Chelonaphobia and The Yertle Turtle

Chelonaphobia and The Yertle Turtle�������������� By Hesske

 

Sunday�s win came as a pleasant surprise�okay, verging on shock�to this cynical fan of 50 years. After witnessing most (couldn�t bear to watch the replay of the Carolina game even though we �won�) of The Steelers dismal pre-season, I had concerns ranging from minor to beyond major about every facet of our team. I won�t say the thorough beating we administered to the somewhat hapless Titans alleviated all of them, but it went a long way.� I have moved from overly pessimistic to guardedly optimistic.

 

Before I get to my main point�and the definition of my title word�I am of the philosophy that any win during the season is a victory to be valued.� We were supposed to beat the Titans and we did. The Packers, the Rams and the Broncos, to name a few, should all be so fortunate after their first games.

 

Despite my preceding disclaimer, I�m sure that many of you will dismissively scoff when I express a current pressing concern I have with our team and its �identity.� But express it I must.

 

Chelonaphobia means irrational fear of turtles, with, in this case, irrational hopefully being the key word. But let me indulge myself anyways. Yesterday�s game ended with 20 straight runs (or was it more?), from Pittsburgh. In my not entirely irrational opinion this was a bum move.� Our last pass--a third and one beauty to Cedric Wilson for 12 yards--came with over 12 minutes to play in the third quarter. In my not entirely irrational opinion the complete shitcanning of the forward pass was a� bum move.�

 

First, let me acknowledge the obvious:  The turtle �worked.�� Taking a knee on every offensive play after the score reached 34-7 would have been an equally effective�for purposes of this one game��strategy.� Furthermore, Coach Bill �Yertle� Cowher was able to crow once again in his post-game about the overall effectiveness of The Turtle. True enough. As far as it goes. What is he now:  5,000-1-1 in games that the Steelers have led at half-time? �But I ask, so what?�

 

I don�t have a Phantom-type stat breakdown prepared to support my idea and even if it did, I�m sure it would contradict my main assertion and clearly demonstrate the overall effectiveness of the dreaded Turtle. But I do have a strong impression, a nagging feeling, a gut instinct, that this tried and true or should I say TIRED and true maneuver has served us less than well on several occasions, making games against vastly inferior opponents tighter than they should have been or, in a couple of instances, costing us a win.

 

Two examples: Last year�s game against the offensively hapless Redskins got closer than it should because of the dreaded Turtle and against Atlanta a couple of years ago the Turtle enabled us to snatch a tie from the jaws of victory.� Tommy Maddox set a single game Steelers passing record in the Atlanta game and the much maligned and now departed Plaxico Burress had a monster outing, but, 17 ahead in the 4th Q, the turtling began and the closer the Falcons got, the farther the head receded into the shell.�

 

Yesterday in Miami, the Broncos closed the gap to 20-10 with plenty of time left in the 4th quarter. Denver kicked off out-of-bounds and on the next play Gus Frerotte hit Marty Booker with a 60-yard TD pass.� Game over.� Would Cowher make a similar call in a game where we had more than one score lead against a more worthy opponent than the Titans?� Doubtful. And now he has another reason�yesterday�s Turtle to Victory�to �explain� why.� If The Turtle works in a 34-7 game against a young, struggling team why shouldn�t it work in a 20-10 game against a division rival, especially when One Yard in a Cloud of Dust Bettis returns to the lineup? Of course, Verron �Blind Man� Haynes reeled and staggered quite effectively in The Bus�s role yesterday.

 

Yesterday, Trivia made the observation that the starters were in too long against the Titans and, believe it or not, I agree. But if the starters are going to be out there why not let them play instead of Turtle?� A couple of starters got dinged up�hopefully nothing serious�during the turtling marathon. I don�t presume cause and effect, but we�ve all heard the tired old sports clich�often applied to football�about how players get hurt when they let up. Cliches become clich�s not because they are wrong but because they are usually true, a once original idea gets worn out by repetition, not because it�s inaccurate.

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Even when the second team came into the game, why not let them try a few things?� God forbid, but there is a chance we may need Tommy Maddox to complete a few passes for us during a crucial juncture later in the season. Here was a game situation where the reward for such a plan is obvious and the risk is minimal, if not non-existent.

 

Of course there is the old bromide about not running it up on an opponent because it can be used against you as a motivator.� Now THAT clich� may be true about high school and college, but I believe it�s pure horseshit when applied to professional athletics.

 

Yesterday the Chiefs, leading 27-0, had a 4th Q goal line stand against the pitiful Jets and then the first string O came out firing the ball downfield play after play. Dick Vermeil believes in twisting the knife after you stick it in and so do I. With the score Bengals 27 Browns 13 in the 4th Q the same situation occurred and Cincy went from its own 10-yard line to deep in Cleveland territory in about 30 seconds, Palmer to Johnson over and over.

 

The NFL is not high school or college, it�s a business and one of the cornerstones of American business�whether anyone wants to admit it or not�is that if you are standing on a rival�s throat and the situation dictates it, then you start grinding the foot.� I know more than a few of you watched the Colts do this to the Ravens on Sunday night.

 

I�m not saying that we should have endeavored to physically injure any of the Titans yesterday, but why not run up the score�isn�t points differential one of the criteria for a playoff tiebreaker?�to, say, 48-7?� Not only would that give the Titans many troubling things�not revenge�to think about regarding next time, but it would also give our next opponent something to ponder as well.� And to those who gnaw their nails, worrying that a key interception could have gotten the Titans back into the game, I can only say puh-leez.� Midway through the 3rd quarter, the only jockeying for position by the Titans� defense was for a prime spot on the team bus back to the airport.� The Titans quit and we eased up on them.� Former turtler Tony Dungy did not do the same in Baltimore on Sunday nite.� ��

 

In my opinion, the worn-out concept of �poor sportsmanship�, at the professional level, comes only when you stop performing within the rules at maximum intensity against your opponent (and, not incidentally, for the fans).� Or when someone orders the players to gear it down.� In fact, it's my opinion that the Titans began turtling not long after we did yesterday. So what was the difference between the fourth quarter of the game and professional wrestling? In both cases, two "opponents" are engaged in an athletic exhibition where the outcome has been pre-ordained.� Sportsmanship?

 

For an example of how turtling can cost you big time, one need look no further than Saturdays� Ohio State � Texas game. If you watched the game, you know OSU is loaded with deadly weapons on offense, yet when the defense produced turnover after turnover deep in Texas territory, Buckeye head coach Jim Tressel had his squad boot field goal after field goal. In their final meaningful possession, Ohio State actually drove it into Longhorn territory one last time and then turtled around until a 50+ yard FG attempt�that would have iced the game�was the order of the day. How many chances can you give a guy like Vince Young before he makes you pay? He brought his team from behind in game after game last year and he did it Saturday, thanks to the opportunity provided by turtling?

 

On Sunday we lit up the Titans for two quarters plus and then turtled to another victory. Let�s hope Yertle and company haven�t established a lack of offensive rhythm for the Texans game or for a game further down the line. Right now I�m happy with the victory, but cautious about the future. The great (and often maddening) thing about football is that there�s always another game and it always begins 0-0. So we�ll see if I�m suffering from Chelonaphobia or if the Turtle finally catches up with Yertle.