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Stillers-Chefs Postgame Analysis and Grades

January 16, 2017 by Still Mill

Stillers 18, Chefs 16 ……. Jan 15, 2017………AFC Divisional Playoff
Stillers-Chefs Postgame Analysis and Grades


The Stillers went to Arrowhead to face the 12-4 Chefs.   Despite completely dominating the entire 1H, the Stillers went to the locker room with a flimsy 12-7 lead.     The domination continued in the 3Q, but only a weak-assed FG was added, as was in the 4Q.   Late in the game, the Chefs went on a lonngggggg 13-play march for a TD, and scored an apparent tying 2-pointer.   However, a ticky-tack holding flag negated the score, and the ensuring 2-point pass was busted up.     4 quarters of playing GRAB ASS against a weak-assed foe in an unnecessarily frustrating game.    




Dogshit pass on opening play, nearly INTd by the NT, Poe.  Shitty, underthrown deep ball to AB, 2nd series, but AB saved his bacon with a stellar grab.   Barf-spewing pass off the mark to Bell, on a 3d & 10, 2Q, which forced a FG.  Just prior, he should have had a TD pass to AB, but AB allowed the ball to be raked out as he was falling to the turf in the EZ.   With the Stillers poised to take a commanding 16-7 lead in the 2Q, with the ball at the KC 5, Shitlesberger threw a low pass that was deflected by an UNTOPUCHED OLB and then INTd in the EZ for a crushing INT.  Ben failed to get the offense ready and to get the snap off a 3d & 4, late 2Q.  (On the next play (3d & 9), Bell gained 17.)   Ben pretty much did jack dick in the 2H, aside from the late-game completion to AB that salted away the game.   Passed only 8 times, as I recall, in the 2H.  Was far, far too timid the entire game, wanting any receiver to be at least 19 feet in the clear before he passed him the pigskin.     Not nearly a good enough performance tonite.    B-  



Bell - stellar run on 3d & 9 for a huge 1st down, late 2Q.   Ripped off a 38-yard run to open the 3Q.   Had 30 rushed for a Stiller playoff record 170, but only 2 grabs for MINUS 4 yards.     A


DeAngelo – never permitted to play, AT ALL, on offense.   Just bizarre.   They’ll send Hamilton and Ayers out there for 35 snaps a game, but somehow can’t get DW onto the field.  


Toussaint - thankfully did not dress (concussion).



D. Johnson, Nix -   Nix threw a couple solid lead blocks for Bell.  



Brownie – stellar grab on poorly thrown deep ball, 1Q, good for 52 yards.  Failed to haul in a tough, high out pass on 3rd down, 1Q, which would have moved the chains.  Dropped a sure TD, early 2Q, in which he allowed the DB to rake the ball loose as AB was falling to the ground.    Snared the late-game pass to seal the W.    Had 6 grabs for 106, but the dropped TD was unacceptable.    He added salt to the wound by posting the locker room speeches just after the game -- you know, the ones that are considered PRIVATE -- on Facebook, thereby giving the Pats plenty of fuel for their fire.   Brilliant !    B-    


Coates - as always, did nothing.  


Rogers - clutch grab, 1st drive, for the game’s first 1D.   Good grab on tough out pass, 1Q.  Grabbed a pass late in the game.    Had 5 for 27.      B


Heyward-Gay – never targeted.  


Hamilton - good grab of an awful, low pass, 2Q.    Lone grab.      Inc


Ayers - had 1 grab for 6.   



Jesse James - good grab and churning RAC, 1st drive.  On the next play, he climbed the ladder and grabbed a high pass for 16 yards.   Hauled in a deep seamer on a fake WR screen, 2Q, which gained 26.  Snared a pass, 4Q, while kneeling, and then seemed to take an eternity to get up and gain a few more yards.      Had 5 for 83.     B


Grimble - never involved in the passing game.  


Green - this worthless piss-ass again sat out with a concussion. 


OL:  Overall, Overall, the line gave Ben good time and opened tons of creases for Bell.   The lone sack was a coverage sack.    And amazingly, these vaunted meatheads didn’t commit their weekly false start.  A- 


Villeneueva -  held up well on the blind side.  


Gilbert -  FatAss Marcus played ok.  


Foster –  solid game.  


Pouncey - feebly whiffed on a draw play block, early 3Q, which got Bell nabbed for 1 yard.   B+


DeCastro –  Good maul block on early Bell run. 



Hargrave - was somehow in coverage on Ware on a key 3d & 7, 2Q, but fortunately Ware dropped the pass near the sidelines from the scrambling Smith. 


McCullers - did little, if anything.  


Tuitt – good rush, and a near sack, 1st play of 3Q.  Had 1 solo.  Sure as shit, there will be at least 7 articles this week, fawning over this fellow as though he were the next Reggie White.      C 


Walton - did little. 


Matthews - Dicardo did not dress (ankle).



Timmons – got tooled on a deep seamer by Kelce, but the big TE dropped the pass, late 3Q.     Bizarre, quiet game with just 1 assist and Zero solos.     B-


Shaquier –  Got a Dong INT off of Dupree’s stellar belt of the QB, which popped the pass up into the air like a mortar.  Near the end of the 1H, took a completely assaholic personal foul - hit to the QB’s mask, when he stupidly allowed his hand to make contact with Smith’s facemask.  Had 5 solos and 1 A.      B


Moats - thankfully didn’t play on D.


Harrison – stopped a run for -1, 2nd play of 3Q.   Abused the LT for a key sack on 3d & 7, 3Q.   Drew the holding flag on the 2-point conversion, which forced KC to have to try again from the 12.   Had 5 solos, including 3 tackles for loss.   Another strong, stellar effort.  A


Jones –  subbed for Harrison on a few plays, 4Q. 


Chickillo - did not dress (ankle)


Vinnie W. - not permitted to play on D. 


Dupree –  forced the 2Q INT when he smacked the arm of the QB, which forced a high, lollipop pass that was INTd by Shaz..   Busted up a WR screen, next series.  Had 4 solos.     A-



Mitchell – played Kelce like shit on the 24-yard pass, mid 4Q, and then failed to bring him down without allowing an extra 4 yards.  Had 3 solos.    B- 


Gay  -  smelled out a shovel pass, 4Q, and nabbed Kelce for no gain.   


Cockrell - nearly interfered with Kelce on a 3rd down seamer, very early 3Q.   On at least 40% of the time in the NFL, this would have been flagged.  On the next series, he was flagged for a bullshit PI flag when he rode a WR during a shitty pass that was nowhere close to the WR.  On a key 3d & 20, late 3Q, he was waaay too soft and tentative on a deep out to Macklin, which gained 20 yards and moved the sticks.   A completely shit-licking play.   Had 5 solos and 1 A.     B-


Burns - Way too soft on Macklin on a 1Q pass from the PIT 13.     What, he was worried about a deep route into the bleachers??   Good fight-off of block on a 3d WR screen, 1Q, stopping Hill short of the sticks.    Got tooled on a deep route, mid 4Q, but a barfy pass by Smith precluded a huge gain or even a TD.   On the very next play, Smith tried a deep ball on Burns, but Burns played this well and busted it up.   B


Davis - drilled a KC WR on a crucial 3D at 5:43 4Q that he busted up, but was flagged for a hit on a defenseless receiver.   This gave KC a 1D at the PIT 12.   It’s hard for me to fault Davis on this play, as the ball was clearly in the WR’s hands and a hit needed to be delivered to dislodge the ball, and the initial hit was with the shoulder pad, although the helmet did make contact as well.   Atoned by busting up the 2-pointer from the 12-yard line a few plays later.    B


Justin Gilbert - no  PT on D.  


Spec tseams:  

Jordan Berry – punted for the first time late 3Q.   Angled it OOB to avoid Hill, but the result was a shit-eating 35-yard punt that gave KC the ball on the PIT 46.  This was his lone punt.    C- 


Boswell – Shitty first KO, a squib to the 20, which was easily returned to the KC 45.   Booted 4 FGs in the 1H.   Had a weak, low KO to the 5 to start the 2H, but Hill slipped as he ran past the 22-yard line.   Booted a playoff record 6 FGs.    A+


Vinnie W. drilled Hill on a 1Q KO return, with Jarvis providing an assist.   Jarvis and Dangerfield stuffed Hill on KO coverage, late 1H.  Vinnie again spearheaded the KO coverage in the 3Q after a FG, nailing Hill at the 20.


AB – had a 6 yard punt return, 2Q, which was probably his longest in weeks. 


Gilbert - after rotting the ENTIRE season, he was finally permitted to play.   Nice KO return on opening KO, to his own 30.   Stupidly ran BACKWARDS on the late KO return.   Apparently no one told him that the HANDS TEAM was on the field, and thus there was no blocking.   Here’s the bigger issue -- why in the fuk wasn’t Gilbert instructed to allow the ball to BOUNCE, and roll into the EZ for a TOUCHBACK ????  The ball was caught, on the fly, at the 5, meaning it more than likely had enough forward momentum to hit the turf and skip into the EZ.  Instead of starting at their own 5, they could have started at their own 25.  



I despised the early 2nd & 2 from the KC  5.   Bell was simply GASHING the Chef defense on that opening march.  But instead, Fuking Haley gets cute, and some grab-assed pass play with no purpose (zero PAP, no mid direction, no nothing) was completely smothered, and Ben threw the ball away.   On 3fd & 2, a little dumpoff to Rogers was tackled a yard short of the sticks.    Instead of sticking a knife into the throat of KC with the early TD, Haley lets them off the hook with a chickenshit FG.  

Then, in the 2Q, the ground game slashed thru the Chef defense like a hot knife thru moldy butter.  Sure as shit, however, on a 1st down at the FIVE, Fuking Haley gets all pass-happy and greedy, and the ensuing pass is tipped and INTd in the EZ.   Supposedly, Ben checked out of the playcall on this play. 


5 1st half possessions..…4 FGs, and an INT in the EZ on a 1st & goal from the 5. 


The 2nd half was more of the same…….plenty of yardage, and then settling for faggott-fuk FGs.   Gotta love that Haley strategy……Bell slashes down the field at like 12 yards a crack, and then TWICE, with the ball at the KC FIVE, Bell is complete written out of the script so that Ben can stand around and fling the ball to….no one.      Offensive creativity - NONE.    Offensive ingenuity - NONE.   Finding ways to get DHB, Grimble, and Ayers involved - NONE.    D+



Keith Assler faced a very ordinary Chef offense with Alex Smith at the helm….the king of the 4-yard pass.   

Opening march -- as easy as pie, Smith calmly completes passes of 21, 7, 8, and 5 for the TD.    Interspersed were cake-easy runs of 7 and 7.     Zap…..just like that, the early 3-0 lead gets pissed away by Keith Assler faster than a cat can piss on a sofa. 


2nd and 25, 8:004Q, and Assler’s defense is fuking befuddled, allowing an easy 17-yard completion.  The Chefs dicked around on the ensuing 3D to force a 4th down, and of course they casually and easily completed a 12-yard pass to move the chains.   The Chefs kept marching…and marching…….13 plays for a late TD.    The Chefs scored the typing 2 points on a 2-pointer, but a ticky-tack flag on the LT for holding negated the score and saved Assler from embarrassment.       C- 


HC:  This was the kind of playoff game Mike Dumblin is infamous for.    Totally whipping an inferior opponent, they play grab-ass and settle for FG after FG after FG.   Stoogelin talks all sorts of bravado….until the playoffs, when he promulgates a meek, chickenshit brand of football that is so bland and conservative it makes Marty Shittenheimer look like a riverboat gambler.   This is ass-puckering football come playoff time, Stoogelin-style.     C- 


Synopsis:  An uninspiring win over a marginal, ordinary foe that was clearly getting whipped and dominated.  Here’s a neat strategy - - Completely dominate an obviously inferior opponent yet try really hard to lose, then luckily pull out 2 point win.  Highly unlikely to work next week, especially with the way Bellichick has traditionally used Asslin like his own personal bitch.   On to Boston for the AFCC, where the Stillers will face Tom Lady and the hated Gaytriots. 


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

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