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The GilDong Report (Oct. 17th)

October 17, 2000 by Still Mill


The GilDong Report (Oct. 17th, '00)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong�s 11 sacks in �98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I devoted considerable time last season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '00, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he is.

Due to The GilDong Report gaining some media attention for the 2nd consecutive season, I'd like to briefly explain the work that goes into The GilDong Report. During each Stiller satellite broadcast, I take copious notes on each and every play. This isn't a case where I'm carousing around a crowded sports bar, with a beer in one hand and a waitress in the other. (That's typically only on Friday nites�yuk yuk) The day following the Stiller game, I re-watch the entire game on videotape, usually beating the hell out of my VCR remote by watching most plays 3 or 4 times, & again taking some more notes. Aside from coaching staffs of NFL teams other than the Stillers, there's simply not many people in the country who study a team so closely, nor study one player for this kind of regular, comprehensive analysis.

Gildon had a game versus Cinci, in which the casual fan, inundated with the local media fawning over Gildon and seeing Gildon record a sack and a stop of a fake FG, might think Gildon had a pretty solid day.

In fact, this was Gildon's worst game of the season. If you've read my post-game report, I gave Gildong a poor grade�but that was before I broke down the tape. After watching the tape, I'd like to go back; retract the grade, and issue another one�albeit lower. If Gildon had taken two steps forward previously this season as an NFL linebacker, he quickly retreated 2 steps with a meek, cowardly effort more befitting a librarian than a starting NFL linebacker.

Gildon finished the game with 2 solos and 2 assists, with 1 sack. On paper, that seems adequate, but let's peel back the onion and see what really occurred.

Gildon 1st tackle came halfway thru the 1st period. On a 3rd and 7, Smith dropped back for nearly an eternity, without an ounce of pressure at all. Finally, Sullie and Porter broke thru and nearly got Smith, who squirted away. Finally, Gildong, who'd actually been bullied BACK to the orginal line of scrimmage during his attempted pass rush, stepped in and got the slop sack. From the time the ball was snapped, till GilDong made contact with Smith, a full 8 seconds had elapsed. Obviously, this qualifies as a Dong Sack, which is Jason's specialty.

Jason's only other solo came at 12:34 of the 2nd quarter, on the fake FG. The holder received the snap and ran toward the outside flank of his line. Both DeWayne and Porter smelled this trick play, and both were eagerly waiting on the holder-turned-runner. This shrewd snuff by Porter and Washington forced Gardocki to hurriedly pitch the ball back to the kicker, Rackers. However, this sloppy pitch never reached Rackers, and the ball hit the turf before Rackers awkwardly scooped it up. By this time, the entire defense was ready to pounce on Rackers, and Gildon just happened to be the closest man to the ball. As it was, Gildon had a chance to annihilate Rackers by picking him up and driving him hard into the turf, but GilDong was content to meekly fall into Rackers, in order to not hurt the Brownie kicker.

This was IT for the production of Jason Gildong against the Bungals. Gildon got a Dong Sack, and a solo stop of a bumbling kicker trying to scoop up a pitchout on a hopeless fake FG.

Gildon did have 1 decent QB pressure. At 2:04 of the 1st quarter, he got some pressure on Smith in the end zone, and combined with Sullie coming from the outside, it forced Smith to throw the ball away.

Otherwise, Gildon should have bought a ticket for this game, since he stood around spectating during the vast majority of the game. He clumsily missed a sack of Smith at 10:59 of the 1st quarter. At 13:45 of the 2nd quarter, Gildon was manhandled by McGee on a Dillon run up RT. Jason flailed at Dillon as the RB cruised by for an easy 5-yard gainer. At 11:29 of the 2nd, Gildon got an assist with Kimo, on a play in which Dillon had to bounce the play wide due to a lack of a hole up the middle. The play that enraged me, especially while viewing it on tape, came at about 11:20 of the 3rd quarter. Dillon received a short 2-yard dump pass in the left-middle of the Stiller defense. Gildon, set up in a sort of short zone as the left OLB, was in PERFECT position & angle to come up and make the hit. Instead, GilDong pussyfooted like a little old lady traipsing down the soup aisle at a grocery store, timidly watching and waiting on Dillon. Finally, Smith and Henry came crashing in and put the hit on Dillon, while Gildon just stood there. What should have been a 4-yard gain, bloated into a 9-yarder. Henry actually got hurt on this hustling play, as his head got hit by Dillon's knee. This is similar to what happened last year, when GilDong's asinine pussyfooting caused Chad Scott to take a needless hit that should have never occurred, and Chad got injured. This was as shameful a play as a LB can make in the National Football League.

There were other poor plays, to be sure. On the Porter sack-and-strip, Gildon was meekly titty-fighting with the offensive lineman, and had no hope whatsoever in getting to Smith before the November political elections. Gildon simply happened to be standing around, getting rebuffed by the lineman, at the right place and the right time, and the fumbled ball was fallen upon by The Dong. Midway thru the 3rd quarter, Keaton ran around end, while Gildon got caved way in. On the very next play, Keaton cut from a run up the gut to RT, and Gildon was easily mauled & plowed way off the line of scrimmage, allowing Keaton to saunter thru a nice hole for a 6-yard gain. Finally, at 10:02 of the 4th, Dillon ran up RT on 1st down, and Gildon gave a 1-armed flail as he was getting mercilessly bullied. But don't laugh at Gildon's weak 1-armed flail; it actually earned him an assist on this 8-yard gainer.

Things got so bad for Gildong, that the Cinci offense stopped wasting a man to block him on several running plays. They simply blocked someone else, and were more than content to have Gildong do his patented Standing Pitter Patter.

Indeed, this was undoubtedly one of the sorriest efforts Gildon's given in recent memory. He was everything you don't want in an NFL LB -- he was soft, timid, and meek. Take away a Dong Sack on a play in which the QB had an absurd amount of time in the pocket, and take away the stop of a bumbling kicker trying to scoop up an errant pitchout from the punter on a fake FG, and you've got a game in which Gildon barely did jack the entire day.

Now, if you wanted to see some REAL linebacking, you should have seen Gildong's counterpart, Joey Porter. Joey had a DongSack, but also had 2 earned sacks in the best pass rushing efforts this team has seen since Greg Lloyd's heyday. Porter's sack-and-strip came after he beat the LT mano-o-mano, and then Porter's strip gave us the ball that led to the FG before halftime. Porter's safety was also a case where he abused the LT, and he generated 2 points. THIS, my friends, is IMPACT PLAYMAKING that this defense is DESIGNED to get from its OLBs.

There actually was even more impact playmaking, but is the only place you'll read about it ANYWHERE. At 10:31 of the 3rd quarter, Bennett ran the ball up LT. Porter initially looped wide, but, as his never-stop nature, Porter reversed himself and chased down Bennett from behind. As you may recall, Porter leapt at and stopped Bennett, then immediately pounded his hand into the turf in frustration. It wasn't until I scoured the tape, that I saw what made Porter so angry --- Porter had actually STRIPPED the ball from the falling Bennett, but as Bennett was within about 10 inches from the turf, the ball actually bounced back into Bennett's gut and Bennett then secured it. This happened in such bang-bang fashion, that without seeing it again (there was no TV replay) it's virtually impossible to detect the strip the first time one sees this play. This epitomizes the playmaking of Porter, who, unlike his counterpart at LOLB, is continually trying to make plays with hustle, athleticism, and tiger-like fierceness.

Peeling back the onion, we see that this was a game that Joey Porter should remember and relish for a long time. As for Jason GilDong, peeling the onion emits the stench of a game that he should forget and puke over, in sheer embarrassment, for a long time.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 6 games:

Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks™: 2
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

The Still Mill 

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