A Steeler Sunday Wedding

A Steeler Sunday Wedding

�what was he thinking?

By Swissvale72

Whew!!  Locks haven�t been changed yet, here at the palatial offices of Stillers.com.  After yesterday�s imbroglio on this page, and the associated message boards, I expected that Moderator Perch & Moderator Blitz, this site�s very own Thing I & Thing II, would have posted sentries at the entrances, the better to intercept me, have me clean out my desk, evict my ass from the premises.  So, I slithered in under cover of darkness, see if I could write one more piece of frivolous bullshit before heading off to The Burgh for my nephew�s wedding�.this Sunday.

Yeah, you heard me correctly.  This�Sunday�a�.Steeler Sunday.  My nephew, 23 years old, my playoff pal, solid Steeler creds, is getting married on a Sunday in October.  His dad, my brother, TonyV15220, prayed diligently to the Steeler gods on Schedule Release Day, praying like he�s never prayed, on his fuckin� knees, for a bye week, or a Monday nighter.  His prayers were partially answered.  With a 3:00pm start for the nuptials, either a 1:00 or 4:00 start would have done us in, would have made us subjects for those cell phone commercials, would have resulted in a church full of headphones.  But, Tony�s prayers, and mine, were partially answered with the Sunday nighter.  Praise be to God!!

What does one wear for an event such as this?  Now, I don�t often wear a suit, preferring instead a sportcoat, etc.  (who invented the word �slacks� for men�s pants, by the way�maybe it was The Homo Carson Palmer?).  Consequently, I own but one suit, which I�ll be wearing Sunday.  I bought this suit for my father-in-law�s funeral, 13 years ago.  I�m actually quite pleased that it still fits.  That, my Steeler friends (if I�ve any remaining friends hereabouts...who'd have predicted this...piled on by young foot fetishists and male nurses alike) is one advantage of having been fat all my life.  I don�t experience the middle-aged bulge, �cause the bulge has been a constant.   Unlike the newly fat, my fat belly has always been my foundation, and the rest of my body has been built around it.  The newly fat, whom I often refer to as �skinny fat guys� are rather obvious�..flat-chested, no ass, but this big belly often due to too much beer having caught up with them at 40.  Anyway, that�s a long way of saying that this suit still fits.

It�s a brown suit, thin blue pinstripes.  I�ll be wearing it Sunday, I think.  My question to you, the assorted masses, is whether I should wear a white or black Steeler jersey with the suit?  I�m thinking that the white base might match better, and�it�s an away game, and we�ve already established that it�s best practice to match your team�s colors, even for TV viewing.  White FWP jersey�.won�t say it�s authentic like SignPlax�s $235 buy�but it does have stitched numbers, letters, striping.  Anyway, the FWP jersey, Terrible Towel out the back pocket, Steelers Santa Claus hat�should be all set.  Or�.do I go with a blue sportcoat?

TonyV assures me that there will be a TV at the reception, scheduled to end at 9:30pm, followed by a gathering at the hotel bar.  How to effect a seamless transition though, is the problem.  Have to somehow evade the assorted old dagos gathered therein�.Mary Rivetti, who�s still pissed that people begged out of her 90^th birthday party, as her stupid daughter, Babe (yes�Babe) didn�t have the foresight not to conflict it with the �97 AFCCG.  Oh�Mary Rivetti�s dead?  Have a tough time keeping up with the fam.  Maybe, we can slip the maitre�d, the concierge, a few extra bucks, keep the band playing �til halftime�I figure that should be around 9:50pm, giving us a leisurely 13-minute transition to the bar.

Then, Mrs. Swiss is making noise about her shoulder hurts, her foot hurts, she�s nothing to wear�maybe I should just take the kids, make the trip without her. WHAT??  Am I hearing right??  Gift horse in the mouth??  Seamless transition, what transition�..slip the kids $20 each, don�t give a fuck about the old dagos then.  No way I miss even one play.  Wait a minute�.hell�.I�ll stop and pick up a mannequin at Joseph Horne�s (no you stupid fucks, not the Saints WR�Joseph Horne, the clothing magnate�damn, you people are dumb), dress the fuckin� mannequin in my suit, prop him up in the pew, fly my ass out to Denver for the game.  Or�.can�t get a ticket?  Maybe I�ll just proceed on to San Diego.  Don�t ask.  No one would know the difference.  I don�t talk much more than a mannequin at family events anyway.

Then�..then�.and I even hesitate to repeat this.  During my Penn State-Steeler doubleheader weekend two weeks ago, my son, Anthony, asked if the Steelers had every lost really badly at home.  Tony & I proceeded to wax eloquently (well�as eloquent as a pair of Pittsburgh dagos can be) about the 51-0 loss to the Browns, the �89 opener.  That just so happened to be the very same game that we watched in the backroom of Nied�s Funeral Home in Swissvale during my grandmother�s wake, compliments of my Uncle Oney, having brought along a 13 inch black & white.  We attributed this horrid loss to �God being really really pissed.�  To which Anthony, ever the astute young man, says��Maybe you shouldn�t bring the TV to the wedding then.�  Tony & I looked at each other, looked at Anthony, both told him in no uncertain terms to Shut the Fuck Up, and never to utter such blasphemy again.  I gotta admit though�is making me very, very nervous.

But what the fuck?  How did we go wrong.  Good Steeler family, solid Steeler credentials, survived Steeler games during funerals, finagled our way out of Steeler games scheduled during family Christmas dinners, and the first wedding of the assorted offspring of my brothers and I derails us??

We shall persevere, make this work�and I shall report back, unless the locks have been changed by then!!

Notes:  To all of you planning on an early exit by the Boston Red Sox�.Fuck You!!  The series is back to Fenway!!  Those Cleveland mother-fuckers were all dressed up for a party last night.  Well�it didn�t come.  You asshats gonna root against fellow Steeler fan Curt Schilling on Saturday night�.are ya?  Sox win that, then we have to hold our breath while the Jap takes the hill on Sunday, with the knuckleballer, the former Bucco, in reserve.   Oh�and Manny�s just being Manny.  He just smiles, stays in his own little world, and hits like hell.  The Boston fandom seriously wanders if he�s cognitively limited�just a hitting savant!!

For those of you wondering if I had a meltdown�.nope!!  Stand by the last two articles.  The mod piece....that so many of you didn't like.  I'll borrow a piece from our old friend Peezy. If I offended anyone other than Still Blitz & Perch, I'm sorry. Oh..the wedding, in the "South Hills of Pittsburgh."  Yep....those same South Hills where Perch hails from.  Maybe I'll stop in for a beer.  Maybe Perch can put me up for the night.  Anyway, don�t know when the Red Guard comes along, shuts down the presses�but for now�.my key still works�.my desk�s not been cleaned out.

Tomorrow�s October 20^th.   Happy Birthday, Still it.  Roll Tide!