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The PorterPotty Report (Game #15, vs. Balt.)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper statistics for 5-plus seasons, we here at Stillers.com devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason was famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues still incorporate this into their point systems.)�

 

In 2005 and again here in 2006, the Stillers are saddled again by an underachieving, big-hype OLB, this being Joey "The PorterPotty" Porter.�

 

Make no mistake, back in 2000-2003, Porter was 3 times better than the Gilded Dong.� And, Porter hasn't sunken to quite the shamefully low standards of Jason GilDong.� But, sadly and alarmingly enough, Porter has come awfully, awfully close last season and this season.� He's been invisible in all too many games and hasn't made any more a positive impact than the governor of Louisiana did in the days before and after Katrina.� I gave him a free pass of sorts early last season, due to his knee scope in August that legitimately robbed him of some quickness, cutting, leverage, and footing in those first 3-4 games.� Joey did come on some -- a small, little bit -- down the 2005 stretch, but a lot of that was over-hyped on plays where Big Jeoy was left untouched, unblocked, and totally unfettered for some easy Dong Sacks.�

 

Big Joey Porter, who'd been used by Jon Ogden as Ogden's personal little bitch in the previous meeting, was given a huge reprieve due to Ogen's injury, which forced 2nd year tackle Adam Terry to make his first ever NFL start.� From watching the game, most Stiller fans probably thought Ogden dressed and played, because Porter was a total, absolute NON FACTOR the entire game in what was a MUST WIN game.� The summary-stat sheet credited Big Joey with 4 solos and 3 assists, but when you review the full play-by-play on NFL.com, you see that Porter had only 2 weak-assed solos and 5 slop-assed assists.� He was left unblocked most of the game, and NEVER double-teamed, NOT ONCE, NOT EVER, the entire game.�� He did absolutely NOTHING the entire game.����

 

This writer watched, and re-watched, EVERY play in this game, and compiled copious notes in the process.�� In chrono order, here's a recap of The Big Mouth's game versus Balt:

 

First Quarter:

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 13:20

1-10-BAL25 (13:20) S.McNair pass short left to M.Clayton to BLT 39 for 14 yards.� BJ (Big Joey) totally bit on the play-fake in hilarious fashion, totally unblocked.� He lumbered toward McNair, who was bootlegging, and of course Joey was nowhere close to harassing the QB.�� Easy completion, 14 yards.�

 

1-10-BAL39 (12:47) J.Lewis left guard to BLT 40 for 1 yard (A.Smith).� BJ was soloed by Heap, the TE, and did nothing.�

 

2-9-BAL40 (11:41) J.Lewis left tackle to BLT 41 for 1 yard (J.Porter, J.Farrior).�� BJ's first assist.� The Big He-man was easily WALLED OFF by the greenhorn LT, Terry, on this off-tackle plunge.� The hole got shut down by a LB (Farrior), which obviously slowed Lewis down considerably.� All Big Joey did was reach from the rear of Lewis and meekly chip in on this slop assist.� Had the hole not gotten shut down, Joey wouldn't have been anywhere close to the tackle, as he was completely walled off by Terry.�

 

3-8-BAL41 (10:59) (Shotgun) S.McNair pass short middle to M.Anderson to BLT 45 for 4 yards (T.Polamalu; J.Farrior).� BJ was solo blocked by Terry, with no pressure whatsoever.�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 08:30 

1-10-BAL10 (8:30) S.McNair pass short middle to M.Clayton to BLT 24 for 14 yards (An.Smith).� Big Joey was in coverage

 

1-15-BAL19 (7:26) S.McNair pass short middle to M.Clayton to BLT 39 for 20 yards (An.Smith, B.McFadden).� Big Joey rushed and was SOLO blocked by Terry.� He looped waaay around Terry, and was getting close to McNair after about 5 seconds, but McNair easily got off the pass, totally unfettered, for a nice 20-yard gainer.�

 

1-10-BAL39 (6:46) J.Lewis left guard to PIT 47 for 14 yards (J.Farrior, T.Polamalu).� Big Joey looped wide off the snap, showing piss poor play recognition as the play was an obvious run to anyone within 400 yards of the line of scrimmage.� Joey wasn't blocked by anyone; Wilcox gave him a 1-handed tap before looking for bigger game.� The GAPING hole and feeble as shit reaction by Big Joey allowed Lewis to saunter for an easy 14-yard gain.�

 

1-10-PIT47 (6:05) J.Lewis up the middle to PIT 47 for no gain (L.Foote, B.Keisel).� Big Joey, the "most feared man in the NFL" was totally untouched and unblocked.�

 

2-10-PIT47 (5:23) (Shotgun) S.McNair pass incomplete short right to M.Clayton. Coverage by #26 Townsend.�� Big Joey was back in coverage (2nd of 10 coverage "attempts".)�

 

3-10-PIT47 (5:18) (Shotgun)� PENALTY on BLT-A.Terry, False Start, 5 yards, enforced at PIT 47 - No Play.�� Yes, Terry had his first of 2 false starts.� Rumor has it that these were caused by Terry laughing his ass off to the point of jerking out of his stance, because he was finding it so easy and care-free to shove Big Joey around like a toddler.�

 

3-15-BAL48 (5:18) (Shotgun) S.McNair pass incomplete deep left to D.Mason. Coverage by #20 McFadden, Pressure by #53 Haggans.� Big Joey was actually SOLO blocked by the TIGHT END, Todd Heap, who is far better known for his receiving prowess than his marginal blocking skills.� Terry was available to help, but had no need to, as Heap completely stymied Big Joey Porter.�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 02:49

1-10-PIT45 (2:49) J.Lewis right guard to PIT 42 for 3 yards (B.Keisel; J.Porter).� On this earth shattering great play by Big Joey Porter, the Big Fearmonger was left totally untouched and unblocked.� He simply mosied down the LOS and got a slop assist.� Wow!�� Give the guy a 5-year contract extension for great plays like this!!

 

2-7-PIT42 (2:16) J.Lewis left guard to PIT 40 for 2 yards (B.Keisel, A.Smith).� Big Joey was SOLO blocked by Terry and did nothing.

 

3-5-PIT40 (1:36) (Shotgun) S.McNair pass short left to M.Clayton to PIT 36 for 4 yards (T.Carter).�� Big Joey was in coverage.�

�

4-1-PIT36 (1:00) S.McNair up the middle to PIT 35 for 1 yard (J.Porter, L.Foote).�� A game-changing play for a team desperate to make the playoffs.� On McNair's 4th & 1 sneak, Porter-Potty was left totally UNBLOCKED and untouched, and� McNair's initial plunge was firmly rebuffed.� But McNair spun to his left, and there stood Big Joey Porter, untouched and unblocked, who could have easily put a lick on McNair and stopped him short of the sticks.� Instead, Porter meekly pawed at McNair and allowed the QB the easy yardage for the 1st down.� Instead of a stop and a change of possession, Balt. kept the ball.� On the very next play, McNair hit Clayton for a 35-yard TD, and the Ravens never looked back.�� "It's a fine line," says Billy Cowher.� It's a fine line between making a SIMPLE, CAKE-EASY stop of a QB sneak, and standing around with thumb up orifice, which allows the 1st down and the long TD on the ensuing play.���

 

1-10-PIT35 (:11) S.McNair pass deep middle to M.Clayton for 35 yards, TOUCHDOWN.��� Big Joey was in short coverage and not involved in the TD.�

 

Second Quarter:�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 13:08

1-10-BAL20 (13:08) S.McNair pass incomplete short middle to M.Clayton. Coverage by #51 Farrior, Pressure by #92 Harrison, #91 Aa. Smith.� Big Joey was SOLO blocked by Terry and didn't do jack dick.�

 

2-10-BAL20 (13:03) S.McNair pass short left to M.Clayton to BLT 30 for 10 yards (B.McFadden; L.Foote).� On this 0-step hitch, BJ was SOLO blocked by Terry.�

 

1-10-BAL30 (12:28) J.Lewis up the middle to BLT 32 for 2 yards (J.Porter).� On Big Joey's first of 2 solo tackles, The Big He-Man was lined up against TWO tight ends, but was left totally UNBLOCKED and UNTOUCHED.� The Ravens were so fearful and afraid of Big Joey Porter that neither TE, nor the LEFT TACKLE, blocked The Big He-Man.� He simply mosied down the line of scrimmage and got a cake-easy slop stop.� As TSN already wrote, "Unless left alone, Joey Porter makes no plays."� Yyyyuppp, they've got that correct, all right.�

 

2-8-BAL32 (11:48) S.McNair pass incomplete short right to D.Mason (I.Taylor).� Joey the Mouth was SOLO blocked by Terry and did nothing.�

 

3-8-BAL32 (11:42) (Shotgun) S.McNair pass incomplete short middle to D.Williams. Coverage by #23 Carter.� On this play, Big Joey was SOLO blocked by the LG as 2 DBs, Pola and Townsend, rushed to Joey's outside.� Ideally, if the Ravens were really terrified and scared to death of Big Joey Porter, the PottyBoy would have commanded a DOUBLE team, thus freeing up Pola or Townsend.� Obviously, this didn't happen, and all 3 rushers were picked up.� A poor throw -- low and behind -- by McNair, who was totally unfettered, prevented the 1st down conversion.�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 09:58

1-10-BAL42 (9:58) S.McNair pass short right to D.Mason to PIT 48 for 10 yards (D.Townsend).� Big Joey lined up over on the left side of the Stiller defense, did a delay rush, and of course, did absolutely nothing.�

 

1-10-PIT48 (9:18) J.Lewis right end to PIT 44 for 4 yards (A.Smith; J.Farrior).�� NA.�� Play way on other side of field.�

 

2-6-PIT44 (8:35) PENALTY on BLT-A.Terry, False Start, 5 yards, enforced at PIT 44 - No Play.��� Terry was apparently still laughing his ass off.� He was told how hard it would be to make his first-ever NFL start, and here he was, 40% done with it, and it was as easy as pissing off the deck of the Titanic and hitting water.�

 

2-11-PIT49 (8:11) S.McNair pass short left to O.Mughelli to PIT 36 for 13 yards (T.Polamalu).� Joey did a designed slant to the inside, and was easily stymied by� a SOLO blocking effort by the LG, Brown.��

 

1-10-PIT36 (7:39) O.Mughelli right guard to PIT 24 for 12 yards (An.Smith).�� NA

 

1-10-PIT24 (6:59) J.Lewis right guard to PIT 24 for no gain (T.Kirschke, R.Bailey).�� NA.��

 

2-10-PIT24 (6:21) S.McNair pass short middle to J.Lewis to PIT 15 for 9 yards (J.Porter).�� The hilarious play of the game and a precise summary of the 2006 season.� Big Joey dropped back into coverage.� Lewis caught a middle valve dump and eluded Larry Foote with a firm stiff-arm.� At least, however, Foote slowed Lewis down considerably, and there should have been a tackler or 2 ready to blister Lewis and show him what Stiller football is all about.� The first defender after Foote to greet Lewis was Big Joey Porter, the loud, brash, big-mouthed he-man.� Big Joey was back in coverage on the play, and with Lewis running from right to left, Lewis was stumbling after the stiff-arm right into Big Joey's zone.� HERE was a perfect opportunity for "the most feared man in the NFL" to lay the wood to Lewis, and perhaps, for once, even created a forced fumble off a big hit.� Instead, Porter meekly, like a complete fag, pawed at Lewis's head n' shoulders, and got trucked in hilarious fashion by Lewis !!�� Big Joey got credit for the 2nd of of his 2 "solo tackles", but ended up on his back like a $10 whore with Jamaal Lewis on top and shoving Joey's face into the turf.�� (See photo, below.)

 

 

 

3-1-PIT15 (5:28) J.Lewis right guard to PIT 12 for 3 yards (C.Hampton).�� PENALTY on PIT-J.Porter, Unnecessary Roughness, 6 yards, enforced at PIT 12.��� Big Joey was, as usual, totally untouched and unblocked on this play.� Completely embarrassed and humiliated from the prior play Big Joey came over to Lewis after a line plunge, and attempted to eye-gouge Lewis.� What a dumb fuck !!�� Lewis had to leave the game for a few plays to get his eye treated.� Joey Porter -- what an asshole!!� Porter was flagged for a dead ball personal foul, and 3 plays later the Ravens scored a TD to go up 14-0.� I hear bullshit all the time about "what a great leader Big Joey is".� Great leaders don't commit a dumfucked penalty, with the season on the line, with a cheap, gutless, classless, Raider-esque eye-gouge.�

 

1-6-PIT6 (4:56) M.Anderson up the middle to PIT 1 for 5 yards (An.Smith).� Big Joey was, as usual, totally untouched and unblocked.

 

2-1-PIT1 (4:56) M.Anderson left guard to PIT 1 for no gain (C.Hampton).� Big Joey was, as usual, totally untouched and unblocked

 

3-1-PIT1 (3:31) S.McNair pass short right to D.Wilcox for 1 yard, TOUCHDOWN.��� NA, play to right side of field.�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 02:21

1-10-BAL31 (2:21) M.Anderson right tackle to BLT 31 for no gain (A.Smith, J.Harrison).�� NA, play to right side of field.�

 

2-10-BAL31 (2:00) S.McNair pass short right intended for M.Clayton INTERCEPTED by D.Townsend at BLT 46.� Big Joey did a designed slant to the inside, and was passed from the LT to the LG.� As usual, he did nothing.��

�

Third Quarter:

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 14:53

1-10-BAL31 (14:53) S.McNair pass short left to T.Heap to BLT 40 for 9 yards (B.McFadden, J.Farrior). �Big Joey was SOLO blocked in his rush by Terry and did nothing.�

 

2-1-BAL40 (14:19) O.Mughelli up the middle to BLT 45 for 5 yards (T.Polamalu, A.Smith).� Big Joey was, as usual, totally untouched and unblocked.�

 

1-10-BAL45 (13:43) S.McNair pass short right to T.Heap to BLT 49 for 4 yards (T.Polamalu).� Big Joey conducted a delayed rush, which was entirely timid and flaccid while being totally untouched and unblocked.� He was far too late to harass the QB.�

2-6-BAL49 (13:00) S.McNair pass short left to M.Clayton to PIT 40 for 11 yards (B.McFadden).� Joey hopped immediately back into coverage while an inside 'backer blitzed.� Clayon was lined up in the slot, practically directly in front of Big Joey, yet Big Jeoy never noticed him doing a curl route just to Joey's right.� Clumsy and slow as an ox, Porter stood around with his thumb up his ass while Claton gathered in the curl pass and netted 11 yards.�

 

1-10-PIT40 (12:18) J.Lewis up the middle to PIT 38 for 2 yards (C.Haggans, A.Smith).� Big Joey was, as usual, totally untouched and unblocked.

 

2-8-PIT38 (11:34) S.McNair pass incomplete short right to D.Mason. Coverage by #26 Townsend.� Big Joey was SOLO blocked in his rush by Terry and did nothing.�

 

3-13-PIT43 (11:30) (Shotgun) S.McNair pass short middle to T.Heap to PIT 25 for 18 yards (J.Farrior).� Big Joey was SOLO blocked in his rush by Terry and did absolutely, jack-shit nothing.�

 

1-10-PIT25 (10:46) S.McNair pass deep left to D.Williams for 25 yards, TOUCHDOWN.�� Big Joey was SOLO blocked by Terry, and for once, firmly cut to the inside after an initial outside rush.� Joey was in the process of getting by Terry, but McNair, totally unfettered and unharassed, casually launched the deep lob to Williams for the TD.�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 08:05

1-10-BAL21 (8:05) S.McNair pass short middle to T.Heap to BLT 40 for 19 yards (An.Smith).� Joey was in coverage on this boot to the left.�

 

1-10-BAL40 (7:26) J.Lewis left tackle to BLT 43 for 3 yards (C.Haggans).� Big Joey, SOLO blocked by Heap, got shoved waaay to the inside by the scrawny TE.�

 

2-7-BAL43 (6:43) S.McNair pass incomplete short middle to T.Heap. Coverage by #43 Polamalu.�� Lined up a tad to the inside of the LOLB spot, Joey did a delayed rush and did nothing.�

 

3-7-BAL43 (6:39) (Shotgun) S.McNair pass deep right to D.Williams to PIT 37 for 20 yards (I.Taylor, T.Carter).� Big Joey was SOLO blocked in his rush by Terry and did nothing.� Terry, in fact, rode Big Joey waaaay outside and upfield, so much so that The Potty Boy was a good 15 feet behind McNair when the pass was released.�

 

1-10-PIT37 (5:57) O.Mughelli up the middle to PIT 35 for 2 yards (J.Porter; L.Foote).� Big Joey was, as usual, totally untouched and unblocked.� He slid down the line and got a slop assist.�� Like TSN astutely wrote, " Unless left alone, Joey Porter makes no plays."�� And even the "plays" that he makes are as feeble and cheesy as what John Fiala could do.�

 

2-8-PIT35 (5:17) S.McNair pass short right to D.Wilcox to PIT 31 for 4 yards (D.Townsend). FUMBLES (D.Townsend), RECOVERED by PIT-B.McFadden at PIT 29.� Joey was back in coverage and was no factor whatsoever on this play.�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 03:48

1-10-PIT37 (3:48) PENALTY on BLT-J.Brown, False Start, 5 yards, enforced at PIT 37 - No Play.� Brown got into the act by chuckling and laughing his ass off over what a joke the Potty Boy is.�

 

1-15-PIT42 (3:48) J.Lewis right tackle to PIT 31 for 11 yards (An.Smith).� Joey looped way wide.�� Play was to other side so it hardly mattered.�

 

2-4-PIT31 (3:06) J.Lewis left guard to PIT 24 for 7 yards (An.Smith, T.Polamalu).� Big Joey was SOLO blocked by Heap and did nothing.�

 

1-10-PIT24 (2:22) S.McNair pass deep left intended for D.Williams INTERCEPTED by B.McFadden at PIT 2.� Joey was in coverage and had zero impact on this turnover.

 

Fourth Quarter:

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 13:23

1-10-BAL35 (13:23) J.Lewis left end to BLT 36 for 1 yard (C.Haggans, J.Porter). BLT-J.Brown was injured during the play.� Big Joey got his 5th assist in hilarious fashion� He got buffeted wide by a SOLO blocking THIRD string TE, Quinn Sypniewski.� The Polish TE drove The Big He-Man waaay over near the sideline, and only the good pursuit and play by the line and 'backers forced Lewis to stutterand succumb to the 1-yard gain.�� Sure enough, PorterPotty Lovers all over will sing songs of praise about how "Joey strung the play out."� He didn't string anything, aside from his tying it around his own balls and then playing with them.��

 

2-9-BAL36 (12:52) S.McNair pass short right to J.Lewis pushed ob at BLT 48 for 12 yards (C.Haggans).� Big Joey rushed and was soloed by Mughelli, and did nothing.�

 

1-10-BAL48 (12:25) J.Lewis up the middle to BLT 48 for no gain (A.Smith, L.Foote).� Joey was tapped by Mughelli and, aside from that, was untouched and unblocked.�

 

2-10-BAL48 (11:44) S.McNair pass short left to D.Mason to BLT 48 for no gain (B.McFadden).� 0-step hitch.�� Was difficult to ascertain if Joey was rushing on this play.�

 

3-10-BAL48 (10:56) S.McNair pass incomplete short right to M.Anderson. Coverage by #43 Polamalu.� 3-man rush; Joey was back in coverage.�

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 09:39

1-10-PIT16 (9:39) J.Lewis left tackle to PIT 12 for 4 yards (J.Farrior).�� On this dive play up LG/LT, Big Joey got manhandled and driven wide by the fullback in hilarious fashion.

 

2-6-PIT12 (8:55) J.Lewis left guard to PIT 8 for 4 yards (T.Polamalu).� Big Joey was SOLO blocked by Heap, and did nothing.�

 

3-2-PIT8 (8:13) J.Lewis left guard to PIT 8 for no gain (B.Keisel, C.Hampton).� Big Joey was SOLO blocked by Sypniewski, and did nothing

 

- Baltimore Ravens at 05:31

1-10-PIT17 (5:31) J.Lewis up the middle to PIT 13 for 4 yards (A.Smith, J.Harrison).� Big Joey was SOLO blocked by Heap, and was driven back 3 yards.�

 

2-6-PIT13 (4:49) J.Lewis right tackle to PIT 10 for 3 yards (I.Taylor).� Big Joey was unblocked.�

 

3-3-PIT10 (4:05) J.Lewis right guard to PIT 6 for 4 yards (J.Farrior, I.Taylor).� Joey got a light tap from the LG.

 

1-6-PIT6 (3:21) J.Lewis right tackle to PIT 3 for 3 yards (L.Foote).�� NA.�

 

2-3-PIT3 (2:38) O.Mughelli up the middle to PIT 1 for 2 yards (C.Hampton, C.Hoke).�� Joey was lined out wide on the split receiver.�

 

3-1-PIT1 (2:00) J.Lewis up the middle for 1 yard, TOUCHDOWN.�� Joey was barely tapped by Heap, who then went on to look for bigger game.�

 

To summarize:� Big Joey had 2 solos the entire game.� One came when a RB ran up the gut while Joey was totally untouched and unblocked.� The other came when a RB stumbled away from another LB and then trucked Big Joey and ended up on top of the big fear monger.�� Wow, what a heroic couple of solo tackles!� What a stud!� What a he-man!!� What a ferocious defender!!�� After such a studly performance, he shouldn't be just "the most feared man in the NFL"; he should be referred to as "the most feared man in the entire universe"!�

 

QB hurries created when Big Joey beat a blocker?� None.� Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?� None.�� Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?� None.� Stuffed running plays?� None.� Meaningful impact on the game?� Absolutely none.� Stupid-assed dead ball foul?� One, which helped set up a TD.� Weak-assed tackle attempt on a QB sneak?� One, which easily allowed the first down (on 4th & 1), and the ensuing play went for a TD.�

 

It's partially absurd that this much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still scores of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's ass.� He's not, and the stark reality has been obvious for quite some time.�

 

Not surprisingly, we've already heard the same quibbling babble and excuse-making for PorterPotty that we heard for years regarding Jason GilDong.� To wit:

 

����������� -� "�but�but Joey was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not.� Joey dropped in coverage 10 times, while rushing the QB 20 times.� 20 rushes compared to 10 coverage drops, which means Big Joey rushed the passer twice as often as he dropped into coverage.��

 

����������� - "But Joey is being ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to get to the QB."� Once again, another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Joey performed some designed stunts, in which he stunted to the inside, but he was NEVER ONCE double-teamed the ENTIRE ballgame.� Not once, not ever.�� No FB ever provided "help" to the LT when Joey pass rushed, nor did a TE.�� Joey was NEVER double-teamed on any ground plays, either.� Not once, not ever, in the entire game.� But sure enough, we'll hear experts who will tell you how badly Joey is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every play.�

�����������

����������� "Joey has outside contain."� Another popular rationalization left over from the GilDong era, which was used to justify everything from GilDong being driven by a FB into the sideline chalk, to global warming and the mating habits of the African monkey.� This excuse is nothing more than what permeates a porta potty -- hot, smelly gas.�

 

Given his play, Big Joey ought to petition the NFL to change his jersey number from double-5's to double ZERO, which would more accurately reflect his contributions and value to the team.�

 

Joey PorterPotty -- all hot, smelly air and no substance, aside from the fecal matter that sits inside a porta potty.� He smells like a porta potty; he moves like a porta potty, and he plays like the substance that lies within a porta potty.�� He's obviously a turd, and ya can't polish a turd.�

 

 

(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close�.)