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The WoodenDong Report (Game #1, @ Denver)

September 13, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #1, @ Denver)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��


Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is.

In the season opener against the Doncos, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.�� He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing.


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 1 solo and 2 assists.


Here were Big LaMarr�s 3 plays:


1.On a 2d & 18 late in the 1Q, Moreno took a pitch and ran up LT.�� Big LaMarr was totally unblocked on the play, and ambled, untouched, down the LOS.�� Moreno was bottled up and LMarr got a slop assist for doing little more than falling off a log.


2.On a 3d & 1 midway thru the 2Q, the Doncos ran a gut plunge.�� Big LaMarr was SOLO blocked by a backup TE, Joel Dreessen, a smallish TE who weighs only 245.�� This is a mismatch in which Big LaMarr, the big 285-lb. he-man, should throw a backup scrub like Dreessen aside like a rag doll.��� Not quite, and not by a long shot.LaMarr was tied up with Dreessen, and 5 yards past the LOS, LaMarr fell into a cheesy slop solo.���


3.On a 1st & 10 at 12:18 4Q, Decker caught a 0-step hitch.��� Decker was initially wrapped by Mundy, and then Big LaMarr came over and stack-jumped for a slop assist.�� (Quick....sign this guy for another $20M on top of the $61M.....and fast...!!)


That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.�� 1 weak-assed solo and 2 slop assists.Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he never once even sniffed slowfooted Peyton Manning.�� Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?�� NONE.��� Meaningful impact?�� None.The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.��


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 1 game:


Earned Sacks: 0

Dong Sacks�: 0

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 0

First downs allowed:1

TDs allowed:0



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