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The Gildon Report - Jan. 6th

January 05, 2000 by Still Mill


The Gildong Report

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong�s 11 sacks last season --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I'm devoting some time this season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL has designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.)

As I alluded to several weeks ago, the Gildong Report is getting easier and easier to write. It's gotten to the point, that if I really wanted to skimp on my labor, I could pull up last week's report --- change a couple small items --- and voila, it's done. This is because Gildon's play has never varied any more from lousy to shabby to sub par to putrid.

The finale versus the Titans was more of the same. In a game in which the Titans ran 58 plays, Gildon � a man who was on the field for EVERY play, often facing backup linemen, a backup RB, and a backup QB � mustered only 2 meager tackles, 1 assist, and 0 sacks.

Some of the nauseous stench emanating from Gildong's wretched play included the following:

  • At 8:18 of the 2d quarter, on a 2d & goal, Gildon was bumped by the TE, who then went out for a pass. Gildon, who was never touched after the TE bump, had McNair dead in his sights, but clumsily flailed and flopped while McNair danced around him and got off a fairly good pass to the TE, who caught the ball just OOB.
  • On the O�Dummell fumble, Gildon, the jellyfish that he is, was easily outwrestled for the ball by O�Dummell, in a pathetic dearth of grit, hustle, and desire.
  • On the completion to Byrd (who fumbled a few secs later when hit by Lethon), Gildon flopped and flailed on the turf, causing Myron Cope to go on a short tirade describing Gildon� woeful attempt to defend the pass to Byrd. We continually hear about "what an excellent pass coverage man Jason Gildon is", but week in and week out, Gildon not only NEVER defends a pass, but is also continually & downright abused. And I do mean abused.

Gildon�s 2 solo stops, laughingly enough, came on untouched plays. The 1st was a 3d & 1 gut run by Thomas, in which Tennesee ignored Gildon and had their TE block down. Gildon tip toed down the line untouched and stopped Thomas for a 2-yard gain. In the 2d half, the Titans ran a toss sweep around their left end (ie, away from Gildon), and left Gildon totally untouched on the play. Gildon ambled over and made the stop for a 5-yard gain.

This was it. Otherwise, Gildon was pushed and bullied about on running plays with routine regularity. He actually had a little pressure on O�Donnel on the TD strike to Wycheck, but true to his nature he got there far too late to even hinder Neil�s pass, much less get the sack.

Not to be outdone in giving a clinic on how NOT to play OLB, was the other Pitter Pat Brother, Carla Emmons.

Emmons played only sparingly in the 2d half, but he provided enough stench in the 1st half to reek out the entire state of Kentucky. Emmons was downright fetid, continually getting shoved any which way the Titan offense felt like. When the Titans wanted to run wide, they caved Emmons in like a boulder squashing a beetle. When they wanted to run off tackle, they pushed Emmons so wide that the ballboys were complaining to the refs about being hit by a retreating Emmons while they were innocently standing on the sidelines. One astute Stiller correspondent I know wrote me and said, "Your post-game report understated just exactly HOW bad Carlos Femmons was in this game. He had perhaps THE WORST game EVER by a Stiller OLB, and that's COUNTING the gems Dontgay Jones used to put up. This guy was ABOMINABLE beyond words. He got his ASS KICKED every flucking play he was in. I WATCHED him every play, so I know�." I, too, scoured the tape and saw Carla getting pitifully bullied about.

The one bright spot at OLB was Joey Porter. As everyone knows, Porter made the big play to strip the QB, scoop up the fumble, and dash into the EZ for the TD. THIS, my friends, is what an OLB in the 3-4 defense is SUPPOSED to do. This is IMPACT playmaking. This is the kind of play that turns the entire game around in one fell swoop. This is the kind of play that gives QBs nightmares and happy feet. This is the kind of play that has unquestionably been missing from this defense since the end of the 1996 season. Porter also chipped in on a couple other nice plays as well. He strung out 1 wide run quite well, and then made the stop.

All in all, just another day at the office from the Pitter Pat Brothers, Jason Gildong & Carla Enema.

Season to date totals for Jason, the budding Pro Bowler, in 16 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 5.5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

The Still Mill 

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