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2011 Season in Review WoodenDong Report

September 05, 2012 by Still Mill

2011 Season in Review WoodenDong Report

 

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.

 

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.

 

As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��

 

For the 2011 season, we and we alone took the time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.(Apologies for the tardiness of this report....work and other stuff bogged me down...)

Here�s Big LaMarr�s season in a nutshell -- he did nothing the first 5 weeks of the season.NOTHING.��� The low point was the loss to Houston, in which The Dogger was blocked 25 times by a TE as opposed to 8 times by an O-lineman, yet did nothing the entire game.�� He personally allowed the game-winning TD run by Foster when, while UNBLOCKED, Big LaMarr feebly waved at Foster before thrusting his dick in the dirt.�� Big LaMarr compiled a few Dong Sacks in Oct,earning a farcical �D-side player of the month� award, and then soon injured his hammy and was rarely ever heard from again.��� $61M for a lazy, overweight, over-rated sack o� dung.����

 

The game by game breakdown is below --

 

Sack #

Game

Opp.

Game Time

Down/ Dist.

Whom beat

Added Description

Result

Jar or strip

Earned/ Dong

Additional notes

1

1

@ Balt.

15:00 4Q

2d & 6

TE EdDickson

Dickson was a solo chip blocker and peeled off on the play.�� Coverage sack.

loss -9 yds

none

Dong

Faced RT Michael Ohrer most of the day.Had 3 solos, 0 A's....2 slop stops and 1 Dong Sack.

2

2

vs. Seattle

4Q

no one

Came in totally untouched and unblocked, and teamed with McClendon to get a half-sack.

none

Dong

2 solos, 1 A.����� This sack was oringially ruled a HALF sack and then incorrectly changed to a "full sack" days after the game for no good reason.�� McClendon had at least 50% of this sack.��

--

3

@ Indy

none

N/A

no one

 

 

 

 

Had 2 solos, 3 A's.

 

4

@ Hou

none

N/A

no one

 

 

 

 

25 times blocked by a TE12 times by an OL.��� 8 times dropped into coverage.�� 8 times unblocked.�� 1 time double-teamed.4 solo, 1 A.

3

5

Tenn.

2Q

 

RB Ahmard Hall

Big LaMarr teamed with Hood for a coverage sack in the 2Q, when Hasseljack had plenty of time, and then spun around and simply fell to the ground like a coward.��

 

none

Dong

1 solo, 2 A.�� Also got a Dong INT when Keisel batted a pass and the ball popped 25 feet into the air for a simpletonistic Dong INT.

4

6

Jax

 

 

Backup RB Brock Balen

 

 

none

Dong

 

5

6

Jax

9:02 2Q

3d & 6

OG Guy Whimper

Big LaMarr was solo blocked by RT Guy Whimper, who until this season, had started all of one game in 4 (four) NFL seasons.�� The rookie QB, Gabbert, had all day, and finally took a coverage sack.

 

none

Dong

8 days later, Whimper was easily and savagely beaten -- without a whimper -- for a sack on nat'l TV by Balt. backup DE Paul Kreuger.Finished with 4 solos, 4 A's.

6

7

@ AZ

14:52 2Q

3d & 11

OG Rex Hadnot

 

 

none

Dong

 

7

7

@ AZ

10:06 3Q

1 & 10

Backup TE Jeff King

 

 

none

Dong

Had 5 solos & 2 A, not the 6 & 1 as listed in the boxscore

8

8

vs. N.E.

10:55 2Q

3d & 15

no one

stunted up C/G, untouched, for easy Dong Sack.

 

none

Dong

Had 2 solos, 0 A before leaving at 5:44 3Q with ham injury.

9

8

vs. N.E.

0:51 2Q

1 & 10

RT Sebastian Vollmer

LaMarr gave Vollmer an initial bull-shove, and Vollmer responded like Jon Scott -- collapsing backwards, and then doing nothing.

-7

none

Earned

Barely an earned sack, given the lackluster blocking effort by a rusty RT who hadn't played in over a month due to a bad back.

 

9

vs. Balt.

 

 

 

Did Not Play

 

 

 

 

 

10

@ Cinci

 

 

 

Did Not Play

 

 

 

 

 

11

@ KC

 

 

 

Did Not Play

 

 

 

 

 

12

vs. Cinci

 

 

 

 

 

 

0 solos, 1 A.

 

13

vs. Cleve

 

 

 

Did Not Play

 

 

 

 

 

14

@ San Fran

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 solos, 2 A.

 

15

vs. St Louis

 

 

 

Did Not Play

 

 

 

 

 

16

@ Clev

 

 

 

Did Not Play

 

 

 

 

 

17

@ Denv

 

 

 

Played, did nothing.��

 

 

 

2 slop stops, 0 A.�� Did absolutely nothing the entire game.

 

 

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.

 

Season totals for Big LaMarr, in 10 played games:

 

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks�: 8.0��

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 4

First downs allowed:11

TDs allowed:2

 

 

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