Stillers 24, Cowpokes 19..... Nov 8, 2020 …………Game # 8
Stillers-Cowpokes Postgame Analysis and Grades
The 7-0 Stillers mosied down to Dallas to face the bumbling, downtrodden, 2-6 Cowpokes. It had all the look n’ feel of a Mike Stoogelin egg lay, but…..naw, against this hideous, woeful Crackboy team, surely they couldn’t piss this one away, could they?? By golly, not only could they, but they did everything they could to piss this one away, pulling it off by the skin of Keith Buttler’s dick, for a weak, uninspiring win over the lowly Pokes.
Grades:
QB: Ben had a spotty game, with a host of mis-fires. Bomb, 1st series, into DOUBLE coverage. 3d & 3, 2Q, and he throws a lil’ babyfied lollipop to Dionte that was woefully behind the receiver. Late 2Q, overthrew an open Carpool on a deep ball by 12 feet, which has happened to various WRs at least 28 times this season. Overthrew Carpool AGAIN on a deep ball, 4Q. To his credit, he engineered the comeback, but this is starting to eerily remind me of 2018, when the team would play grab-ass for 3 quarters and then expect Ben to pull the Houdini act in the 4Q. It’s not a recipe for sustained success, and this team is playing with fire. B-
RB:
Conner – good blitz pickup on the 3rd down completion to Ebron, late 2Q. That’s pretty much the extent of his contributions. Had 9 carries for 22 yards, and 2 grabs for minus-2. Failed to get the HALF yard needed on the late 4th down, giving Dall one last shot. C
Samuels – played sparingly, and as usual, did nothing. C-
Snell – Ran 3 plunges for, hold yer laughter, ONE fuking yard. C
McFarland – Had 3 carries for 7. In a STUNNING surprise, the team actually used this SCATBACK as a pass receiver, and he responded with 2 grabs for 15. I was disappointed in his lack of power and ability to fall forward after contact. Damn, he’s a complete zero in this department. B-
FB: Watt, the pansie, against sat out. I have no patience for brittle, Yancy-like pansies.
WR:
JuJu – Much like last week, came alive in the 2H, and sparked the O with several grabs and RACs, along with a TD in which his 2nd effort got him into paydirt. A-
Wash - ran a slugo (slant n go) for TD pass, late 2Q. Oddly enough, he was only targeted one other time and had just the one grab. B
Dionte - had a huge RAC, late 4Q, on a 41-yard play. Seemed to slip an awful lot, and had at least 3 plays where he didn’t seem to be on the same page as the QB. Had 6 grabs for 77. B-
Claypool – allowed deep ball, 1st series, to go right thru his hands. Very poor. Tripped over his own feet on 14 yard slant that shoulda gained 5 more. Stellar grab of high out pass, late 2Q. Imitated a basketball hoop, late 3Q, and allowed a pass to go rite thru his hands. Was far too casual, and DROPPED a low out pass, 4:03 4Q.
I wasn’t overly enthralled with his effort on the late 3d & 4 jet sweep. Sure, he didn’t want to go OOB, but I thought he gave up on the run too quickly and went to the turf too quickly. During the game, completely misread TWO deep balls, like a 5-year old trying to judge a deep fly ball. Very, very disappointing. Had no idea he has zero ability to track downfield lobs. I also wasn’t fond how he didn’t continue his route on the late 2-pointer…you DRAW a flag here if nothing else. C+
RayRay – Had 2 grabs for 16. I like his RAC ability and his willingness to fight for tough yards. B
TE:
McDonald – had 1 grab for 2 yards. I wasn’t enthralled with his blocking decision when pulling on the late 4th & 1. He byassed the inside guy, which is precisely who you have to block on 4th & 1. C+
Ebron – stupidly committed a hold on 1st and FIVE, late 3Q. Redeemed himself by hopping over the tackler and scoring the winning TD late in the 4Q. Had 3 grabs for 22. B
OL: Overall, the line pass blocked decently, but the run-blocking sucked ass. All this money invested in DeAsstro, Pouncey, Villa ….and these ass-humps can’t run block to save their fuking lives. In the 1H, 3d & 1, and 4th and 1, and this vaunted, overrated Oline didn’t get jack shit for a push. Late in the game, they couldn’t close out the game on a simple 4th and TWO FEET.
Pouncey got thrown aside, late 2Q, when Ben got hit in the knee. Villa got completely humiliated and WHIFFED on the DE on a 3rd down pass, mid 3Q. None of these 5 fellows should be walking around all too pround tomorrow after this half-assed effort. C-
DL:
Heyward – The $65M Man was fairly quiet most of the game. But, he had a good pressure on the QB, 2Q. Then had pressure on the Minkah INT, 4Q. And then bullrushed and whipped the OG and nabbed the QB for the 4th down sack late in the game. It’s nice when a fellow earns at least a small portion of his outrageous salary. B+
Tuitt – Got a TFL, 2d series. That was pretty much it the rest of the game. Last week’s DPOW had 4 mouse-quiet solos, and rarely disrupted or wreaked havoc at’all. C-
Alu – sat out with a knee injury.
Buggs – Had 3 solos in a mediocre effort. Who knew AluAlu was so vitally important?? B-
Mondeaux – whiffed on the scrambling Gilbert, 1H, allowing a hefty gainer. Mondont (he usually dont do shit) finally did SOMETHING productive, stuffing a run for no gain with 5 minutes left in the 4Q. B-
LB:
Vinnie – big lick and stop on toss sweep, 2Q. Led the D with 8 total tackles; 6 solo. Adequate job of run stuffing. B
Spillane – Had 6 solos, but struggled like a bitch, continually getting sealed off, or dragged for more yardage. Is rabidly starting to get exposed as each week goes by. C
Watt – Batted a pass, 2Q. Got abused in downfield coverage on a WR for a TD, 2Q…hard for me to ridicule the player when a dumb-assed coach assigns an OLB to cover a fleet WR. Forced an inc pass, early 3Q, by quickly harassing the QB. Had 2 more batted passes in the 2H. Helped clean up Gilbert on the 4th down sack after Scam Heyward was playing butterfingers with the QB, late 4Q. On the play prior, Watt nearly committed the gaffe of the game. He rushed in, and had the QB completely WRAPPED UP with 2 arms….yet someone allowed the QB to slither a bit and hit Zeke with a short pass. Only Haden’s heady tackle staved off what could have been a huge gainer. B-
Crud Dupree – Rolled the DONUT in the 1H, with zero stats of any nature. The Donut Roller, Crud DuPree! Early 3Q, got totally bamboozled on an end around, good for an easy EIGHT yards. Then, on a key 3rd and 5, he was easily SOLO blocked by a lineman, and never disengaged, allowing a GAPING hole up left tackle for an easy TWELVE yard gainer and a 1st down. Ya won’t see the stat for a shit play like this, because football doesn’t lend itself to stats the way MLB does. But a shit play is a shit play. Crud got a Dong hit on the QB, 4Q, when the rush from OTHER players flushed the Qb. Crud finally got a solo, when deep into the 4Q, he managed to haul down a RB after a healthy FIVE yard gain. But hey, Crud is so vaunted, and is such a studly he-man. D
A. Williamson – the new LB acquired via trade sat and rotted, near as I can tell. After all, who needs Avery when ya have Spillane dominating on the field ??
Odeniyi – Saw only a few snaps.
Lowsmith – Saw some work in the 1H, but then his PT seemed to wane.
DB
Haden – Pretty solid game. As noted above, his heady, alert tackle of Zeke saved huge yardage late in the 4Q. B
Nelson – tackled like a complete pussy on Zeke, on 3d and TWLEVE, 3Q, which allowed Zeke to turn a 5 yard gain into 16. Plays like this stick in my craw for a long time. C
Hilton – Again sat out with the shoulder.
Edmunds – As usual, did little. Had 3 solos and 0 PDs. C
Minkah - had a Dong fumble recovery when the ball popped right into his hands, late 2Q. He then ran AWAY from DAYLIGHT, backwards, on his fumble recovery. Had a key INT in EZ in the 4Q; wish he had taken the knee so that the O could start on the 20. B
Sutton – abused by Cooper, 1st series, for 32 yards. Got a FF, late 2Q. Had 4 solos. B
Spec teams:
Jordan Charry– punted 4 times for a very solid 50 yard avg. Had a good 57 yard boot, 1Q. Sending this sorry-ass to the unemployment line in Aug was the best thing this club could have done. A
Boswell – Missed a PAT, late 1H, like a complete jackass. Tried a 54-yard FG on final play of 1H, but was woefully pulled to the left. A false start forced a re-kick from 59, and this time, Pis Boswell nailed it to make it 13-9 at the half. Booted a FG in the 2H, but had a PAT blocked. Executed a perfect pooch KO after the Schuster TD, but the coverage team covered like ass, which wasn’t his fault. B-
RayRay – had a solid KO return, 1Q.
The punt coverage team clumsily allowed a throw-back trick play that nearly scored a TD; the resulting spot was pushed back from the PIT 10 to the 31 due to an illegal block by Dallas. Just a complete lack of presence and awareness on this play.
Scam Heyward was flagged for a false start, late 1H. Although the FG was no good; had it been good, it obviously takes the 3 points off the board. In a bizarre sequence, Scam’s assaholic false start gave Boswell a 2nd chance, from 59, and Bos was able to make it.
Early 4Q, a blocked PAT by Dall made the score 19-15. It was the same RG-C gap that was exploited on the 59-yard FG try and during the entire game.
There was a 15 yard penalty on Dall after the Schuster TD, so Bos kicked off from the 50, and booted a PERFECT pooch KO to the GL, about 10 feet from the PYLON. Sure as fuk, this softee, ill-prepared team just LAID FLAT on their kick coverage, and the Dall returner took it up that same sideline 64 yards to the PIT 36.
The late 4th & 1 at the Dall 15 screamed for a FG, what with 43 seconds left in a 5 point game. But no, because this fuking gradeschool Special Teams couldn’t figure out how to block the RG-Center gap, the team was terrified to try a CHIP SHOT FG, and instead ran a hopeless counter play on 4th down. THIS is precisely what occurs when your spec teams are a steaming pilo shit. All in all, a day of ineptitude and gaffes on Spec Teams. F
OC: Randy Sphincter again oversaw the usual piss, slop, n’ vomit in the 1H. 3d & 1, early 2Q, and Sphincter orders a gut plunge…with McFarland, the scatback ! Fuking brilliant! Of course, it was stuffed for no gain. After a Dall TO, Sphincter orders another plunge, with Snell, which was easily stuffed for no gain. What enraged me on both plunges was that this offense has benefitted from running mostly Carpool (or another WR) in motion on these kind of plays, which forces the D to hesitate for the jet sweep handoff. Today, Sphincter, the fuking genius that he is, never ran MOTION, at all, on any short yardage plunges, and all were stuffed. Why in the fuk??? What in the fuk?? This is Cro Magnon football scheming at its worst.
1st half drives against 1 of the very worst Defenses in the NFL: punt, punt, downs, punt. And then finally a TD, and then a FG thanks to the Dall fumble.
In the 2H, the running game was completely thrown out the window. I assume they went “playground ball”, just like last week vs. Balt, with Ben calling the vast majority of the plays. Which renders the obvious question – what the fuk do they need an OC if they’re going go completely ignore the fellow the entire 2H of every game? I assume Sphincter had a hand in the late 4th & 1 playcall…..a COUNTER play that took about 7 seconds to develop, and allowed Dall to easily slash in to blow up the entire play. Against this defense, you needed a quick hitting dive play there, not a counter play. Or, for fuk’s sake, try a PASS, because an incomplete pass does nothing more to stop the clock than a 4-yard loss on a running play, as the loss of downs stops the clock regardless. D-
DC:
Keith Assler had the luxury of facing an inept, 5th string QB making his FIRST career start; the star RB who was questionable with a hamstring; and an O that hadn’t scored a TD in the past 2 games.
Sure as shit, of course, Assler promptly allows this inept, pilo shit offense to march from their own 15 for 65 easy yards, before booting a chipshot FG to take the early 3-0 lead. Then, a short while later, Assler promptly allowed an 8 play, 65 yard TD drive to give the Pokes a 10-0 lead. This TD was enabled when Assler, on a 3rd down, had the brilliant idea in using Watt on DOWNFIELD pass coverage….on a fleet WR, for an easy Cowpoke TD. Fuking brilliant !!
The Pokes got the 2H KO, and began at their own 23. Sure as fuking shit, they marched, and marched, and marched for 10 plays, and then booted a routine 45-yard FG to boost the lead to 16-9. THIS is losing fuking football. Your vaunted D should come out after halftime – after having their asses whipped most of the 1H -- against an inept 5th string QB, and hunt bear, kick ass, and force a 3 & out.
On the next drive, the Pokes began at the 25. And again, they jammed the ball down Assler’s throat, on ELEVEN plays that chewed a shit-ton of clock and enabled a chipshot 39-yard FG to make it a 10-point game.
3rd drive on 2H, the Pokes began at the Pit 36. They ripped off 5 plays and instantly were down to the 5. Only a bumbling pass by the awful Gilbert enabled an INT by Fitz in the EZ.
When the Stillers turned the ball over on downs at the Dall 15, with just 38 seconds left in the game, the casual fan would think the game was pretty much over. Uh, fuk no, not with this softee defense. Fuk no! Are you fuking kidding me?? Sure as shit, Gilbert hits a 32 yard pass to set up shop at the Pit 49. And then it went into nailbiter city, with the Pokes, just like last week, having a legit shot at the GW TD in the final seconds. Keith Assler – the only coach in the NFL capable of making Garrett Gilbert look like a reincarnation of Roger Staubach. F-
HC: Mike Asslin will surely be all proud of this win. All proud over beating a shitty-assed, clumsy-fuk team that will be lucky to win 4 games all season long. This was yet another classic, typical Stoogelin egg-lay, with the usual recipe for horrific disaster:
- Slumbering offense that spent most of the first 3 quarters slopping around
- Tepid, meek defense that can’t tackle, can’t pressure, and makes a bumbling offense look like the 1994 San Fran 49ers.
- Awful spec teams that fuk the dawg at pretty much each and every opportunity. (How in the fuking flaming hell, as this level of football, can you not execute the simple interior BLOCKING on a FG/PAT attempt, not just once, but the entire fuking game?)
It’s quite obvious this team took the entire week off, and their preparation was pure vomit. F
Synopsis: I myself don’t get all proud over beating a hapless, inept foe by the length of a mouse’s pecker. This game was a shitshow from 1Q thru the 4Q, and only a few generous flags in the 4Q by the Cowpokes helped pull victory from defeat. I sure as hell won’t be crowing over this flimsy-assed win any time soon. And frankly, a team almost always learns more from a loss than a flimsy win. At this point, this haughty, over-hyped team is in desperate need of some lesson-learning, and fast. The warts are getting worse and worse by the week, and throwing high quality Glidden paint on a bucket of manure doesn’t make the bucket look, or smell, any better.
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