The GilDong Report (Game #13, vs. Houston)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Known
around the league as The Paper Tiger for his ability to compile
paper statistics, Jason GilDong had 2 solos and 4 assists (per the play-by-play
stats on NFL.com) against the offensively inept Texans -- far from the
absurd 6 solos and 1 assist that were listed in the post-game box score.����
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus lowly Houston:
- On 1st & 10 at 14:00,
Jason slightly slanted to the inside on a running play.� The backup TE, Jabari Holloway,
simply mauled Jason way to the inside.�
The RB read this and sauntered on a cutback through the gaping hole for
an easy 3-yard gain.�
- On the next play, Wells
took a handoff and ran to his right.��
At the snap, Jason was engaged by one, and only one, blocker -- a
converted WR & now a TE -- Little Billy Miller.� Miller -- all 230 pounds -- pushed and bullied Jason all the way
over to the sideline.� Luckily for the
Stillers, Wells -- benched recently for poor play -- is a slouchy RB and his
blocking wasn't much better.� Not having
any cutback room the way the play is designed to go, Wells took it waaay wide,
and Jason had a cake-easy push OOB with Flowers for the cheesy assist.� Just to clarify for Stillers.com fans --
wide runs are designed for the RB to run through an area about 15 inside
the sideline -- not along the sideline as some buffoons from the
"containment camp" would have you believe.� Priest Holmes, Curtis Martin, Emmit Smith, Rickey Williams --
NONE of them seek to run waaay wide by the sideline chalk.� Rather, their goal is to run a bit wide, and
then cutback to daylight due to over pursuit and tenacious blocking.�
- On the next play -- a 3d
& 7 -- Carr faded back to pass.�
Jason did his typical, fish hook Wide Loop Rush (WLR), which took him
about 19 feet beyond the QB.� As you can
see in the pics below, Carr has an alley as wide as Hollywood Blvd. to run
though��
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Just
look at Jason the Gimcrack has he gets shoved like a little girl on the school
playground, which puts him way out of position to disrupt, harass, or snare the
QB�
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Below,
the end zone angle provides equal comedic relief�.
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Carr
takes advantage of GilDong's blind stupidity, and gets one of only 3 first
downs all day.� But oh, lest we forget,
"we don't know Jason's assignment on that play".� After all, he could have been assigned to
loop waaaay beyond the pocket, for the purpose of doing nothing.� Who are we to say�.?�
- Two plays later, Carr
faded back on what was designed to be a quick 3-5 step drop and throw.� Instead, the rookie greenhorn held onto the
ball.� Meanwhile, Big Jason GilDong was
solo blocked on his pass rush by ONE man -- a RB.� Yes, as you can see below, Jason was solo blocked by rookie
FB Jarod Baxter, a man who gives up over 10 pounds to Big Jason.� The Dong was able to push back Baxter and
then veer to the QB.� Yes -- despite all
the sobbing and crying about how Jason is being blocked be 2, 3, even 4 men on
every play, here's living proof of a team that chose to block the big
he-man with ONE player -- a rookie RB.�
��� 
However,
as can plainly be seen, below, James Farrior (blue
arrow) chipped in on this stop.� It's
funny how the Heinz Field stat guys will go overboard to award Jason cheese
stats, going so far as to grossly inflate Jason's numbers for the postgame box
score, and in this instance, they remove an earned stat from Farrior and give
it to GilDong.�
�
Here's
the field angle view of this play, which again shows Farior (blue arrow) chipping in on the stop.�
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Due
to the cheesy nature of being solo blocked by a rookie RB while a rookie QB
held the ball too long on an obviously designed quick drop & pop,
coupled with the fact that Farrior earned a half-sack on this play but got
jobbed, Jason gets a Dong Sack on this play.�
-� On the next play, Carr faded back on 3d & 12.� As can clearly be seen below, Jason was
blocked by ONE man, the RT, Ryan Young.�
Jason was able to get under Young -- who was probably expecting more
foolhardy loop rushing from Jason -- and Jason got the sack, his third earned
sack of the season.� The greenhorned QB,
Carr, also fumbled on the play but recovered, giving Jason his 2nd strip/jar of
the season.
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The
field angle below shows that Jason -- despite the absurd cries from the GilDong
Apologists Association -- is being blocked by ONE, and only ONE, man.� No "chip blocks" from the TE, FB,
LG, WR, water boy, or team trainer.�
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For the most part, this was
it from Big Jason for the entire game.�
One series, a couple adequate plays, and Jason shot his wad for the day.� The rest of the day amounted to a lot of
standing around, a lot of tittyslapping, and a whopping 3 assists for the
he-man "pro bowler".
- On a 3d & 11 at 6:12
2Q, Porter sacked Carr while Jason (red arrow) was doing nothing.���
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After Carr was clearly
down, Jason (see below) nonetheless tried to jump on the side of Carr in a
pathetic attempt to fool the statisticians into giving him a cheesy half Dong
Sack.�
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Surprisingly, the hometown
stat guys -- who have their noses buried so far up Jason's butt that they have
to breathe through a scuba-diving apparatus -- weren't impressed enough to give
Jason yet another cheesy Dong sack.
-
On 2d & 10 at 3:47 2Q, Carr faded back to Pass while Jason took an inside
angle.� As is typical, Jason was sealed
inside as tightly as a Ziploc bag, while Carr easily scooted to the outside and
complete a pass to Miller for 9 yards.�
-
On 3d & 11 at 8:38 3Q, the Texans tried a screen pass.� On the NFL.com play-by-play, they annotate,
"coverage by #92, Gildon."�
Bah.� Jason dropped back into his
little short zone, and the play was right in front of him.� Carr was under heavy duress and essentially
threw this ball away, and as such, there was no "coverage" by Jason.
-
On a 1st & 10at 7:02 3Q, Allen took a HO up RT.� At the snap, Jason (red arrow)
slanted in and then got buried (as can be seen below) by the LG, Cameron
Spikes.� As Jason is heading toward a
forced dive into the turf, he manages to scrape his thumb against the leg of
Allen, who was stopped by James Farrior (blue
arrow).� As can be seen in the 2nd
photo, Farrior makes the stop while Jason is doing nothing while getting
literally buried into the Heinz Field turf, but his good butties up in
the stat section see fit to reward Jason with more cheese.� Somehow, for his thumb-scrape of the RB's
leg, Jason was awarded a cheezy assist.�
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-
2 plays later, Allen ran to his left.�
Jason was totally unblocked and untouched on this play, and actually ventured
over to the other side of the field with some pep in his step -- a remarkable
turnaround from a man who's spent the entire season jogging and jaking on plays
like this.� In a rare fit of NFL-like
linebacking, Jason contributed a nice assist with Hampton on this play.
-
Of course, it couldn't last too long.�
On the very next play, the Texans ran a draw play and gave the ball to
Allen up RG.� GilDong -- a 9-year
veteran -- was still backpedaling even after the handoff to Allen had
occurred.�
-
On a 1st & 10 at 13:00 4Q, Allen ran up the gut.� Jason was mostly ignored and sliced in and got a from-the-back
assist on the tackle for his 4th and final assist.
-
On 1st & 10 at 5:40 4Q, Carr was under heavy pressure from KenBell, and
basically threw the ball away to avoid the sack.� What's funny about this play, is that Big Jason GilDong was back
in coverage.� Yes, according to Ron
Cook, Jerry DiPaola, and company, the other defenders are getting pressure only
because Big Jason GilDong is drawing the attention of 2, 3, even 4
blockers.� Kind of humorous when that
no-brained, imbecilic theory blows up from a whole lot of bad gas and hot air.
To summarize:�
Jason had 2 solos -- both obtained in the very first series of the game
-- and 4 assists, not the "6 solos and 1 assist" as advertised in the
postgame box score.� One solo was a
cheesy Dong sack that was actually a half-sack, and 3 of the assists were
cheesy enough for Kraft specifications.�
It's no coincidence, of course, that perhaps Jason's best game of the
season came against the very worst offense in the NFL.� Yep, the 32nd ranked Texans offense, with
little skill, little talent, and much ineptitude, and Jason manages to have --
at least on paper -- an adequate game.�
And don't forget� -- combine the
totally inept, sorry Houston offense with their going into turtle mode with the
big lead, and the Stillers enormous TOP advantage, and you have a game in which
Jason simply didn't have the chance to be exposed and embarrassed to the extent
that he usually is.�
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but
Jason was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays in which the
QB ran, Jason rushed the QB 9 times, while dropping back in coverage 5
times.� And not once was Jason
double-teamed, nor was he ever triple or quadruple teamed.�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� And you've been
presented photos that show Jason clearly being single blocked.� But sure enough, we'll hear experts like Ron
Cook and members of the GAA, who will tell you how badly Jason is being picked
on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every play.�
It's high time the
Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The
Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends
little energy, does nothing, and is clearly inferior to 3rd-year LB Clark
Haggans.� It's also high time the
supposed captain and leader look in the mirror and start accepting blame and
responsibility, as I
noted a few weeks ago in response to GilDong's pathetic grouching and
bellyaching.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next
week.� Soon enough, you'll join the
legions of Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of
The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth
about what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 13 games:
Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks�: 3.5
Bullshit "sacks" on plays that actually netted positive rushing
yardage:� 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 19
First downs allowed: 30
TDs allowed:� 5
