Last Night's Refs...Who Were Those Guys?

Last Night�s Refs:  Who were those guys??

�it couldn�t be, could it?

By Swissvale72

Dateline:  Elba (AP)

December 4, 2007

The keys to the Stillers.com satellite office on this Mediterranean isle haven�t been wrested from my hands just yet�not shown the door, not made to walk the plank, no mask placed over my head as I stride to the guillotine, while Blitzburgh DeFarge sits with his knitting.

That being the case, not defrocked yet, I thought I�d generate yet another piece of frivolous bullshit for your supposed enjoyment.

All of you watched the Pats/Ravens game last night, right?  Heard all of the Ravens� bitching about the officiating, right? Heard about the refs supposedly trash-talking towards the Ravens, right? Know who the officiating crew consisted of??  Why, it was none other than your dullardly Stillers.com moderators, the Four Horsemen of the Message Board Apocalypse�Humorless, Anal, Tyrannical and Imbecilic.

Swissvale72, having been defrocked, wasn�t included in this staff bonding activity.  He was on the outs as he refused to participate in their circle-jerk activities, y�know, the part where one Mod grabs the other mod�s�.y�know.  Perch is always wanting it to be Blitz that strokes his�y�know. Swissvale wouldn�t participate in that shit�.so fuck him.

To round out their crew, they recruited two lackeys from the poster population.  They drafted their clear favorite, Kill Cowher, and agreed to take KC�s lapdog as well, none other than StillVA, Toto to KC�s Dorothy.  Your Monday Night Officiating crew:

Referee:  He Who Shall Not Be Named

Occupation:  That Which Shall Not Be Named

He Who Shall Not Be Named�s approach to officiating is fairly straightforward, and basic.  Someone bitches at his spotting of the ball, complains about his locking a thread�err�.calling a bad hold, He Who Shall Not Be Named follows the same two-step process:

1. Tells the offending party��Stop telling the Mods how to Mod�.errr�.Refs how to Ref.�
2. Tells the offending party�.�Another word and I�m suing; I�ll subpoena the game tape, shut down next week�s games.�

Umpire:  StillBlitz

Occupation:  Piggly Wiggly Slurpee Jock

But isn�t IdiAdmin the King Shit Mod?  Isn�t he always in charge?  He is, but the stupid ass thought that it was the Umpire who ran the show. He umps games for the PigglyWiggly Employees Softball League, and parks his oafish ass on the first base line with a bucket of KFC�.gets the balls all greasy and shit.  He thought he could pull that shit in Baltimore last night.  Anyway, whole game, any player comes near him, Blitz says�.�I�m doing a helluva job umping, right?  Helluva job, right?  Do me a favor�send me a PM�tell me what a great job I�m doing.�

Field Judge:  SteelPerch

Occupation:   Dishwasher, Vincent�s of Greentree

Pregame, Perch stopped by worship at the altar of Mel Kiper, Jr.  Got all pompadoured up for his big night at the Stadium.  Then he had a good cry, anticipating that none of the players on the field would say nice things to him about his draft articles.  Pre-emptively, Perch made his way up and down  the sidelines, pregame.  First to Tom Brady��I picked you high in my draft right up, y�know.�  Then to Mike Vrabel��Thought you should have been drafted higher coming out of OSU.  I write really good draft stuff, y�know.  Everybody tells me so�I just happened to delete all of their messages.�

Line Judge:  CK Steeler

Occupation:  Hotel Critic

The Prophet booked the crew�s room at the Inner Harbor Super 8.  CK was wicked pissed that neither team would follow his recommendation for their night�s stay.  Every player that came within earshot last night.  �Didn�t like my recommendation�.Fuck You.�  �Rather stay at the Hyatt�.Kiss my Ass.�  �Didn�t want to bring your own sheets?�.Pussy.�

Side Judge:  KillCowher

Occupation:  Soap Craftsman

KC was in a good mood, having just landed the contract for the Florida Department of Corrections.  He�s be supplying the soap to every lockup joint in the Sunshine State.  KC actually attaches the rope to the soap himself, but was awaiting measurements of various Inmate Anal Sphincter dimensions prior to proceeding.  Unbeknownst to us all, KC actually has this Tourette�s thing going.  Every play, he could be heard alternatively �cunt� and �cumguzzler.�

Back Judge:  StillVA

Occupation:  WPA (Wannabe Punk-Ass)

VA was intimidated by last night�s crowd.  Was all wide-eyed and shit, holding KC�s hand as this crew took the field.  See�.his shtick is calling women �cunts.�  Put him in a setting with men, and he goes to hide in a fuckin� corner.  It�s okay, VA�.KC remembered Toto�s binkie.

So there was the crew�.next stop for the Queer Quadruplet, et al�..Foxboro, Massachusetts.