill Gildon all
the way to the end zone.� Unbelievably,
Jason the Gimcrack was given a solo tackle for this putrid, weak-kneed tackle
attempt.�� This is precisely why they
call him The Paper Tiger.�
- 2 plays later, George ran
the ball up RT.� GilDong was solo
blocked by 3rd string TE Shad Meier, who easily did a kickout block on
GilDong, who offered no resistance whatsoever.�
Just think -- $23M just to paw at and accept blocks by 3rd
stringers.� Ain't life grand?�
- The next play, McNair hit
Dyson for what turned into a 9-yard TD pass.�
Jason dropped into coverage, and then ambled over as Dyson was
performing his RAC.� As you can see from
the photo below, Jason was right there as Dyson bulled and lunged into the
EZ.� Look how close GilDong is to this
goal-line scrum -- his left foot is inches away from Dyson's midsection -- yet
the vaunted pro bowler and "team captain" is totally upright and not
doing a damn thing to prevent the TD. It's quite apparent that Jason could have
dove and caused some hindrance, but instead, he keeps his uniform spotless and
serves as an observer:
But
Jason wasn't finished.� Notice, below,
how nimble and acrobatic Jason can be.� Just
look at the way Jason is able to AVOID CONTACT by artfully dancing over this
scrum!� This alone should be worth at
least 3 or 4 pro bowl votes.� After all,
how many LBs around the league are able to avoid contact in order allow
a crucial TD with such dainty artistry and elegance?� "Olay!" yelps the Kong of Dong, Jason GilDong.
�
In
the 3rd photo, below, Jason trots away, oblivious to the fact that the other
team has just scored a TD�..
�- At 2:12 of the 3Q, George ran the ball up LT.� KenBell had the hit and made the stop, but
an unblocked GilDong came over and stack jumped.� For this fine, "pro bowl caliber" effort, Jason was
awarded a Dong Assist.�
- At 14:04 4Q, George ran
the ball up RT.� Despite all the
pathetic cries about "Jason is double teamed just about every play,"
GilDong was totally unblocked and untouched on this play.� Yep, that's right -- Tenn ran the ball right
at Jason, and CHOSE not to block him.�
Jason combined with Fiala on the stop, but this is typical of what you
get from the $23M Fraud -- a lukewarm assist on a play in which he is totally
untouched and unblocked.
- The Titans weren't so
kind and generous on the very next play.�
The again ran the ball up RT on a key 3d & 2.� This time, Jason -- lined up a down DE --
was solo blocked by the backup TE, Kinney.�
All Kinney did was proceed to maul the living piss out of The Gimcrack,
driving the sorry LB from the Pit 49 to the Pit 45.� George cruised thru the massive hole for an easy 10 yards and a
clock-chewing 1st down.�
- 3 plays later, on a key
3d & 3, George again ran the ball up RT.�
GilDong was solo blocked by the RT, and was easily bullied wide, while
George casually jogged thru the nice fissure for a 7-yard gainer.�
- A few plays later, George
ran a toss sweep to his right.� Watch
the progression, below, as Kinney and Lil' Kevin Dyson practically pick GilDong
up off his feet and escort the pansy nearly off the field.� Yes, Jason is "being double
teamed" -- by a backup TE and a weakling, 205-pound WR.�
�
In sum, this Titans drive
lasted 9 plays (plus the FG), and chewed up nearly 7 minutes of clock.� All 9 plays were running plays�and of
those 9 plays, 6 were run at Big Jason GilDong�and all the "team
leader" was able to do was contribute a single, flimsy, weak-assed assist
on play in which he was left untouched and unblocked. That�s it -- nothing more.� This was a point in the game in which the
defense HAD to stand up and make a stop, and the Titans chose to run the
ball at the defensive captain and supposed team leader.� And Big JASon -- aka The Gimcrack -- responds
with a piss-ant, lukewarm assist.�
- On a 3rd down at 3:12 4Q,
backup RB Holcombe ran the ball up RT.�
At the snap, Big Jason was mauled wide and back by the RT (and only the
RT).� Jason finally dragged down
Holcombe for a cheezy solo, but not before the man gained 5 yards.�
To summarize:�
Jason had 4 solos (not 5, as listed in the box score)-- one on a
cake-easy shove OOB of a RB after a hefty 14-yard reception & RAC that was
Jason's fault; 1 on a cake-easy tackle from behind the WR after a short
reception; one on a play in which Jason was thoroughly unable to bring down
McNair, and 2 other defenders had to help out; and 1 on a backup RB in garbage
time after being mauled and allowing a 5-yard gain.� The assists, as noted above, were even cheezier.� He had 3 flailing whiffs and personally
allowed three 1st downs.� Sacks?� None.�
Hurries?� None.� Hits on the QB?� None.� Harassment on the QB?� None.�
Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?�
None.� Stuffed running
plays?� None.� Meaningful impact on the game?�
None.�
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but
Jason was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays with flags
and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage 17 times, while
rushing the QB 17 times.�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every
play to get to the QB."� Once
again, another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� And
sporadically, Jason faced some "man & a half" blocking" on
pass rushes, and as the one photo sequence, showed, Jason once faced a double
team combo from a backup TE and a WR.�
But sure enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how
badly Jason is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on
each and every play.�
It's high time the
Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The
Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little
energy, does nothing, and is clearly inferior to 3rd-year LB Clark
Haggans.� It's also high time the
supposed captain and leader look in the mirror and start accepting blame and
responsibility, as I
noted earlier this week in response to GilDong's pathetic grouching and
bellyaching.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.� Soon enough, you'll join the legions of
Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of
Dong�The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about
what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 10 games:
Earned Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�: 1.5
Bullshit "sacks" on plays that actually netted positive rushing
yardage:� 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 16
First downs allowed: 24
TDs allowed:� 3
