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The WoodenDong Report (Game #7, @ Arizona)

October 27, 2011 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report(Game #7, @ Arizona)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��



Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.

In the game against the lowly 1-4 Cards, Big LaMarr had perhaps his best game of the year, albeit far from an All-Pro, studly performance.�� He managed to get on/the stat sheet -- causing many writers and fans to proclaim �He�s back� --but the grim reality was that it was mostly just another stad-padding endeavor by a mediocre player.��


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 6 solos and 1 assist.In reality, he had FIVE solos and 2 assists, and the stats were chock full of Dong stops.On paper, it looks liked Big LaMarr had a �monster game�, but it was loads of gooey slop.���

Here�s what Big LaMarr did:



�� - On the 2d series of the game, Big LaMarr had the rarest of accomplishments -- shedding the block and nabbing Wells for a quality solo stop.�� Stop the presses!�� Big LaMarr actually SHED a block on a ground play !��

�� - on 3d & 11 (an obvious passing down) early in the 2Q, LaMarr was SOLO blocked by a GUARD on an over-load blitz, in which the Stillers overloaded their left side and overwhelmed the right side of the Jax line.�� LaMarr got a Dong Sack for a 7-yard loss.��

��� - on a 1st & 1 at 7:25 2Q, Wells ran up a nice fissure up right tacklefor 6 yards.LaMarr teamed with Taylor for an assist, per the play by play on, Woodley didn�t have 6 solos and 1 assist, but rather 5 solos and 2 assists.

�� - On a Wells run in the 2Q, Timmons pounced on Wells on a stutter-plunge.As this was happening, Big LaMarr was literally on his hands and knees -- like a complete asspump -- and Wells fell into LaMarr as he was being tackled for a 6-yard gain.�� For this heroic effort, LaMarr got a slop assist.��


�� - in the 3Q, Smith ran up a nice hole up the gut, and gained a huge chunk of yardage.Big LaMar got a slop stop at the 11-yard dash.��


�� - On the very next play, Smith ran to his left, and then cut back.Big LaMarr was barely nudge-blocked and then left ALONE, and he barreled into Smith for an easy solo stop.��


�� -On the next play, Big LaMarr was SOLO blocked by backup TE Jeff King and then got a fingernail grab of Kolb�s jersey for a Dong Sack.�� The Committee doesn�t award a legit sack when beating a no-name scrub backup TE.���


�� - Late in the 3Q, with the Cards pinned near their GL after a punt, Big LaMarr was left totally unblocked and untouched.�� He then rushed into the empty backfield and harassed Kolb into a hasty TA that was ruled grounding in the EZ for a safety.��� Again, though.....this was hardly some earth-shattering, he-man play.�� The man was totally untouched and unblocked, and he simply ventured into the backfield and harassed a horribly mediocre QB into a grounding.���


As you can see, when you peel back the reality of what actually occurred on the gridiron, you can clearly see that it wasn�t quite the dominant effort that the Pittsburgh media and the stats sheet purports.�� He had a couple of Dong sacks;one when he was in an OVERLOAD blitz and beat a guard, and the other when he was SOLO blocked by backup TE Jeff King.�� LaMarr was lauded with a �forced safety� on an intentional grounding when he was totally unblocked and untouched.��� He had a few other slop stops, including the ridiculous credit for a solo on a plunge that gained 11 yards, and a slop assist on a play where The Dogger was literally on his hands and knees, doing nothing, when the RB ran into a nearby pile.��� He also had a sloppy pass rush, going was too far upfield, allowing Kalb to scramble up a huge fissure for 11 yards in the 2Q.�� Of course, shit plays like that don�t show up on any stat sheet.



Big hits?NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� Very, very little, aside from unblocked plays and overloaded blitzes.��� Harassment ?�� Very, very little.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� Little.His �big plays� came when he was totally unblocked, or SOLO blocked by a backup TE.


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 7 games:


Earned Sacks: 0

Dong Sacks�: 7.0��

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0

Flailing Whiffs: 3

First downs allowed:11

TDs allowed:1



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