Loose Slag from The Still Mill (Nov 19th, 2003)

 

- Just as I stated last week: I figured this would happened -- the Stillers beat up on one of the very worst, most laughable teams in pro football, and then the Billy Cowher lovers come out of their 5-week hideout and proclaim how great this team is and how great Cowher is at "motivating" the team. What an effort, and what a performance, on Monday night, eh?�� Cowher really had his troops fired up and ready to play hard for 60 minutes, eh?�

 

- Fat John Madden blathered on and on before the game, "I really like this defense."�� Tell us, Fat Madden -- exactly what is there to like about The Softee Defense?� Unless one has a craving for soft ice cream, I can't think of a single thing to "like" about this defense.�

 

- Fat Madden also claimed before the game, "This is the best 3-6 teams I've seen."� Gee, I wonder if Fat Madden thinks the Stillers are the best 3-7 team he's seen.�

 

- John Gruden has deactivated star WR Keyshawn Johnson for the rest of the season.� You saw earlier this season, when Denver coach Mike Shanahan sat Pro Bowl CB Deltha O'Neal and started little-known Kelly Herndon, an undrafted little CB from Toledo who'd bounced around with SF and the NYG.� Billy Cowher has overseen 10 games worth of slop, half-hearted play, and hideous boners by numerous starters, yet has sent only one to the pine.� There's a reason why Gruden and Shanahan wear large Super Bowl rings, and Billy wears nothing but a collar around his neck.

 

- Gotta love Terrell Owens' wrist band, which said, "THE ANSWER".� I have no idea if Owens is the answer for anything, but this much I do know with absolute certainty: Billy Cowher ain't the answer.

 

- Ok, there's one thing to like about this defense: it makes it easy as pie for fantasy football decisions.� A buddy of mine had picked up Rattay a few weeks ago off the scrap heap.� He was really hesitant to start the Ratt on his FFL team this past weekend.� I rattled off a laundry list of credible arguments (such as the Softee Defense) as to why he should start the Ratt, and he did.� Turns out he won his FFL matchup by 8 points, in large thanks to the prolific number of fantasy points put up by The Ratt.�

 

- Jennifer Garner from "Alias" said she wanted to go into the game.� �Where?�, she was asked�.��� "Replacing the Bus," she said.� Hey, have at it, Jennifer.� You can't do much worse than the Bloated Bellyback, Jerome Bettis.

 

- The overworked fallacy being bandied about the Pittsburgh media is that "the Stillers are still in the playoff race, so it's too early to make personnel changes".� With the team stumbling along with a 3-7 record, exactly WHEN will it not be "too early" to make personnel changes?�

 

- As I'd said in this column last week -- long before the Chefs lost to the Bengals -- Cinci is my bet to take the lowly AFC North.�

 

- Anyone notice all the PT that Ike Taylor got�..and that the world didn't come to an end?�� That the great Armageddon of having a rookie CB on the football field never occurred?� According to the Billy Cowher School of football, because Taylor is a rookie, the 49ers have scored some 50 points.� As I've noted before, Billy Cowher is so terrified of the thought of playing rookies that his sphincter puckers tighter than a drum and he throat nearly shuts, thereby shutting off oxygen flow to the brain.�

 

- I've harped all season long about the total lack of productivity from the #4 WR spot.� Finally, the Stillers got some in the name of Chris Doering, who followed up last week's good game with another solid effort.� Question: exactly what took so long to get Doering integrated into this offense??� Oh, yeah, I forgot�.Doering needed 8 weeks to memorize the entire playbook in Mandarin Chinese, Swahili, and Croatian before Billy Cowher felt "comfortable" using him.�

 

- We're continually reminded by the coaching staff and local media propagandists that safety Burnt Alexander "is like having a coach back there at safety."� Hey, Coach Alexander, nice angle and whiff on the 78-yard TD run by Kevan Barlow!� Here's an idea: let's use a PLAYER to play free safety, and let "the coach" get into coaching, preferably somewhere at least 2,700 miles away from Pittsburgh, PA.�

 

- I'd noted in my post-game grades that Mularkey had the chance to audition for a head coaching job in front of a national TV audience.� Perhaps Mularkey really was using the national TV stage to get the light shone upon him in order to get a head-coaching job in January.� What else could possibly explain the incessant number of cutesy "trick" plays that served no purpose and looked like a Chinese fire drill?� Perhaps Mularkey felt that if he showed enough creativity -- production be damned -- it'd impress some GMs out there.� Mularkey should be flogged in public for such a horrendous evening of grab-bag playcalling and cutesy bullshit.�

 

- Another game complete, another game in which no bone-jarring, tooth rattling hit was laid by a Stiller defender on an opposing player.� Not one.�

 

- Ronnie Lott was in attendance and had his number retired.� He must have been appalled at how pitiful and atrocious the Stiller secondary is.� Lott had to be thinking to himself, "There's not a starting DB on that Stiller team that I couldn't outplay right now."�

 

- Anyone see the big stat monger, Jason GilDong, do a single noteworthy thing on Monday night?� Nope, didn't think so.�

 

- MNF showed some footage from a few years ago, when Arnie Schwarzenegger made a cameo appearance in the booth.� Hopefully the CA voting public watched this short cameo.� They got what they voted for.�

 

- The MNF crew noted that the Stillers have never won a game when they've been down by 20 or more points.� Like never winning a Super Bowl, that bit of trivia is a safe bet to never be broken during the tenure of Billy Cowher.�

 

- Ward apparently bit his tongue on that deep bomb.� This is why the mouthpiece, which even Terrell Owens wears, was invented some 30 years ago.� QBs need to talk in the huddle and at the line of scrimmage, so I can partially absolve them from not wearing one.� Anyone else who refuses to wear one on the gridiron is an absolute fool that has no pity from me.�

 

- Alonzo Jackson was a no-dress for the 8th week in a row.� The guy makes a blunder on spec teams coverage -- as if no one else on a Cowher-coached team ever does -- and now he's in Cowshit's doghouse, banished to wearing street clothes for the rest of the season.� Gee, it sure is nice for a 2nd-round draft pick to ROT, while 2nd rounders all over the league are ON THE FIELD, making an impact.� Of course, imbeciles like Ted Bouchette and Dale Lolleygag will claim, "Gee, Jackson can't even dress, so he's no good."� Earl Holmes didn't dress the first 15 games of his rookie season, all because of the stubborn stupidity of one Billy Cowher.� Porter�Ward�Amoz�Aaron Smith�all bean waxers their rookie seasons, thanks to Billy Cowher.� When it comes to player development, no one does less than Lil' Billy Cowher.�

 

- Even if we lost next week, many fans will still cry out, "We might be 3-8, but we're still in the playoff race."�

 

(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)