Billy Cowher's Opening Day Woes: The Real Deal
Billy Cowher -- he of stubbornness initiated as a toddler
while pounding a square peg into a round hole -- lamented 3 summers ago that
his preparation for the opening of the regular season was lacking.�
"I try to sit back every year and try to look at what I
can do," Cowher said, "and maybe there's something about why we've
played poorly the last couple of years."��
Yes, that "something" -- the reason the team has arrived on
opening day prepared to do little more than run backwards in full retreat -- is
none other than William Laird Cowher.����
In a typical Cowher understatement, the Sultan of Spittle
stated 3 Septembers ago, "Hey, we're changing. It can't be any worse than
the last two [openers] we played.� I
look at myself too and maybe I've done a poor job of getting this thing
prepared."� Cowher, of course, then
went to the season opener in 2002 and had his ass handed back to him quicker
than a liposuction patient.�
The real deal on Cowher's gross, overt inability to have his
team prepared for the season opener is this: since 1993, his team has stunk and
sputtered in every meaningful opening day game in that 12-year timeframe.� Cowher's memory is obviously short; after
all, who else would want to remember such horrific details?�� And, the Cowher-loving media that covers
the Steelers on a regular basis is either too ignorant of the facts surrounding
Cowher's near decade-long bout with opening day futility, or too enamored/too
afraid of The Chin to ask the hard questions and write the hard analysis that
should be written.� It's currently
trendy for the Pgh. media to point at Cowhead's opening day record, but the
root of the problem is much, much deeper than merely the win-loss record.�� In fact, since 1993, in every opener
versus an NFL-caliber team, Cowher's teams have slopped and slathered.� EVERY one.�
1999 and 2003 were aberrations of sorts, since Cowhead got to whip up on
a JV team each time�.but sure enough, facing an NFL-caliber team the following
week, it was more stink, slop, slather, and vomit. �
Luckily for the readership of Stillers.com, we don�t shy
from the facts, presented here for your amusement and/or gastro-intestinal
torment.�
�93 - Playing at home game versus San Fran,
Cowher's team slopped and slathered its way in a complete stupor, en route to a
24-13 loss.� To be sure, San Fran was a
very capable opponent, but coming off a very strong season, Cowher's Stiller
team was far from out manned and outgunned, yet was shamefully unprepared and
their execution was utterly horrendous.�
The crowd that sunny Sept. 5th afternoon departed 3 Rivers Stadium
amidst a pungent stench that was created by the 3 previous hours of futility
and stupidity by Cowher's team in a game that was entirely winnable.�� Not to be outdone, the Stillers went out
the following week and were thrashed by the Rams, 27-0.��
�94 - Playing at home, Cowher's team got thoroughly
whipped, dominated, and embarrassed in every phase of the game in a
hideous home blowout to Dallas.� The
26-9 final score didn't even begin to tell the full story of this laughable but
extremely embarrassing blowout.�
�95 - At home, against an exceptionally average
Lions team, the Stillers eked out a sloppy 3-point win in OT.�� Here you have a veteran-laden team that
came 3 yards short of going to the Super Bowl, and 8 months later -- with
virtually the SAME team intact and healthy -- they're clawing for a home win
against one of the very average teams in pro football, all because of slop,
slather, disorganization, and lethargy.����
�96 - At Jax, the Stillers lost to the 3-13 (in �95)
Jags in one of the shoddiest, most ill-prepared opening-day efforts ever
witnessed in the NFL.�� Cowher's team
looked sloppy, lethargic, and physically unprepared for the rigors of a regular
season game.�� Additionally, Cowher's
imbecilic 3-headed QB derby at training camp badly misfired, because none of
the QBs had gotten enough work with the starting unit.� Cowher jerked Jim Miller out of the starting
lineup early in the 3rd quarter, but Mike Tomczak's first pass was INT'd and
returned for a TD.�� This 24-9 beating
was undoubtedly one of the most embarrassing losses in Stiller history.�
�97 - Once again at home against the Cowboys, the
Stillers got thoroughly whipped, dominated, and embarrassed in every phase of
the game in a hideous 30-point loss to Dallas.�
The 37-7 final score didn't even begin to tell the full story of this
laughable blowout.� There was talk going
into the of the "revenge factor" of beating the Cryboys, since the
Stillers had lost to them just 19 months prior in Super Bowl 30.� Despite the "revenge factor" and
the fact that about 80% of the '97 team had bitter memories of SB 30, the
Stillers were nonetheless handed a can of whipass by the Cowboys.�
�98 - In yet another sloppy opener, the Stillers sputtered,
slumbered, and slothed throughout the entire afternoon against the lowly
Ravens.� Remember, this was a game with
a team that narrowly lost the AFC Title game just 8 months prior, against a
shoddy relocated club that had never sniffed the playoffs.� Only the gross ineptitude of the Ravens, to
include rookie Priest Holmes tripping over his own two feet on a critical 3rd
down run that had "TD" written all over it -- precluded the Stillers
from yet another opening day loss.�� The
Ravens also helped immensely with a day full of woeful QB play and special
teams blunders, to include two horrific long-snaps that allowed the Stillers to
get the ball in golden field position.�
The Stillers were lucky to slop out this narrow 20-13 win.�
�99 - Bill Cowher was able to pad his opening day
win-loss record with this laugher of a game against a junior-varsity Cleveland
team.�� No less than 75 NCAA teams could
have beaten the woeful, expansion Browns that evening.�� In all actuality, this game was nothing
more than a tune-up game; no different than when a big-time college football
team opens its season against the likes of Arkansas State.�� The next game -- facing a legitimate,
genuine NFL team (the Ravens) -- in a repeat of the �98 opener, the Stillers
sputtered slumbered, and slothed their way through an afternoon of sloppy
football, and held on for a narrow, fortuitous 3-point win.�� Of course, the Stillers went on to stink
and sputter en route to a miserable 6-10 season.�
�00 - Again opening the season at home, the
Stillers once again sputtered and slumbered throughout the entire game, and
allowed the bumbling Ravens to steal a win at 3 Rivers.� It was rather evident that, for the 8th year
in a row, Cowher's team was no more prepared to play football on opening day
than it was prepared to drive a space shuttle from Earth to the darkest reaches
of Jupiter.�
'01 - Facing an injury-ravaged Jaguars team that was
also totally decimated by free agency and the salary cap, Cowher's team
nonetheless went down to J-ville and got their asses physically beaten in every
phase of the game.� Not only was
Cowher's team disorganized, confused, and befuddled, but they were also badly
out-hit and manhandled at the point of attack the entire afternoon.� 2 days later, the 9-11 attacks occurred, and
no less than Billy Cowher was the very first person exonerated by the CIA due
to "a total incapability, along with a total lack of brains and common
sense, of planning and coordinating such an attack".��
�02 - Not many fans need much of a reminder of the 2002
opening day hilarious embarrassment on Monday Nite Football.�� Cowher's minions thumped their chest for 8
months about "revenge" and how "Cowher will upstage
Belichick".� By the end of the
evening, Bilbo Cowher was beet red with embarrassment and humiliation, as the
Pats gave Cowher a brutal, thorough 30-14 ass-whipping.�����
'03 - Thanks to Brian Billick's foolhardy gratuity,
greenhorned rookie Kyle Boller got the start at QB, and the Ravens never had a
chance in the '03 season opener.� Boller's scattershot manners made
the defense's job as easy as shooting ducks on the pond, and Boller also threw
1 INT and fumbled the ball twice (recovering each time).� Of course, the game was hardly devoid of slop.�� 9 Stiller penalties.� A wasted 1Q TO because there weren't enough
men on the field for a Stiller FG try.�
Another wasted TO late in the 1st half, when Balt. called a TO, and after
that TO was completed, the Stillers had to call a TO of their own because of
confusion and/or 12 men on the field.� A
flag on a late Raven 2-pointer for 12-men on the field (�and, despite the extra
man, the Ravens still scored).�� This
game was very similar to the '99 opener versus Cleveland; as easy and soft as a
Duncan Hines cupcake.� The following
week, of course, Cowher had his ass handed to him by the KC Chiefs, and, just
like 1999, the 6-10 season was well on its way.�
'04 - Playing at home against an inept, blundering, disorganized
Raiders team, under then 1st-year HC Norv Turner, the Stillers stumbled and
bumbled, turning what should have been a rout into a nail biter that the
Stillers pulled out on a last-second FG for a meager 3-point win.� The lowly Raiders should have had their
asses whipped and beaten by at least 14-20 points by any playoff-caliber team
playing in its home stadium.�
So there you have it -- 12 years of embarrassing
opening-day futility by the NFL's most overpaid, over-hyped coach.�
When something happens year in and year out, over a period
of several years, it no longer is an aberration or a random bit of bad
luck.� It is an undeniable trend based
on a causal (not casual) relationship; the cause being, of course, Billy
Cowher.��
"Why is Cowher incapable of preparing his team
adequately on opening day?", some will ask.� Good question.�� The short
answer from some folks is that Cowher simply isn't very bright, and I won't
spend time expounding on that obvious point.�
Here's the more complete answer:� Just like Cowher's overt, time-honored inability to prepare his
team for the playoffs, the jump up from pre-season to the regular season
is one of enormous magnitude.� This is
where Cowher fails miserably: he fails to grasp and adjust for the size of the
"jump" from preseason to regular season, as well as the jump from the
regular season to the post season.� In
the case of both jumps, the increase in preparation, intensity, and focus that
is necessary to win is probably 10-fold, yet Billy Cowher is perennially
content to slumber along and go from week to week with the same mindset,
totally oblivious to the change in the battlefield and its increased
tempo, intensity, and preparation requirements.� Additionally, Cowher is fond of frittering away precious time at
camp.� While other teams are working and
gelling, Cowhead is off at the movies with his entire team; or wailing and
moaning about wet fields & poor drainage, or is content to stand around
with thumb up orifice as his O-line stumbles and bumbles.� In essence, Cowhead operates during camp as
though camp were 14 weeks in duration.�
The Stillers open this season against a very average -- at
best -- Titans team.�� Look for more
slop and slather from Billy Cowher on Sept. 11th.� Bet the house on it. �12
years of slop and futility cannot be refuted.�
Just like a playoff game associated with Billy Cowher, this one will
have to be watched with a bottle of Pepto Bismol, a jar of Rolaids, and a few
caplets of Tylenol.��
(Still Mill
and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh
Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 4
Stiller playoff losses�.)