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The GilDong Report (Game 16, vs. Clev.)

January 09, 2002 by Still Mill

The GilDong Report (Game #16, vs. Clev.)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's 11 sacks in '98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I've devoted considerable time the past 2 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Gildon, as you may recall, hoodwinked enough voters in '00 to be voted in to a reserve spot in the Pro Bowl, and repeated that feat in �01. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '01, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he truly is.

Gildon, just recently named to the Pro Bowl, played only the first half versus the lowly Cleveland Browns. And what a half it was. This might very well be the most wretched, piece of shit half I have ever seen from a linebacker in the National Football League. On paper, Gildon was credited with 1 solo and 1 assist, which, as we will clearly see in full color photos, was clearly a farce, as he actually had 1 assist, period. At any rate, as we will clearly see, this was a thoroughly embarrassing "effort" from the supposed pro bowler.

In-sequence during the game, here are the plays that Big Jason was involved in:

It�s quite apparent what Cleveland�s game plan was: attack and pick on the so-called Pro Bowl LB, Jason Gildong. On their very first play from scrimmage at their own 10-yard line, the Browns ran a play-fake toward the left, and Couch then rolled a tiny bit to his right. See photos 1 & 2, below. As is his nature, Jason buys the play fake hook, line and sinker.

 

As you can clearly see in photos 3 & 4, Couch has long since departed from his play-fake, and is set up to throw, while Jason Gildong is still buying the play-fake.

 

Jason finally realizes that he�s been bamboozled in photo 5, but by this time Couch has had about 5 seconds in the pocket to survey the entire field in a leisurely manner.

 

As Couch releases the pass in photo 7, Jason is in no-man�s land, dropping back into "coverage" and standing at the original line of scrimmage and, while purportedly "in coverage", isn�t covering anybody, nor is he disrupting the QB. The result is an easy completion to KJ for 17 yards.

- On the same drive, on a 2nd & 10 from the Clev. 38, the Browns ran a toss sweep to RB Ben Gay. At the snap of the ball, backup TE Jake Moreland engages the mighty Pro Bowl LB, Jason Gildon. See the gold arrow in photos 1 & 2, below.

 

Moreland immediately starts to maul the "Pro Bowl" backer like a bear mauling a helpless donkey. As can clearly be seen in photos 3 & 4, Moreland easily bulls Gildong back as though The Dong were standing on a skateboard.

 

The backup TE, Moreland, continues the mauling in photos 5 & 6, while Jason shows no interest or ability in being able to disengage himself from the blocker.

 

Gay has turned the corner in photo 7, while Jason continues to get mauled backwards by Moreland.

 

Unbelievably, in photos 9 & 10, the unmerciful mauling still continues, with GilDong giving no resistance whatsoever�.

 

Finally, Moreland eases up on Jason as Gay cruises by en route for an easy 14-yard gain. By the end of the play, in the last photo below, The Paper Tiger has now been pushed back 7 yards from the original line of scrimmage. Plain and simple, this is one of the sorriest, weak-kneed plays I�ve ever seen from an NFL LB�..but hey, he�s going to the Blo Bowl.

 

- Ironically enough, on the very next play, Cleveland ran the same play again from the Pit 48 -- except this time, to their left, at 2nd year player Clark Haggans. Haggans, shown in the gold arrow below, engages with backup TE Jake Moreland, the same man who mauled the living piss out of Big Jason the previous play, on the Steeler side of the 50-yard line.

 

As can be vividly seen in photos 3 & 4, below, Haggans gives Moreland a dose of his own medicine and pushes Moreland back, while also doing a good job of fighting to the outside; maintaining his position; and stringing out the play.

 

In the last photo, below, KenBell makes the tackle, but Haggans is right there, and unlike his counterpart at the other OLB, Haggans wasn�t mauled 7 yards downfield. On the contrary, Haggans ends the play 2 yards deep in the Cleveland backfield. GilDong supporters will claim that Moreland was simply tired from mauling the living piss out of Big Jason on the previous play�which does have some validity. However, Haggans clearly staves off the blocker the way a LB is supposed to, unlike the big time Pro Bowler, Jason GilDong.

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- Continuing on in the same drive, on a 1st & 10 from the Pit 44, the Browns ran a basic sweep to their right. At the snap of the ball, Jason is untouched as the blocker in front of him blocks down�

 

In photo 3, pulling guard Shaun O�Hara briefly engages Gildong, and then peels off for bigger game, which in this case is the ILB. Meanwhile, in photo 4. RB Ben Gay begins to block Big Jason, but inexplicably The Paper Tiger has already turned his back in a fit of yellow-bellied retreat.

 

As can clearly be seen in the last 2 photos, below, The Paper Tiger is shown lolly-gagging with his back turned toward the play. This is absolutely and utterly sickening. Here you have 10 other plays flying to the ball on every play, and the Pro Bowl coward is shamefully retreating from contact with his back turned like a Taliban solider. But hey, Jason�s going to the Pro Bowl.

 

- On the very next play, Cleveland continued their unmerciful exploitation of Big Jason Gildon. Prior to the snap (see photos 1 & 2, below), they motioned RB Jamel White over to a position on their wide right. White, of course, is a backup RB who is playing only because the Browns have been ravaged by injury. In photo 2, Jason has backed off the line of scrimmage and has clearly assumed a pass coverage role against this formation.

 

In photo 3, it�s quite evident that QB Tim Couch is intensely staring in the direction of White. In photo 4, White prepares to catch the ball on the short slant, while being "covered" -- if that�s what you call it -- by "Pro Bowl" LB Jason GilDong. As you can see in photos 4, 5, and 6, there isn�t another receiver anywhere within a mile of White, yet the Paper Tiger provides lame-assed coverage like this�.

 

In photos 5 and 6, below, White pulls away from The Gilded Dong as easily as a Corvette pulling away from a Tercel. We�re continually fed a steady diet of fables from the media and some fans, about Jason�s supposed quickness, speed, athleticism, and pass coverage skills. Here�s the perfect chance for Jason to show off those attributes, and as we see in vivid color, he fails miserably. No speed. No quickness. No coverage skills.

 

Finally, in photo 7, White prepares to hit a scrum of players. GilDong has a perfect chance to lay the wood into little Jamel, but instead he flops-and-flails, and as can be clearly seen in the last 2 photos, ends up on his ass with his feet in the air, while Earl Holmes makes the tackle of White (blue arrow).

 

On what was a 4-yard pass completion, backup RB Jamel White ends up gaining 18 yards, all thanks to the outstanding "quickness, speed, athleticism, and coverage skills" of The Gilded Dong, Jason GilDong.

- On the very next play, White ran a basic play up RT. Gildon is solo-blocked by H-back Rod Monroe�..

 

Jason initially gets blocked, but he does eventually slip off Monroe�s block, and come over for an assist. I won�t fawn over a play made against the likes of Rod Monroe, but this was an adequate play.

 

- On Clev�s next series, which began after Stewart�s first INT, the Browns took over at the Pit 27 at 5:23. On first down, Couch handed the ball to RB Ben Gay. As you can plainly see, as this play begins Jason is totally untouched and unblocked, with perfect, unfettered vision into the backfield ...

 

�in photo 3, Gay hands the ball off to WR Quincy Morgan on a reverse, and in photo 4 Morgan begins to turn the corner with an acre of open field, with Mr. Pro Bowl, Jason GilDong, nowhere in sight.

 

In photo 5, Big Jason emerges into the picture -- a full 9 yards downfield -- after being badly bamboozled.

 

In photo 7, Jason huffs and puffs and finally gets a chance to hit Morgan�..and then whiffs, in a pitiful version of his patented flop-and-flail.

 

Of course, as has often happened this season, Jason was credited for an assist on this play, despite the fact that Brent and DeWayne are responsible for the stop.

Because this play was so laughable on behalf of the supposed pro bowler, below we will show the "end zone camera angle" of this big gainer.

 

Below, in photo 3, Gay prepares to hand the ball off to Morgan, and in photo 4, Morgan (blue arrow) has long received the handoff while Jason GilDong (gold arrow) is still chasing toward Gay�.

 

In photos 5 and 6, Morgan continues to run toward Clev�s right sideline, while Jason is still moving in the wrong direction�.

 

In photo 7 below, Jason has Morgan lined up for a heroic hit, but the vaunted Pro Bowler flails, and then flops to the ground.

 

As you can see below, while 3 other defenders are making the stop, The Flopper, Jason Gildon, ends up in an appropriate position all too familiar to The Dong -- on his ass. But hey, he was credited with an assist on the play. After all, he truly is a Pro Bowl caliber player.

- On the very next play, on a 1st & goal from the Pit 4, Clev. ran a basic run up LG. Clark Haggans, as shown with the gold arrow in photo 1 below , takes on starting TE OJ Santiago�.

 

Haggans fight through Santiago�s block (see gold arrow, below) and helps clog the hole, which helped Bell to make the stop for a 1-yard loss.

 

I showed this play, just to let readers know that Haggans -- while hardly showing the form of a Zach Thomas -- is nonetheless once again able to ward off blockers better than the "Pro Bowler", Jason GilDong, despite this being Haggans� his first chance to ever play LB in a regular season NFL game.

- Two plays later, from the 3-yard line, Couch handed off to White, the only back in the backfield, on a basic running play Jason GilDong is lined up on the far left of the Stiller line, and immediately, for no good reason, starts to wide loop rush H-back Rod Monroe. As you can see in photo 2 below, the RG is pulling, which means the Browns were running a counter play toward the left side of their line. But White immediately spots an acre of daylight to his right��

 

�which, in photo 3 below, is outlined in blue. Monroe didn�t even have to push on Gildon; instead, Monroe merely stood up out of his stance and pivoted to his right, while Jason took himself out of the play with a totally ridiculous WLR (Wide Loop Rush) on a play that was an obvious run. By the time Jason loops around Monroe in photo 4, White has easily sauntered by�..

 

�.and lands in the end zone (see last photo, below) for the easiest TD he�ll ever score. To be sure, KenBell -- who was correctly reading the guard and moving to his right, flies in off-balance to his left (see above photo) and misses a hit on White, but at least Bell accurately read the play and then took a shot at White, unlike Big Jason, who stood around playing spank the monkey. A legitimate Pro Bowl LB would have read the play, then fought like bloody hell to stop a RB from scoring a TD in a scoreless game. But not the PaperTiger �. he�s not interested in hitting, or fighting off blocks, or tackling ballcarriers. His only interest lies in accumulating Dong Sacks. And please -- no caterwauling about "outside containment" or "funneling the play in" -- sheer, unadulterated bullshit for this kind of play so close to the goal line. Not only does The Gilded Dong have outside help from a DB, but a LB can maintain outside containment without loop rushing and allowing a 12-foot hole.

- Speaking of Dong Sacks, Jason tried his best to get one early in the 2Q. On 2nd & 6 on the Clev 40, Couch faded back to pass and set up to throw. Jason, of course, is embarking (see gold arrow) on his usual Wide Loop Rush (WLR) around the horn of Africa. As can be seen in photos 1 and 2 below, Kimo and especially Aaron Smith (see blue arrows) crash into Couch (Smith actually blasted the blocker back into Couch)....

 

�causing Couch to fall back onto his ass. In photo 4, Jason finally comes sweeping by at the end of his elongated WLR, and skims a finger along the prone Couch.

 

After the play was well over with, Jason can clearly be seen in photos 5 & 6 below repeatedly pointing his finger toward the ground and looking at the Steeler sidelines and the press box in a feeble, pathetic attempt to signal, "I touched him down, I touched him down".

 

Much was made -- and deservedly so -- about Mike Strahan�s joke of a sack that set the NFL record. But a similar uproar should have ensued over GilDong and his selfish, despicable attempt to rob a sack from teammates Aaron Smith and Kimo V. in order to pad his sacks numbers. Thank goodness the statisticians didn�t succumb to The Paper Tiger�s pathetic attempt to sucker them into giving him yet another Dong Sack

This was it for the big Pro Bowl stud Big Jason Gildon in this half of play. He finished with one legitimate assist, with the other assist being a phantom assist that clearly never occurred. No solos from the Big Jason, either. And amongst all this, some of the sorriest, weak-assed linebacking this franchise has ever seen�and that includes that of Dontgay Jones and Carla Emmons.. The only bowl Jason should be visiting is a porcelain toilet bowl, so that he can excrete the shit-laded play he showed against the Brownies. The way The Flopper was manhandled, bullied, and bamboozled is a sure portent of things to come in the playoffs, because playoff opponents are always looking to go at the soft spot. And let there be no doubt, on this defense the soft spot walks with duck feet and wears a big 92 on his jersey.

Season ending totals for Jason, in 16 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 9
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 2

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